“When the role model of what a man is does not allow a man to cry or express fear; when the role model for what a woman is does not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive – that is emotional dishonesty. When the standards of a society deny the full range of the emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative – that is not only emotionally dishonest, it creates emotional disease.
If a culture is based on emotional dishonesty, with role models that are dishonest emotionally, then that culture is also emotionally dysfunctional, because the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional in getting their emotional needs met.
What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest. Children learn who they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their parents. “Do as I say – not as I do,” does not work with children. Emotionally dishonest parents cannot be emotionally healthy role models, and cannot provide healthy parenting.
Our model for what a family should be sets up abusive, emotionally dishonest dynamics.
Consider a scenario where mother is crying in her bedroom and her three year old toddles into the room. To the child it looks as if mom is dying. The child is terrified and says, “I love you mommy!” Mom looks at her child. Her eyes fill with love, and her face breaks into a smile. She says, “Oh honey, I love you so much. You are my wonderful little boy/girl. Come here and give mommy a hug. You make mommy feel so good.”
A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the message that he/she has the power to save mommy’s life. That the child has power over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy’s feelings. This is emotional abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child feels responsible for the parent’s emotional needs.
A healthy parent would explain to the child that it is all right for mommy to cry, that it is healthy and good for people to cry when they feel sad or hurt. An emotionally healthy parent would “role model” for the child that it is okay to have the full range of emotions, all the feelings – sadness and hurt, anger and fear, Joy and happiness, etc.”
Burney, Robert (1996-01-03). Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls “A Cosmic Perspective of Codependence and the Human Condition” (Kindle Locations 315-325). Joy to You & Me Enterprises. Kindle Edition.