“When you lose a child [particularly through death], the void will always be there.”
I have heard that uttered by grieving mothers.
And it is no different when a daughter is/was not loved by her mother.
The void left by a mother not loving her daughter will always be there for the daughter.
In both situations, there will always be that feeling of sadness. Emptiness. The pain of the loss.
It doesn’t mean that the daughter or mother is living in the past.
It doesn’t mean that the daughter is still bitter or angry.
It only means that “the void will always be there.”
Over time, the intensity of the pain and sadness may or will lessen.
But it will always be there…..the void.
The void left by the death of a child or not having a loving relationship with a mother.
I suspect only mothers who have lost a child [again, specifically through death], or daughters who were not loved by their mothers can relate.
Others who have not experienced it — losing a child [through death] or not being loved by their mother — will never be able to fully understand what it feels like to feel “the void,” to feel sad when one is triggered or reminded — of not having been loved by their mother or the death of their child.
I do not think of my mother or my deeply hurting experience of being unloved by her 24/7.
I have been writing about my experiences and reflections much more often than I have ever since I created this blog in 2011, only as part of my releasing and grieving process — especially following my mother’s demise last February  — although I have long ago begun my grieving process — even while she was still alive and after I went no-contact in 2010.
I began my grieving process over the loss of a relationship that just would never be. The loss of a loving relationship between a mother and daughter. The loss of being accepted and loved by my mother.
I have learned to live with the loss as well as the grief — long before my mother’s demise.
Admittedly, I was compelled to write extensively and speak my truth because I was triggered by the messages that I had received — which were all about my mother and her pitiful situation, and which showed no concern whatsoever towards me.
Enough of keeping mum all these years.
Enough of feeling anxious about offending others, especially members and friends of the family who experienced my mother differently, hence, hold a different view of her.
Enough of feeling guilty that I am painting a picture of my mother that is the stark opposite of the infallible and picture-perfect [feigned] image of a mother that society upholds.
The time has come for me to finally speak up and speak my truth — after having been silenced for so long.
Having said that, though, there are intense emotions that seem to be too difficult to be translated to the page.
And only those who went through the same kind of loss know exactly what having that void and those difficult-to-translate-to-the-page emotions feel.
They say that nothing prepares a mother for the loss of her child — even if the child had a lingering illness.
Well, nothing also prepares a child for being birthed and raised by an unloving mother — and waking up to and accepting the reality that her mother will never be loving towards her.
Even so, the loss of a child through death cannot be compared to or viewed to be the same as not being accepted and loved by a mother.
While losing a child through death is ‘unusual,’ death is a natural occurrence.
There isn’t anything ‘unusual’ about death per se.
Not experiencing a mother’s love or having a mother who isn’t loving, on the other hand, is out of the ordinary. It goes against the law of nature or what we, humans see in other species.
Not experiencing a mother’s love is so atypical, in fact, that many frown upon and invalidate those of us who speak about our tragic and wounding experiences with our unloving mothers.
When a mother is grieving over the loss of her child, the world is quick to offer her a warm embrace, kind words, and compassionate presence — anything that will soothe the pain.
When a daughter is mourning the loss of a mother’s love and the relationship with a mother that can never be, the world is quick to invalidate and judge the daughter and label her as being an ingrate or ill-mannered — anything that will silence the daughter or make her doubt herself or feel wrong.
How dare the daughter talk about her mother like that!
As I wrote in another post, it is bad enough that we have been wounded due to the unloving treatments that we received from our mothers.
The wound is even worsened by the dismissive responses of the ‘ignorant’ members of society — a society that has been brainwashed and blinded by the patriarchy that they fail — refuse — to see that there is the reality that not all mothers are loving or automatically know how to become a mother…not all mothers know how to instinctually love or be loving towards her child after giving birth.