[Continued from “The Request For Binding Prayers For My Mother Before Her Passing“]
A few days before my mother’s passing, I received a message from Jacqueline [not her real name], a close family friend, with the words,
“Your mother is just waiting for you….”
I certainly did not appreciate the tone of her message. No compassion at all. Guilt-tripping. Condescending. Know-it-all.
This, especially —
“I pray you will find it in your heart to forgive her.”
Jacqueline and her family had been close friends with the family even before I was a teenager. She sure has been privy to the goings-on, conflicts, drama, and all of the family.
But she does not know the entirety of the family situation — including the extent of my mother’s association with black magic, which I wrote about earlier here.
Jacqueline does not know how dysfunctional the dynamics were between my mother and me, including what finally led me to break away from her. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
No one knows. No one does. Not even my siblings.
I had kept mum all the years that I stayed away from the family. I did not respond to any of the messages that I received.
This time, I felt compelled to speak my truth — finally. [See related post here.]
I wrote an 11-page letter [single-spaced!] to Jacqueline where I said, in part,
“So, please, spare me with being burdened by the idea that my mother is [was] just waiting for me. That’s not for you to say. That’s not for anyone to say. With or without my “blessing,” permission, presence, nor supposed forgiveness, or what have you, Mom can choose to move on and pass on. That’s totally up to her. I do not appreciate being made responsible for her — or anyone else’s — pain and suffering or state of health. No one can make us feel in whatever way without our permission. Whatever Mom’s reason may be [have been] for holding on and not wanting to let go is between her and the Creator. Leave me out of the equation, please. That’s not my responsibility. Harsh, but that’s my truth, and I am standing by it.”
Jacqueline compared my situation with my mother to that of her and her mother.
She had also been estranged from her mother. Jacqueline regrets not having reconciled with her mother before her passing.
And she was hoping — if not imposing — that I would do what she was unable to do.
And as usual, just like the messages that I have received over the years since my estrangement, it was all about them/her [my mother].
No concern or interest for me and how I have been doing. Echa pwera nga, as usual! [Dismissed as usual!]
As part of my 11-page letter response, I wrote,
“No one has any idea as to what transpired not only between me and my biological mother, but also the rest of the family. No one but me — not even the people involved. I know, for sure, that they hold a different memory of the events and interpretation of our experiences. I can also safely say that the impact, influence, and effect of our experiences on them are unlike mine.
No one even has any idea as to the depth of the wound and extent of the trauma that resulted from the prolonged dysfunctionality and abuse in our family and home environment, not only in our childhood but way into our adult lives.
No one truly knows how that had severely wounded me and negatively impacted my subsequent beliefs, choices, relationships, and interactions, until I stopped being in denial, eventually arriving at my decision to distance and disconnect myself from my birth family. It is a core wound from which I continue to heal and recover — to this day. No one can truly know any of that. No one except me.
Everyone is entitled to their interpretation and recollection of our experiences – including opinions. And I respect that. But, I do not appreciate being told how to run my life. I don’t think anyone does. I don’t know of anyone who does.
I will not allow anyone to decide for me whether or not the choices that I am making are ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ I will not allow others’ lives to be the model of how I am expected to live mine. I will not let others’ choices be the basis against which the supposed rightfulness of my decisions will be measured.
I do not appreciate being made to feel wrong for my choices and decisions — if only because such are not to others’ satisfaction, do not conform to what they want, or that such decisions make them feel uncomfortable.
We are all on our own chosen, unique paths. Each is as unique as every individual. To each his own. But I do understand the innate desire of every human being to want to make right what they perceive as “wrong” — especially when it differs from their path. But that’s just a perception. Others’ perception. Who is to say, anyway, what is right and what is wrong, eh? Who holds the moral or spiritual compass that measures a person’s godliness, or whether or not the person has earned for themselves a ticket to the Heavens?
I’m not diminishing the purity of your intention in what you wrote. I know you mean well. I know you only want what you think is right or what’s best. I get that. I understand that. But I’m not you. Your life isn’t the same as mine. What you went through and what I went through, despite the similarities, are still two distinct life experiences of two unique and separate individuals.
I am not privy and do not wish to know the details surrounding your estrangement experience. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. But my lessons and growth opportunities are mine alone, and they are different from yours.
How well I have lived my life, how much I have healed, grown, evolved, and transformed cannot and must not be measured against the lesson plan that has been created for you. Your life lesson plan is yours to follow, not mine. Your life plan does not apply to me and is not designed for me. Your Soul and life blueprint is yours and yours only; I have nothing to do with that.
The choices that you made or were not able to make cannot be applied to me. If you regret not having reconciled with your mother and would have wanted to, given the chance, then I’m sorry for that loss and regret. I’m sorry for the void that it may have left you.
And if you’re still carrying that void and haven’t made peace with that yet, I hope and pray that the Universe supports you in finding your closure — your own closure with that lost opportunity — for you to finally feel complete with your story, and not be driven to fulfill that completion by wishing others — like me — to live out your presumably unfinished business, nullifying your regrets in the process.
No one truly knows what’s going on in an individual or in the individual’s family. It wouldn’t hurt to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. And no matter what we see, it may not be the totality of what’s going on. We may not be seeing accurately and completely what we are looking at. That there may be another way of looking at things or an individual — including putting ourselves in the shoes of the other and see things from their set of lenses.”
I had asked my cousin earlier to review my letter before sending it to Jacqueline.
My cousin gave her blessing — not that I needed her approval, but it helps and is reassuring to be validated and supported.
My cousin said that my letter was filled with compassion, and I expressed myself so clearly. I sent the letter on the 2nd of March .
The response that I got from Jacqueline?
Just a thumbs-up emoji!
I shook my phone, waiting, hoping for some other response to fall through and show up on my phone screen. I restarted it, in case some other words might have gotten lost in transmission.
I was shifting between being amused and annoyed!
“Me and my big mouth,” my cousin told me was what presumably, Jacqueline might have said to herself after reading my letter.
And my cousin is so right.
Oh yeah, Jacqueline, you and your big mouth!!!
And the angered part of me wished I had said,
“Mind your own business, and stay out of my lane!”
Not long after the COVID pandemic began to overtake the world, a couple of weeks after I received Jacqueline’s thumbs-up emoji response, I received another message from her.
It has nothing to do with me or the letter that I sent her. It was a generic forwarded prayer for COVID victims, for healing, etc.
Really? So, you think all is now well between the two of us? You think we can now sweep under the rug the communication that just transpired — your mistaken presumptions and impersonal response to my heartfelt letter — and pretend as if nothing happened? That COVID is now being used as a convenient distraction?
I think Jacqueline may have misinterpreted my having written her a letter as my way of reconnecting. The start of my reconnecting with the family. She may have been testing the waters.
Without any words of acknowledgment for what I had shared and written, no concern or compassion, not even an apology…..Just a thumbs-up emoji!
Oh, the nerve of this woman!
[In truth, I wasn’t surprised. Jacqueline was simply being her know-it-all self.]
Sure, she may have meant well.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean it that way. That wasn’t my intention.”
Don’t they all say that?
Those words have been misused and abused. They have become a convenient excuse for inconsiderate and insensitive words, actions, and behaviors.
I will not overlook the energy of [the usual] diminishing, dismissing, and marginalizing me. No matter how subtle or unintentional it may be.
No. No. No. No. No.
Enough of that pattern playing out once more.
End of conversation. Of any conversation or interaction with you, Jacqueline [and those with similar unloving, insensitive, and unsupportive energies].
Ahhhh….So thankful for the ‘block’ feature!
Peace to all!