[Continued from Holding The Key. Breaking The Curse. Breaking The Cycle.]
I have practiced magic and witchcraft. It was part of my truth-seeking and soul searching.
But it is the white kind.
I practiced and studied enough — therefore, know enough — to discern what black or white magic is.
I know, for sure, that my mother and the practitioners that she associated and worked with were practicing black magic — especially given my mother’s self-serving intentions. [See post here.]
After all, it’s all about intention.
Mine was for healing. It has always been about healing. Any venture must bring about healing.
As a child, growing up, I was frightened by my mother’s association with black magic!
These days, I am more deeply saddened by how my mother’s ignorance and imbalances in her energies led her astray.
Her unresolved issues and woundedness made her also an easy target for the practitioners who took advantage of her vulnerability, how she allowed them — unwittingly or not.
In the early 2000s, I received my Reiki attunements and underwent training with a Reiki master. As part of my practice, she and I performed long-distance healing sessions for my mother.
Once, sometime in 2003, we even brought my mother to a mystical place down south in the province of Quezon — Ciudad Verdadero. I used to frequent that place when I needed to get away from the craziness of the metropolis.
I went there to recharge. To commune with the spirits.
Close by is the Philippines’ famed mystical mountain, Mt. Banahaw, well-known for healing rituals and sacred practices amongst the spiritual healers’ community.
After the healing session, the Reiki master gave up saying, “Ang tigas ng Mommy mo, Nadine. Ang hirap siyang pasukin!” [Your mother is heavily blocked and shut out, Nadine. It’s so difficult to penetrate her [system]!]
From as far back as I can remember, I had made every attempt to create a loving, nurturing, and supportive mother-daughter relationship with her.
I had come to realize and accept later that it is something that wouldn’t come about — unless I’d be willing to sacrifice myself, my peace and joy — just so I could say that I am maintaining a relationship with my mother.
Which, of course, is counterintuitive to my healing endeavors.
I was also not remiss in my attempts to help bring about my mother’s healing. Our family’s healing. The healing of our family tree — both maternal and paternal sides.
This, so that the pattern of abuse and dysfunctionality would not be passed on to the next generations.
I did all those all through the years — even from a distance, even after I went no contact. [See post here.]
I continued praying for my mother’s healing. For the breaking of whatever ties and agreements she entered into with the Dark Forces.
My prayers were no longer aimed at fulfilling the dream of a healthy, loving, supportive, and nurturing mother-daughter relationship — as I had eventually let go of that dream and mourned over it.
My prayers were for my mother’s benefit and whoever else she was interacting with — for her to finally “bitawan kung ano man ang hawak niya,” [let go of whatever evil/negative/dark article/energy that was in her possession/possessing her].
To end the cycle of wickedness.
To spare those with whom she was interacting from her displaced wrath and misery.
I knew that the outcomes of my prayers were beyond my control. That it was all up to my mother and the Highest Heavens and Cosmic Forces.
Who was I to determine what’s best for my mother, eh?
Who was I to ask God to make my mother let go of what’s in her possession? Let go of the booklet [of spells], according to the medicine woman, which I wrote about here.
What if she wanted to hold on to it and not sever her bondage with black magic? What if she was so deep into the practice and energies, not realizing — or not caring about — its damaging effect on her and the family?
When my cousin and I briefly reconnected around the time of my mother’s passing last February , I learned of my mother’s attempts to look for me after I went no contact in 2010.
My mother went to our condominium building — without prior notice to me, of course. Thankfully, I was residing in a different place during those years.
My mother reasoned with the security personnel. Being my mother, she was in the position — and had the right — to know where I was!
She overlooked the strictness in the security protocol — which is assuring her daughter’s safety and security.
Instead, she was quite disappointed and focused on the fact that she did not get what she wanted — my contact information and whereabouts! She thought of herself only and her self-serving wishes. Narcissistic, true to form!
I had mixed emotions hearing about this incident.
I was angered! It was an intrusion of my personal space. I felt invaded. Stalked. Unsafe. Disrespected. Even embarrassed for her display of lack of decency.
I also felt sorry for her. Pity and compassion. The extent that she would go to locate me.
I had also learned from my cousin that my mother wanted my cousin to seek the services of a ‘spiritual healer.’
To have the healer cast a spell on me or perform rituals for me to reconnect with her — even if it is quite evident that that was against my wish. Otherwise, I would have reached out — on my own volition. Duh.
That’s black magic plain and simple.
I reiterated that to my cousin, who, thankfully, did not give in to my mother’s wishes.
That just validates the opposing energies that I had felt between my mother and me after I went no contact, as I shared in an earlier post.
That also substantiates what the medicine woman revealed about my mother casting a harmful spell on me.
Free will is everyone’s birthright.
When someone casts a spell, especially when the ‘caster’s’ motive is for the ‘castee’ to act differently instead of honoring and respecting what the ‘castee’ is choosing, that’s messing with the ‘castee’s’ free will.
The ‘caster’ is enforcing their will upon another. The ‘caster’ is taking away the ‘castee’s’ right to choose freely for themselves. That’s outright manipulation. And that’s harmful.
No parent has the right to control their child’s life and choices — especially when the child is already a full-functioning and psychologically-sound adult.
What my mother wanted from me and how she would fulfill her wish is a practice of black magic — the kind that she had practiced and associated herself with for decades, as I shared earlier here.
My mother thought only of herself; what she wanted was for her satisfaction only.
She did not take into consideration the feelings and choices of the other — me. She refused to honor and respect the other’s — my — choices.
Black magic, plain and simple. And narcissistic.
I fully understand my mother’s predicament, wishes, and desires. She was acting out of desperation to reconnect with me.
Did she have the purest of intentions — genuine concern for me?
Or was she being her narcissistic self, as I shared in a previous post — what other people will think about her and our estrangement?
Our thoughts are prayers. Our wishes, intentions, and desires become our prayers.
Whether through the simple act of praying or following through our prayers with actions — such as casting a spell — we must not mess up and interfere with an individual’s free will and freedom to choose.
I can choose to be trapped in and consumed by my anger towards my mother’s ill-intentioned actions and behaviors — in recent years and since my childhood.
Which isn’t serving me well.
That only perpetuates the cycle of toxicity. It only puts to waste all the clearing and healing that I’ve done over the years.
I’m choosing and redirecting myself to come instead from a place of kind understanding and compassion.
That is what’s most healing for me. That is what’s helping break the cycle.
To be continued – The Request for Binding Prayers for my Mother Before Her Passing