It was only a couple of months since the breast cancer diagnosis and partial mastectomy in June 2018 when I found myself attending a disgruntled homeowners’ meeting.
What am I doing here? Why am I here? Is this something that I’d like to use my energies on or shouldn’t I focus on recovering and healing?
Those thoughts ran through my head as I listened to the incessant grievances from my neighbors, the majority of who I was meeting for the first time. [I had purchased my unit two decades ago, but I had been away and wasn’t staying in my unit more than I have lived here. So, I didn’t really know anyone from the building except for one Admin staff and a couple of residents out of 300+ units.]
I have this rescuer tendency which I’ve been so vigilant not falling into each time a crisis opportunity presents itself — which is often. Such opportunities easily gravitate towards me. I magnetize them. Am a sucker for it! It’s the Universe’s way of teaching me to set boundaries. To say no to the temptation to come to the rescue.
If this weren’t my home, oh it certainly wouldn’t be my business to meddle.
But it is. It is the future of my residence that’s at stake. If I’m merely renting, it sure isn’t prudent for me to get involved.
And that is the primary justification for my involvement. This is my home.
It didn’t take long for the other pieces of the puzzle to be revealed which, as I had intuited at the start, would make sense in the end.
The Pieces of the Puzzle.
My involvement kept me busy. It helped keep my mind off the breast cancer diagnosis. It prevented me from falling into the trap of feeling sorry for myself, self-blame, and endless [useless] analysis.
[By the way, for those who may be new to this site, I made a decision not to follow any of the treatments and procedures that the breast surgeon recommended. I have reached the point in my life when I’m ready to go. Seriously. I wrote about that here. If the alternative therapies that I chose would result in the cancer being treated, I’d be grateful. But my intention was simply to boost my immune system as it had indeed been compromised in recent years.]
My time was [still is] preoccupied with therapies that are helping bring my system back into a state of balance. In between therapies, I had spent my time in conversations and meetings, preparing communications and other tasks in connection with my involvement in our building state-of-affairs. I hardly had any time left to blog. Hence, my blogging lull in 2019.
My passion for writing was being fed through my involvement as I was in charge of the communications aspect including events. So, at some level, I had found joy and fulfillment in my participation.
Something, though, still didn’t quite click.
I realized what I was doing was really more of business writing — instead of creative writing, my truest passion.
So, my creative energies were still stifled. Limited. It wasn’t quite the kind of ‘flow’ that I wanted to go with. I wanted to go back to the ‘other flow’ that had fed my Soul since 2011 — blogging and sharing on this site.
Despite the distresses and frustrations, the harmful impact on my health which, thankfully, I was able to manage, there were other gifts that my involvement brought me.
It didn’t take long for me to realize how much of my family of origin dynamics were at play in my residential complex involvement.
Oh yeah. There’s my family once more.
There’s Mom. There’s Dad. My only brother. All of my three sisters.
There’s my family guised in the personalities of my neighbors, the building management and the Admin team.
For more than a decade now, I had made a decision to keep away from my family of origin. And there I was, interacting with them again. They just happen to be clothed in different apparel.
But it’s the exact same energies. Same unhealthy and unloving energy dynamics. The same dynamics from which I walked away.
In particular — and this is a most significant piece of this chapter of my journey — there’s the Executive Director who represents and embodies the energies of my mother.
She looks like my mother. Their birthdays are only one day apart. They even attended the same high school!
What a synchronicity, eh? What a sense of humor the Universe has!
This time, though, I responded differently to the unkind and unfair energies.
I didn’t put up with it. Didn’t just keep mum about it.
I fought back. And I fought back hard. I asserted myself.
The very lessons and gifts of the wounds that I sustained from my abusive home and family environment.
I risked earning the ire of the Executive Director who I was assisting and to whom I was getting quite close during my early days of volunteering. I knew I was running the risk of her getting back at me by making things difficult for me especially when it comes to my requests — be it as a mere unit owner or a committee member. She’s been known to be quite vindictive [just like my mother!] — which I had proven to be quite accurate.
But I bit the bullet just the same.
It didn’t take long for me to muster the courage to bring to the attention of the Board of Directors an issue that would reflect badly on the Executive Director and for which only she is accountable and responsible. I wrote about that here.
Sure, I found myself in the similar back and forth “this-isn’t-right-why-is-Mom-treating-me-this-way-oh-but-she’s-my-mother” situation that I was stuck in with my mother for decades. Decades, not just years.
This time, it took me only a few days to take the plunge. DAYS. That’s a far cry and significant growth from decades, eh? Yeah! Kudos to me!!!
So, I may have been kept away from & didn’t have much time left for the mental & emotional processing following the breast cancer diagnosis, but I sure was going through the much needed next stage of healing of my mother wound — the emotional root cause of the left breast cancer which I wrote about here.
Now that I’m no longer involved in our toxic residential state-of-affairs [I submitted my letter of resignation less than a week ago], I’m spending my time integrating my experiences.
I also now have the time to immerse myself in what has given me the most joy — blogging. I now have all the time to write and share about my thoughts and experiences — be it with this recent episode or others — and how they have blessed me with the opportunities to heal, grow, and transform.
It gets better.
Not only was I able to quickly and easily disentangle from the harmful energies of my interactions with the people in my building and close off that chapter, the results of the last couple of blood exams and breast ultrasound that I had [the first was one year after the partial mastectomy-biopsy, the second was two months ago] show normalcy!!!
How cool is that, eh?
Amazing journey indeed! And so much to be grateful for and another reminder that Life is unfolding as how it is supposed to.
We simply need to continue Trusting. Believing. Keeping the Faith.