How To Support A Friend Going Through A Difficult Time by Megan Devine

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Being heard is what helps ease the pain.

Not being talked out of it by being told to move on or look at the brighter side.

When we’re in pain, there is NO BRIGHTER SIDE. There is only the side where we’re at. The side where we feel the pain. THE SIDE WHERE WE ARE IN PAIN.

Being heard is what helps ease the pain.

Not being given advice — especially when unsolicited.

But isn’t that humanity’s instinctual response? To GET OTHERS OUT of their pain, believing it is their job to do so. Such attempts, though, only ADD to the pain.

What will help us feel better is when we are allowed to BE IN OUR PAIN, to STAY sad or angry. When OTHERS JOIN US in our experience of pain.

That way, we feel heard. Honored. Acknowledged. Witnessed.

The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is.”

– Parker Palmer

Click here to watch the 3-minute video of Megan Devine.


Copyright © 2011-2018 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth


About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Brightest & Magical Blessings!!! Om Shanti. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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3 Responses to How To Support A Friend Going Through A Difficult Time by Megan Devine

  1. That’s a hard one Nadine and I don’t feel there’s a one size fits all for how people deal with pain. Some like to be comforted, cheered up, given advice on how they handled something similar – I know I do. It helps to take my mind off of the pain some or know someone relates. And some just want someone to be with them and listen – and I want that sometimes too.

    It’s been hard year and half with losing my mom to non-small cell lung cancer and I’ve noticed I’ve a lot of friends/family have disappeared because they don’t know what to do or say. Or they might be afraid they’ll offend me in some way. Some are just now coming back around…I guess now they think I’m okay and not grieving as much as I was before.
    I don’t want to put pressure on them or make them feel like they don’t want to be around me or they have to tip-toe around my emotions. I just want them to know I’m in pain, I’m grieving, I’m handling it as best as I can. My heart is broken but I’m still alive and I still want to be love and to loved. ❤

    I wanted to share something with you that I transcribed from the Healing Cancer Summit an interview with Kris Carr and Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. – The Power of Our Minds to Mend Our Bodies
    Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. – The Power of Our Minds to Mend Our Bodies

    There are many moments in life where the floor drops out from under you and your identity just smashes in the moment. It can be when you’re diagnosed with cancer or lose someone from cancer, an illness, divorce, financial problems, so many things). When a loved one is ill you have the same thing – your world just temporarily falls apart. That’s the first stage in the Hero’s Journey or Rite of Passage.

    The next stage is the time between no longer and not yet. Life is not as you knew it. You have not yet been reborn to who you will be.

    And the whole stage of cancer treatment, it’s called liminal space. Limen is a Latin word for threshold. You’re at the threshold of something new but you don’t know what it is and it’s a journey in the unknown. And the fact is, it’s scary to journey in the unknown.

    And the first thing that happens when you lose something that you value is that you grieve. And you have to grieve.

    Unexpressed grief leads to all kinds of mind/body problems. So, the ability to feel all of your feelings – the negative and the positive is very important.

    And that’s coupled with the ability to kind of expand your consciousness enough that even though you’re grieving – you can say, the sun is still shining and it’s beautiful out. Or thank God my friends love me and I’m not alone here.

    So that your whole being doesn’t have to constrict to a single point but can gradually start to open a little bit more and a little bit more. So that you can feel your feelings without feeling trapped by them.

    And you have to give yourself a little time for that to happen. And I always tell that to people – you will be able to do that. But don’t worry – you’re meant to grieve. That’s part of it. You’re releasing energy in the grieving.

    And here’s where the mindfulness and positive psychology come into it. What are the tools and techniques so that we can be comfortable with uncertainty. So that we can be in the liminal stage. The stage between no longer and not there yet.

    Before we come to the third stage of a Rite of Passage and that’s called a Return. And if all has gone well in the Rite of Passage, we’re not the same person we were when whatever difficult event that triggered it happened. We’re a new person and we return with new skills and more heart; to offer to the people around us.

    Just like you have – you took your cancer and turned it around into an act of stunning service to others.

    But I hope that I have succeeded in telling people, that’s it’s not all sweetness and light. It’s about learning to navigate the unknown, in liminal time. And for that I think we need mentors. That’s where our mentors and guides are most important. And you are one of those mentors and guides.
    And that’s where we learn the skills we need to deal with all of our emotions, positive and negative.

    Kris Carr:
    This is a practice and there is not a there/there – right? It comes in waves this processing of emotions. And it comes in waves sometimes over years. And perhaps those waves – we’re called to process them as they come and go. And over the course of our lives perhaps there not as tremulous bringing us out to sea. Maybe we’re just body surfacing them into shore. But we probably will be called to process it again and again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I also don’t believe there’s a one size fits all for ANYTHING.

      Usually, when someone comes to me with situation, I ask them, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want my opinion?” Or when I’m the one distressed or in pain, I tell the other person what I need. “I just need to vent. Can you please just hold out the bucket for me” or “I need your opinion. Help me out, please.” They’ve proven quite helpful and effective for both parties. No additional unnecessary hurts, albeit unintentional.

      I’m sorry to hear that a lot of your friends and family have disappeared — just when you need them the most, eh? And yeah, I get that their disappearance may be for varied — and valid — reasons. Good for you that they’re coming back now. Hopefully, they’ll be able to give what you need.

      Thank you for the interview transcription, and thank you for your l💜vely visit and l💛ving energy, as always!
      Much L❤ve to you, Shawna, and Magical Blessings!!!🙏🌞🌟😇🌺💖


  2. Pingback: An Otherwise Quiet Moment Of A Free Spirit | Aligning With Truth

🌛🙏💖🌟🌞Would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and wisdom!!!🌞🌟💞🙏🌜

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