I will not apologize for what, who, and how I am. I speak and live my truth. I’m not the type of person who concerns herself with how others perceive her.
I used to — when I had this seemingly insatiable need for approval and acceptance.
Thankfully, not anymore.
I mean, it hasn’t vanished completely. I still get triggered and pulled into the drama now and then.
But I’m so much more mindful and aware now of the familiar energies that I’m able to get out of the drama even before I get sucked into it.
I have lost the desire to people-please. I even find it exhausting, whew! Collecting ‘likes’ has lost its appeal. In fact, it would be a surprise if I do get the ‘likes’ and approval.
That’s just how it is to be a maverick. A territory where few tread. A domain that I have fully embraced by now. The space in which I thrive.
I will continue to say what I feel I am being nudged to say — no matter how unpopular it is — and say it as best I can, when it is called and asked for and in a most respectful way I can.
But I also know that because I’m not faultless, no matter how hard I attempt at being mindful and polite, there will be moments when what I will say will be offensive. That it would come across the wrong way.
I also know that no matter what, there will always be those who will still be slighted and take what I say out of context.
I’ve also learned to accept — and not be bothered by — the fact that there will always be criticisms, negations, and fault-finding. Differences in views and opinions.
And I choose not to engage with such energies.
Recently, though, I allowed myself to participate in such a ‘drama.’
I went along with it during my recent involvement in our residential community’s state of affairs. I went along with such a strategy to help unite the two opposing sectors of our team of volunteers — for the best interest of the greater community.
See, there’s a sector that perceives me as not being objective and has her ‘loyalty’ in the wrong place. That I was siding with the management. [A misperception, of course. Graaaaaave misperception. And I’ll leave it at that.]
I needed to hold myself back. Considering I was pretty much the team’s strategist and gifted to see the Big Picture, I kept a low profile and coursed through someone else any and every idea that I had. Any suggestion that came from me was sure to be met by the ‘opposition’ with skepticism. In a way, I played small — even if it isn’t my cup of tea.
Playing small, not freely expressing myself is so constricting! Dishonoring! And unfair. Totally unfair.
To hold back goes against the nature of a free spirit. Not to mention, it is detrimental to my health! To anyone’s health!
Sure, it earned me the badge of being “an awesome team player.”
Back in my approval-seeking heyday, that would have made my eyes sparkle! It would have given me a feeling as if I had just conquered the world!
But it didn’t.
It was the opposite.
I didn’t experience joy or fulfillment even if I was helping out and making a contribution — because it dishonored me.
Quite naturally, I felt diminished. Dismissed. [And so goes again the all too familiar dysfunctional energies in my childhood and home environment!]
Plus, as I wrote in an earlier post, I wasn’t appreciated and appropriately acknowledged — and my input was being passed off as another’s idea or creation!
Oh, there was just too much drama and politics! Too toxic of an environment!
I wasn’t thriving; I was wilting away.
And that’s enough reason for me to turn my back and go my way.
My merry, drama-free maverick way!