I Wasn’t Thriving; I Was Wilting Away.

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I will not apologize for what, who, and how I am. I speak and live my truth. I’m not the type of person who concerns herself with how others perceive her.

I used to — when I had this seemingly insatiable need for approval and acceptance.

Thankfully, not anymore.

I mean, it hasn’t vanished completely. I still get triggered and pulled into the drama now and then.

But I’m so much more mindful and aware now of the familiar energies that I’m able to get out of the drama even before I get sucked into it.

I have lost the desire to people-please. I even find it exhausting, whew! Collecting ‘likes’ has lost its appeal. In fact, it would be a surprise if I do get the ‘likes’ and approval.

That’s just how it is to be a maverick. A territory where few tread. A domain that I have fully embraced by now. The space in which I thrive.

[Brad’s (Writing To Freedom) comment to a recent post reminded me of that — to choose, focus, and stay in the space where I thrive. Thanks, Brad!]

I will continue to say what I feel I am being nudged to say — no matter how unpopular it is — and say it as best I can, when it is called and asked for and in a most respectful way I can.

But I also know that because I’m not faultless, no matter how hard I attempt at being mindful and polite, there will be moments when what I will say will be offensive. That it would come across the wrong way.

I also know that no matter what, there will always be those who will still be slighted and take what I say out of context.

I’ve also learned to accept — and not be bothered by — the fact that there will always be criticisms, negations, and fault-finding. Differences in views and opinions.

And I choose not to engage with such energies.

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Recently, though, I allowed myself to participate in such a ‘drama.’

I went along with it during my recent involvement in our residential community’s state of affairs. I went along with such a strategy to help unite the two opposing sectors of our team of volunteers — for the best interest of the greater community.

See, there’s a sector that perceives me as not being objective and has her ‘loyalty’ in the wrong place. That I was siding with the management. [A misperception, of course. Graaaaaave misperception. And I’ll leave it at that.]

I needed to hold myself back. Considering I was pretty much the team’s strategist and gifted to see the Big Picture, I kept a low profile and coursed through someone else any and every idea that I had. Any suggestion that came from me was sure to be met by the ‘opposition’ with skepticism. In a way, I played small — even if it isn’t my cup of tea.

Playing small, not freely expressing myself is so constricting! Dishonoring! And unfair. Totally unfair.

To hold back goes against the nature of a free spirit. Not to mention, it is detrimental to my health! To anyone’s health!

Sure, it earned me the badge of being “an awesome team player.”

Back in my approval-seeking heyday, that would have made my eyes sparkle! It would have given me a feeling as if I had just conquered the world!

But it didn’t.

It was the opposite.

I didn’t experience joy or fulfillment even if I was helping out and making a contribution — because it dishonored me.

Quite naturally, I felt diminished. Dismissed. [And so goes again the all too familiar dysfunctional energies in my childhood and home environment!]

Plus, as I wrote in an earlier post, I wasn’t appreciated and appropriately acknowledged — and my input was being passed off as another’s idea or creation!

Oh, there was just too much drama and politics! Too toxic of an environment!

I wasn’t thriving; I was wilting away.

And that’s enough reason for me to turn my back and go my way.

My merry, drama-free maverick way!

🕉🙏🕉

Copyright © 2011-2018 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Brightest & Magical Blessings!!! Om Shanti. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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8 Responses to I Wasn’t Thriving; I Was Wilting Away.

  1. Kudos Nadine and thanks for the mention. May we honor ourselves, love others, and thrive.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nadine,
    You inspire me and I learn so much from you. I’m sorry you have been dealing with drama in your environment and that you have felt like you’ve had to play small. Along with your own health and healing. You’ve had a lot on your plate. I’ve been wondering where you’ve been.

    Girlfriend, shine your light – they can get some shades! Why is it that we do that?! Why do we hold back at times? Do you think it has to do with past lives where we were punished for speaking our truth? I sometimes feel that way.
    Is this some karma that is being played out in our lives? What lesson are we learning in this life about that?
    Things that make you go hmmm…
    I find myself doing that a lot. Holding myself back, not saying what I want to say to bosses out of fear and approval. Maybe I’m supposed to learn to step into my power, to not hold back. That’s it’s safe for me to speak up now. I don’t know, you’ve got me thinking though. I appreciate that. 🙂
    Much love to you!
    Thank you for all you share and the way you write – gets me in the gap. I like that!
    Much love to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad and honored that I inspire you, Shawna. Thank you for saying that! 🙏It means so much to me, and being acknowledged and validated helps fuel me to keep on sharing and inspiring!😍
      I also so appreciate the genuine concern and compassion. 🙏I sure haven’t gotten that in my immediate surrounding — at least, not from the group that I got involved with. Or they, at the least, don’t know how. . Maybe. Oh well…

      Yeah, the dramas in our lives, whew! So grateful I took a bow long before the curtain call and have no desire or intention to reprise my role!😉 It sure was quite distressing — yet quite healing and transformational, too! Will be sharing my realizations and insights in future posts.
      I may have held myself back from expressing myself, but it wasn’t so much just a karmic/past life thing or a childhood wounding that played out unconsciously. I made a conscious decision and deliberate choice. There was a goal that I, we were aiming for. That’s why when we reached the goal — well, sort of — I resigned immediately as I felt that I had already served my purpose. Of course, I also left because it was just too constricting and distressing for me not to be able to function freely — precisely because I was holding back. There was a significant turn of events, though that made me reconsider my decision, but it just went downhill from there. Hence, my resignation with much finality. No regrets. The experience, as I said earlier, was most healing and transformative! I just wish our growth experiences aren’t as distressing. Mine, at least. I often had wondered about that, you know. Can my growth and transformation be experienced with pure joy and fun and no pain/distress AT ALL? Hmmm….
      I can relate very much to what you shared about your situation at work — the fear of being rejected and disapproved when we express ourselves. I’m grateful my writing got you thinking and in the gap. I’m sure that clarity will reveal itself — when it’s time & when you’re ready to stay in your power & express yourself & your Light! I don’t doubt that time will come! Meantime, am sending your way lots of L💙ve and the Brightest and Magical Blessings as you ponder, and thank you for the L💜ve & your l💖vely visit, Shawna!!!😍☀🙏🌟🌱🤗🌞🌺✨🌻

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Nadine,
        Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been in a bit of a funk with missing my Mom and sometimes I go into a hermit mode. I’m realizing that is a form of self-care though and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

        “Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
        – Eleanor Brownn

        Your blog and story helps me and so many others – so please keep writing and blogging. Thank you so much for your reply and loving words. I wish I could give you a big hug! Here’s a virtual one coming your way. 🙂 xoxo

        I agree girlfriend, I wish our growth experience didn’t have to be so distressing at times too. I’m looking forward to reading more, about to do some catching up on your blog.
        Thank you for inspiring me – one day I’m going to start a blog and I hope that I can write half as good as you do.

        I love you so much soul sister! I feel a kindred spirit connection with you Nadine.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Hey Shawna! I’m so happy to hear from you — as always! No worries about the late reply. We reply when we reply. 😍 …. Oh, go into hermit mode for as long as you so wish. I know exactly how that is. Yes, we need to give ourselves full permission for what we need. Yes, we need to keep our cups full all the time; cannot give from an empty cup.
          It gives me joy to know that my blog has been helping you, Shawna. #grateful 🙏 Thank you for saying that!🙏 And thank you for the hug which I’m sending right back at you!🤗😍
          Been waiting and looking forward to reading your blog. I have no doubt that you will write beautifully, Shawna! 👌
          I love you, too, and am so happy and grateful for our connection and conversations, soul sister!!! 😍💖😇

          Like

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