I reached out to the two healing practitioners that I mentioned in my previous post to receive some energy balancing, nurturance and support — and preferably from a female/mother figure.
I realized, though, that I already AM getting that through my weekly acupuncture sessions. The compassionate caring of a truly wonderful, supportive and nurturing physician is a rarity with which I’m blessed.
I also realized that it was, once more, my wounded little Nadine who was looking for the mother’s love when I reached out to them — especially Jo, the founder/owner of the healing center.
My little Nadine was hoping to recreate that loving, nurturing, and healthy mother-daughter relationship that she never had.
It was an opportunity to remind myself that I can re-parent my inner child; I can re-mother my little Nadine and give her all the love that she deserves.
The Familiar Energy In Her Voice and Our Interaction
The minute I heard Jo’s cold-sounding “Hello?” from the other end of the phone line, the distinct unpleasantness in her voice quickly found its way to me.
I was brought back in time. To old, familiar energies that immediately made my body stiffen and all my muscles to tense up.
In an instant, I was transported to an unsafe and all-too-familiar environment.
“O, ang tagal mong nawala, ah (Oh, you’ve been gone for so long).” I immediately sensed the displeasure in her voice — like I owed her an explanation for my ‘disappearance.’
None of the “I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis,” “How are you?”, “I’ve missed you, and I’m so glad you contacted us,” “How can we help you?”
Even though Jo was out of the country, she was very much aware of the diagnosis of breast cancer and my desire for a healing session.
Her co-founder who I earlier contacted called her the day before. It was Jo who asked me to phone her that day.
That’s why I was taken aback when Jo wouldn’t let me have any of the care, concern, and compassion that I need — and expected.
You wanted me to call you so you can belittle and criticize me? Huh?
The energies reminded me so much of my mother’s distinct manipulative, passive-aggressive ways. My mother’s concept of ‘personal power.’
Jo was withholding the love. But she would give it to me later in our conversation.
Just like my mother!
Whoa. Wait. Am I talking to Jo or my mother?!?! Creepy!!!
“O, kelan pa yan? (Since when has it [the tumor/cancer] been?” Jo asked. It sure didn’t sound to me like she was concealing the nonchalance in the tone of her questioning.
I began narrating how it is so clear to me that the manifestation of the malignant tumor in my left breast is a result of my mother wound — how I had dealt with and handled the wound, my repressed emotions around it, and how I can continue to heal, grow, and transform from it.
(Please note — I am not blaming my mother with that statement. Neither am I attributing the cancer diagnosis SOLELY to my mother wound. More about that in future posts.)
Do you need to continue engaging in this conversation, Nadine — especially after having been met with such unwelcoming and dishonoring energies?
I hadn’t quite finished processing that question in my head, and I was still in the middle of my sharing when Jo quickly interrupted me. (And I detest being interrupted!)
She rattled on — in a condescending tone — about past life connections. As if establishing such connections with my mother is enough to make the wound and trauma instantly dissipate!!
There was a time that I was so drawn to past life therapies. I was deep into it, falsely believing that everything is solely about past lives.
My shoulders tightened even more. Heartbeat racing, nearly exploding. Heaviness and pain in the chest. Head throbbing. Armpits sweating profusely.
My stomach felt rock hard.
I felt attacked as Jo immediately questioned why I chose to distance myself from my family including my mother — without hearing me out.
But I stood my ground. I didn’t give my power away to her. I had an answer to Jo’s every query.
I confidently responded as I chose to engage in the battle.
Yes, I decided to participate — for a reason. A well-founded reason and transformative purpose.
Oh, the interaction and control drama was so exhausting! The power struggle, the misaligned and clashing energies were not what I anticipated. The dishonoring and shaming energies were not what I deserved.
I am quite vulnerable and still recovering from the recent breast surgery. I am in need of care and compassion, not condemnation. And for that to come from a ‘master healer?’ Someone under whom I trained? Someone who was a ‘mother figure’ to me?
There seemed to be no end to her interrogations — until she eventually softened up and gave me the floor. Finally.
“I was listening to your story, and it was like hearing mine.”
I heard Jo chuckle from the other end of the line.
Was the suppressed laugh from discomfort or embarrassment after realizing how she wrongfully judged me at the onset?
I couldn’t tell if she had felt remorse by the time she opened up about her experience, if she realized how slighted I was by her attacking and judging energies.
I did feel the shift in her energies, though. Compassion seeped through her words as she continued, “I was seven years old when I was first hit on my hand when I committed a mistake. I immediately left home because I knew that treatment wasn’t right.”
I just found it interesting — and amusing — how she quickly questioned my decision and condescendingly lectured me about past lives.
Jo came from a place of judgment instead of empathy and compassion. She was critical of my choices, only to tell me that she was in a predicament that wasn’t much different from mine!
“Good for you that you immediately recognized the cruelty and wrongness with just one beating,” was my ‘rebuttal.’
“I endured the abuse for years. For decades. It took me decades to finally say no to the abuse,” I reiterated after which Jo, thankfully, finally ‘conceded.’
Decades of abusive and disrespectful treatment. Of being violated, dishonored, dismissed, shamed — beginning right after my mother gave birth to me when I had my first taste of rejection.
My mother was so disappointed with my appearance, color of skin, and gender.
What a way to be welcomed to the world, eh? By one’s mother at that. (I wrote about that here.)
I remember having shared with Jo my experiences and wounds from a dysfunctional and abusive home environment when she and I first met 15 years ago.
I don’t recall, though, how much I had shared. She probably also couldn’t remember.
But does her non-remembrance give her, a healing practitioner at that — or anyone for that matter — the right and permission to immediately judge and condemn another?
I quickly stopped myself from ‘judging’ her for ‘judging’ me.
No Goose Bumps. No Aha Moments. No More ‘Mother’ Bond.
Having goosebumps is one way that my body communicates to me when something speaks to me of truth.
Not once did I experience that during my conversation with Jo. I didn’t have pivotal aha moments.
I don’t mean to paint a picture of her being ‘wrong,’ inauthentic or inept.
Jo and I are just not on the same terrain of consciousness. Not anymore.
My interaction with her was so different from when I first trained under her as a Reiki practitioner. When I was a budding, enthusiastic, hungry wanna-be healing practitioner.
At the time, Jo, as my Reiki Master was ‘God.’ Everything that she said was ‘The Word.’ I put her on that pedestal.
Being in the beginning stage of my healing journey, I was so open to insights and messages. Too open and gullible, in fact. Oh, there was so much room for improvement in my discernment department!
I was thirsty for information and answers. I was also thirsty and hungry for a mother’s love.
It had only been a few years since I began my journey of healing my inner child and mother wound. I was, quite naturally, drawn to Jo and her energies which were, not surprisingly, very similar to those of my mother’s.
Of course, I didn’t recognize the energy dynamics at the time.
Of course, it was the wounded little Nadine looking for the mother’s love.
Of course, it was the wounded little Nadine attempting to re-create the nurturing mother-daughter relationship she never had.
At the time and again, recently.
But I recognized the energy dynamics this time — thankfully.
I’m so grateful that it wasn’t only the lure of the healing center — which I shared in my earlier post — that wasn’t there anymore.
The obsession and compelling desire for me to re-create with other women and mother figures the nurturing mother-daughter bond that I didn’t experience also lost its appeal, thankfully.
Not to the degree, at least, as before.
And that is the measure of my healing, growth, and transformation.
I’m so grateful to have easily detected the disempowering energies playing out. To have quickly backed off before even getting sucked in.
This interaction would turn out to be one of those powerful boundary-setting opportunities — the chance to practice a newly created empowering pattern of me saying,
Thank you, [Mother], but no thank you.