“It’s over, thank you…..”
These words run through my head as tears well up behind my eyelids and roll down my cheeks.
I want to be held. At the same time, I want just to stay still as I let the relief sink in. The reality to sink in. The reality that it is over, thankfully. For now, at least. This procedure, at least.
The nurse is quite alarmed. She quickly reaches out wanting to caress my arm while muttering, “Oh…..”
I don’t allow her to finish her sentence and ask me “What’s wrong?”
“It’s alright. These are tears of joy….of relief,” I quickly reassure the understandably disconcerted nurse as I begin to wake up more fully after an hour and a half of surgical procedure.
I feel a tingling warmth in the limbs. A steady and slow release of all bodily tension that has built up over the weeks leading to this fateful day of operation.
One month ago today, I underwent excision biopsy and partial mastectomy in the left breast. The lab results showed what no one wants to hear. Never. Ever.
Invasive mammary carcinoma.
Simply put — breast cancer.
Perhaps the two most dreaded words of every woman.
In the U.S., “1 out of 8 women (12.4%) will develop invasive breast cancer over the course of her lifetime.” I have no info on what the statistics are for the Philippines, my country of origin or Asia for that matter. Whatever the numbers are, I suddenly found myself belonging to those statistics.
It is why I have not blogged and visited other blogs in a while.
But there is so much to share — especially those for which I am most grateful. How amazingly transformational and validating it has been.
I spent the past two decades dedicating my life and my time to self-healing. My efforts have paid off. I am convinced that I was being prepared for this. For this life-altering episode.
“No, I don’t think you were being prepared for this,” Dr. Bejamin Sison, my favorite acupuncturist corrected me. He is one of the very few genuinely caring medical professionals that I’ve encountered, bless his beautiful he💗rt! 🙏
“What you have done over the years enabled you to face and handle this situation courageously.” With much Ease, Peace and Grace, I will add.
That’s an apt description. I like how he put it.
My self-healing endeavors equipped me with the Courage. The Strength. The ability to Fully Surrender. To Accept with Much Gratitude and Appreciation. To Trust. Believe. To Know.
Simply put — God’s Grace.
It was God’s Grace that allowed me to keep a positive outlook. To focus on the Big Picture and Higher Purpose. To see the Blessing. To find the gift. To. Be. The. Gift.
It is God’s Grace that is keeping me steadfast in my Faith. Staying dedicated to embodying and radiating as best I can, Love, Peace, Joy, and Compassion — in every situation and even if, sadly, not much has been trickling my way.
Love truly comes in the most unexpected ways. Sadly, so does its opposite.
Oh, I cannot count the times when I needed to extend compassion to those who are unable — refuse? — to be compassionate towards me. Me who needs compassion the most. Now more than ever.
Countless are those who have shown me anything but love. Those who attempted to make me feel dishonored. Less than. Diminished. Dismissed.
Even after having learned of my health diagnosis.
And with such coming from those least expected. From those in the healing profession at that. And even from supposed ‘friends.’
Oh, it is so easy — and understandable — to feel discouraged. To fall prey in the lure of self-pity and victimhood. It is so tempting to succumb to the disappointment and unmet expectations. To lash out and lash back.
Thankfully, I quickly turn such encounters to opportunities for me to polish and strengthen my compassionate skills. To be the bigger person instead.
I have chosen and I AM choosing to view such distresses as the Universe’ way of protecting me. Of keeping me away from those who do not have my best interest and highest good at heart.
Rejection is the Universe’ Protection.
For the nth time, the Universe reminded me of that.
I saw the true colors and motives of specific individuals.
And rather than invest more time and energy in such relationships, it’s best that I keep away from them — those who do not know how to honor, value and respect me.
And to nurture those who do.
It’s best that I continue to invest and use the time and energy for more self-healing. Self-nurturance. Self-care. Self-love.
It’s best that I focus on expanding my perspective. On deepening my Faith. To Trust even more fully and strengthen my Knowing.
It’s best that I use my energy on appreciating and being grateful for the Care and Compassion that are coming my way — although few and far between. To see the glass half-full instead of half-empty. To focus on and be grateful for what IS there rather than futilely desire and bicker on what isn’t.
And to do and be all these despite the breast cancer diagnosis.
Actually, because of it.
As a result of the breast cancer diagnosis, I AM choosing to use this ‘health jolt’ — I don’t want to use the term ‘health scare’ — as an opportunity for God’s Grace to flow through and for the demonstration of the Omnipotent Power of the Mystery.
I AM choosing to shine amidst the dreariness. To glow despite the prevalence of despair in my midst. To keep my fire burning. To stay anchored in my Truth and my Light — even in those times when there is little certainty in sight.
I AM choosing to be the Candle in the Dark.
I may flicker. I may falter.
But I AM staying lit — more so now than ever.
🕉 🙏🕉 🙏🕉