Misguided Choices. Desperation. Bat Medicine.

Have you gone back to places, situations, and relationships only to find out that you should have stuck to your earlier decision to leave without any intentions of returning?

Why do we go back? Why do we revert to old habits? Why do we revisit familiar places? Why do we go back to the ones who hurt us? To destructive relationships and unhealthy situations?

Familiarity. Comfort. Fear of the unknown. Not wanting to get out of our comfort zone. Not wanting to take risks and venture into something new.

And don’t we also stay for these same reasons that we go back?

Countless are the times when I went back — and regretted it.

Countless, too, are the times when I stayed — and also regretted it.

My Core Wound

My challenges and the growth opportunities that my Soul chose are in the area of Home. Environment. Living situation.

Makes sense as it is where my core wound resides — pun intended. Astrologer Wendy Guy describes Chiron as representing “the wounds we carry on all levels – physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, etc.

In my natal chart, Chiron is in my fourth house, the house associated with our roots and origins, home base, family in general, childhood upbringing and the environment we were raised in, father or mother image and relationship to the birth father or birth mother — not all astrological teachings have a consistent view on this. In my case, it is both father and mother.

Choosing Out of Desperation

Over the past two and a half years, I decided on the three places where I lived primarily out of desperation.

Image Source: https://pixabay.com/

Instead of trusting the Universe, I allowed my desperation to be my guiding force and motivation, making me believe that there was no other option left for me.

I arrived at a fear-based decision. Scarcity consciousness prevailed.

I settled for less.

I didn’t love myself enough to give to myself only that which honors, loves, respects, and celebrates me. I didn’t give to myself all that I deserve.

I operated out of a limiting and misguided perspective and paradigm. I ignored my Higher Wisdom. I didn’t put into practice what I had known intellectually.

Quite naturally, I ended up feeling even more miserable than I already was.

When the motivation is desperation rather than Inspiration, decisions and ensuing actions are sure to produce unfavorable results.

Antique. Magically Led but Tragically Ended. Why?

In 2015, I shared on this site here and here how I was magically led to the province of Antique. That trip, though, ended tragically!

I was searching for my next ‘home’ when I discovered Antique. I didn’t want to go back to the resort at Sugar Beach empty-handed. I didn’t want to put up with the unsupportive energies there that I had discovered earlier on.

I wanted to be anywhere but the resort at Sugar Beach.

In short, I was desperate.

My misguided determination to be elsewhere left me overlooking essential considerations such as my safety and security, thus, endangering myself and being traumatized!

Part of that tragic episode and one good thing, though, that came out of it is the opportunity for deeper healing of my father wound.

I came face-to-face with my ‘father’ in the person of a resort owner.

As I wrote in my post here, not coincidentally, both have the same names. My Dad’s first name is Bernardo; the resort owner’s first name is Bernhard.

Both have the same nickname — ‘Bernie.’

Both hurting little boys trapped in an alpha male persona.

Both filled with rage that they were spewing at me.

I allowed it with my father.  But not with the resort owner.

This time, I fought back. Answered back.

Oh, it was terrifying, but I felt so empowered!

Facing my father, being a ‘convenient’ recipient of the rage and responding differently, thus, allowing for deeper healing of a core wound, along with other gifts were my takeaways.

My experiences may have been most tragic, but I’m grateful for the blessings nonetheless.

Living close to a ‘friend.’ Or so I thought.

Feeling so low and alone, with no other place to live after Antique, feeling desperate, I chose to live in a complex in a city not so much because I’m fond of the area but primarily because it is where my only close friend resides.

I thought that she would be my rock, something I badly — and rightfully — needed at the time.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to recover from my Antique episode. My health suffered even more. My system went haywire!

Things went downhill culminating with the falling out with that only friend I had. The one because of whom I chose the place.

I may have chosen the location for the ‘wrong’ reason, but my miserable living situation shed light on our ‘friendship.’ I needed to finally admit that there was an imbalance in our energy interactions — me doing the giving, and she the taking. Something I had already sensed back when we first met but chose to ignore.

And why did I choose to be friends with her in the first place? I was desperate. (Again!) I finally met someone who gets me and is in close geographical proximity. I was also still wrongfully feeding my deeply embedded ‘Rescuer.’

The ending of our friendship may have gutted me and left me feeling so alone, but I’m grateful for the gifts behind the pain.

Returning to Sugar Beach

With no other option available at the time — or none that I was willing to explore — feeling alone and desperate once more, I decided to go back to familiar territory.

I already knew from previous experience that my stay wouldn’t be completely peaceful and joyful. But I still went back — out of desperation — again!

The place?

Sugar Beach.

That’s right.

Sugar Beach.

The place to which I already bade goodbye a year prior and with which I had previously arrived at a space of completion in 2015. I wrote about that here and here.

Just like my Antique misadventure, my stay at Sugar Beach the second time around also ended quite tragically with my trauma from dog bites resurfacing!!!

At around this time a year ago, I was just beginning my recovery process. I was pretty much in shock from what was another horrific living situation-related episode, with eerily similar circumstances and outcomes!

And I sure have gained and continue to gain so much clarity and insights since. I experienced much healing, re-balancing and integrating. For all these, I’m most grateful.

Signs, Messages, Synchronicities Everywhere. Yet….

Considering how much I have been sharing on this site about my travel experiences and process of creating my geographical island home on Earth, isn’t it quite telling that I didn’t share about this chapter of my return to Sugar Beach — before, during, and right after?

I had difficulty writing about it. It wasn’t easy ‘justifying’ what I knew at some level was a misguided decision.

Heck, I haven’t entirely convinced myself. How could I persuade others — you? Not that there’s any justification or convincing needed.

I was quite embarrassed for having made a ‘mistake.’ Where did all my wisdom go? How could I have chosen so ‘wrongly’ and be ‘so off’ in my decisions? I was ashamed to admit my missteps. Too proud!

I was also still quite unclear and so confused as to what I was supposed to learn and gain from all the mishaps. I wasn’t ready and not in a proper frame of consciousness to receive the insights and allow the messages to come through.

The signs and synchronicities were there. Some, I ignored. Others, misinterpreted.

Bat magically appeared to me on that powerful Full Moon Earth Day of April 2016.

I was paying attention, but I misinterpreted the message. I needed to substantiate my decision. Justifications here and there, convincing myself and others that it was the ‘right’ choice.

Re-reading it now, I sure have twisted the meaning around, albeit unintentionally to suit my whim!

According to Ted Andrews, author of  Animal-Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small, it will be beneficial to meditate on the tarot card The Hanged Man when Bat appears.

I didn’t pay much attention to the profound meaning of Bat’s appearance. Instead, I focused on the Hanged Man tarot card’s message of ‘sacrifice.’

I thought it meant that during the peak season when the resort at Sugar Beach gets crazy — which drives me crazy! — it’s acceptable for me to sacrifice the peace and quiet in exchange for my comfort, safety, and security which I had overlooked and didn’t experience when I chose Antique.

I decided to go back to Sugar Beach knowing fully well that I was sacrificing real and more lasting Joy and Peace in exchange for the supposed comfort, safety, and security — believing that it was Bat’s message.

But as in Antique, I also did not experience the comfort, safety, and security at the resort in Sugar Beach. It was, in fact, the opposite! As I’ve shared, both stays ended quite tragically and traumatically!!!

When the motivation is desperation rather than Inspiration, decisions and ensuing actions are sure to produce unfavorable results. 

No Sacrifices. Only Self-love. Always.

I mustn’t sacrifice anything. Not my comfort, safety, and security. Not the peace, quiet, and joy.

I mustn’t compromise my peace and bliss.

The peace and quiet that gives me joy, as well as my safety, comfort, and security are equally important and essential to my well-being. They aren’t just nice-to-haves.

And if the place or situation cannot provide any or all of these, most especially if I had already experienced, seen and proven it, and nothing has changed, there’s no reason to go back — or to stay.

🕉 🙏🕉 🙏🕉

Copyright © 2011-2018 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth


About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Brightest & Magical Blessings!!! Om Shanti. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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4 Responses to Misguided Choices. Desperation. Bat Medicine.

  1. candidkay says:

    No worse feeling than going back–to a person or a place–that brought you joy once and realizing you cannot recreate it. Such an empty feeling as you gaze upon what reminds you of joy, but keeps it out of reach.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Visionkeeper says:

    These journey’s we go on Nadine are challenging to say the least…Sometimes I have to wonder how I’ve made it through all I’ve been through…They demand every bit of us on every level. I think as I age it’s why I am so driven to find answers, I don’t want to do this all again 🙂 I want to learn the lesson, but frustratingly sometimes I can’t figure out what it is! I hope your journey explodes with joy and understanding and peace will follow….Blessings…VK ❤


    • Thank you, VK, for the reassuring words! 💖 I’ve said it, you’ve said it, many, if not all of us have said and asked — What was I thinking when I signed up for this, eh?!?! 😀 I, too, have often wondered, I have been in awe and amazed — and proud of myself I will admit! — just how I was able to make it through!!! Our journey is definitely not for the faint of heart or they would have easily fainted!!! 😀
      Ahhh….Joy…Peace…..Understanding……yeah, I sure would benefit and be grateful for those! Thank you for the comforting visit! Much L ❤ ve & Brightest Blessings to you, too, VK!!! 🌞🌟💞🙏🌜


🌛🙏💖🌟🌞Would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, and wisdom!!!🌞🌟💞🙏🌜

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