After finding out from me that I, like you, was going through rough times, you said that you understood then why our friendship ended. That it was because our individual challenges would have prevented us from being there for each other.
That wasn’t why we had to be separated.
We had a falling out because we needed, I needed the time and space to re-evaluate our friendship. I needed to be much clearer on what are my essentials in a friendship.
I don’t want and don’t need someone to mentor. That doesn’t give me joy and any sense of fulfillment. It used to. Not anymore.
I don’t need someone to need me for me to feel accomplished or complete. It had become so much clearer to me that it was my Inner Rescuer that was finding the fulfillment and satisfaction with that kind of interaction.
And that was pretty much how our friendship had been. I was your teacher, mentor, and guide. You were my student and mentee. You admitted at the onset that you were looking for a ‘teacher.’ And I, subconsciously, at the time, was in search of a ‘student.’
I no longer want to fill an inner void through external means. In fact, the year that we were apart helped me be on my own and tap into my internal reserves which have been there all along. But because I was preoccupied with seeking satisfaction and validation externally, I overlooked and took for granted the fact that I had it all in me.
It is only me who can fill in my inner void. It is only me who can complete me.
It was still my deep need for approval that was behind why I found our friendship nurturing. I met someone who validated me. I met someone who made me feel good about myself because she listens to me. She pays attention to me. And it sure made me feel so damned good!
Sure, it is ‘humanly normal’ to want to be listened to and to be given attention.
But who was it really who was feeling satisfied? What part of me? Which aspect of me?
Well, it was my hurting, severely wounded little Nadine. I was filling my unmet childhood needs through your attention and listening ear.
And that’s not the appropriate and effective way to heal that wounded part of me. That is still me seeking for Mom’s and Dad’s approval, attention, affection, affirmation, and acceptance. Doing so only leads to the perpetuation of the long-standing dysfunctional pattern that I’m so determined to break.
When you and I first started hanging out, I had already become aware of such energy dynamics and the likelihood that it would play out between us. In fact, I avoided you in the beginning. I told you that. And I said that the reason I initially stayed away from you was I was wary that it was my rescuing tendency that was pulling me to you. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t. Hence, the distance.
I took my chance later. I had thought that being so much more aware of that pattern would be enough for me not to fall into the trap.
But I still did. I again fell into the trap.
With no fault of anyone.
It had just become clear to me that as soon as I recognize the familiar energies — me as the Rescuer and the other as the Victim — the wisest and most loving step for me to take is to walk away. To not even take an inch closer.
When you already know that it’s a dangerous neighborhood, why take the risk of walking alone in the dark — or even when accompanied — when there are other safer routes to take?
It’s best to avoid. Stay away. Walk away.
Walking away doesn’t mean I’m weak or giving in to fear.
On the contrary, walking away is a sign of Strength and Courage. It shows how courageous I am to say no and stay firm on my ground. To set energetic boundaries. A growth opportunity that I keep attracting and a life skill that I’m still mastering.
A skill that, thankfully and with much pride, I’m getting better at with each opportunity that shows up — such as our connection.
You have always believed in me. You’ve always had faith in me. You probably trusted me more than I trusted myself. I cannot thank you enough for that.
And you taught me, you showed me, you mirrored to me how to do that to myself.
To believe and have faith in myself. To trust myself.
And I am so, so grateful for that gift!
As we’ve talked about extensively on numerous occasions, trust is my core wound. The lack of self-trust. Having been rejected and not approved since birth gave me the message that “I am wrong.”
When that message has been instilled in you since you were born, and when you begin to realize it only in your adult life decades later, it becomes a daunting task to undo it. It becomes a lifelong endeavor.
But it is doable. Achievable.
As I have proven to myself during the one year that we were apart.
The time and distance allowed me to progress on my path of trusting myself.
I may have felt abandoned, betrayed, and so alone, but with you not being there for me to run to in an instant, without you providing a compassionate listening ear, I was compelled to choose and decide on my own. To not second-guess myself. To be confident in myself. In my skills and abilities.
I was even able to stop myself from consulting with spiritual readers. Oh, the temptation was there. But I’m so grateful — and proud — that I didn’t succumb to the lure!
I took a step further in truly Surrendering. In deepening the Knowing that I AM fully supported by the Universe. That the Universe has my back — all the time, each time.
In fact, I realized that not trusting myself also meant not trusting the Divine. And it is quite humbling and such an eye-opener to become fully aware of that.
Talking with a friend and sharing my experiences, insights, and reflections, is something that I need in addition to having my Inner Dialogue and Conversations with my Divine Self, my Soul who is my true Divine Mate. Talking out with a friend isn’t supposed to take its place.
From hereon, I’m no longer the needy gypsy in search of a kindred spirit with whom to connect. I’m not saying I don’t need anyone with whom I’d like to have soul-directed and heart-led connections. It certainly is still an essential in my life.
But it is no longer something that I’m desperately searching for. It isn’t something I need to make me feel complete and whole. After all, no one can complete me except me.
When I attract another — be it a potential friend or a romantic mate — it isn’t our neediness that will draw us to each other.
Instead, it is our completeness.
My state of wholeness and completeness is what attracts other individuals who are in the same state of wholeness and balance. Such is what lies at the foundation of the connection.
A connection that isn’t there to fill an emptiness. A bond that isn’t there for the purpose of completing each other. But a connection that is there for the purpose of sharing, witnessing, and celebrating each other’s completeness. To rejoice in the fullness of each other’s spirits. To delight in the totality of each other’s beings.
They are in each other’s lives to provide and reciprocate the support and encouragement as they progress in their journeys. To comfort each other when times are rough. To lift each other’s spirits. To honor who and where each one is on their journey. To be each other’s “believing mirrors” instead of being each other’s “void fillers.”
Thank you for the gift of helping me fully believe in myself.
Thank you for re-directing me back to me and leaving space for me to attract and be connected with my “believing mirrors” and to whom I can be theirs.
And it is my deepest and truest wish for you to also be led to yours.
Om Shanti. Namaste.
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