It is the evening of the 24th, half past eight o’clock.
I’m in a reflective mood. In a state of appreciation and gratefulness.
I’m reminiscing about all Christmases past, particularly those of the last couple of years during which time I found myself facing very similar tragic and traumatic circumstances and situations.
It was Christmastime. A supposed time of joy, festivities, and celebrations. I, on the other hand, was in one of my lowest, if not the lowest point in my life.
I felt alone. Betrayed. Abandoned.
I felt helpless. Hopeless. Homeless.
While current circumstances in my living situation are, thankfully, far from those of the past couple of years, the trauma is so deeply etched in my memory that I was beginning to feel anxious as the days drew nearer leading to Christmas Day.
‘Three is a Charm’
They say that everything comes in three’s. That three is a charm. Is it?
The temptation to fall prey to such a limiting belief was getting stronger. Thankfully, I’m able to resist and deflect it.
I never really subscribed to such a belief anyway. And I’m not about to change my mind about it. I’m not giving my power away to it.
I’m not allowing such a disempowering belief to seep in my sub-consciousness lest it materializes and continues precisely the pattern that I’m determined to break.
I thank the Universe for my ‘quiet holiday’ this year. For this ‘silent, holy night….’
“Wow, no drama, yay!!!! Thank you, Universe!!!”
A door slams. The banging echoes and reverberates in the corridor.
Heavy footsteps pound on the floor in the hallway. A man is shouting and cursing. Obviously enraged.
What the f..% is going on?!?!?
I hear a guttural roar. A howling like an angry wolf.
I’m alarmed, yet I muster enough courage to take a peek outside my door to see what’s going on and who is having such a fit.
Oh, how I wish it is St. Nick coming down the chimney, bounding, bringing me my well-deserved gifts!
But it isn’t.
It is my adjacent neighbor pounding on his front door. He is in beast mode alright!
I quickly close my front door waiting — hoping — for the commotion to die down.
But the shouting and cussing, pounding of footsteps, and slamming of the door continue for what seems like forever!
Fear quickly overcomes me. What was initially only nervousness easily escalates to terror!
My pulse races. Head thumps. My chest tightens, and I have difficulty breathing. My hands and toes turn cold.
Thank you, Universe, for no drama, eh?!?!?
Taking Back My Power. Playing Observer Role.
I find out from a security officer that this isn’t the first time that my neighbor exhibited such a disturbing behavior. He may even be into some illegal substances.
Hmmmm….No wonder, eh?
So, my neighbor has a rebellious streak and a history. Well, that’s not very reassuring, eh?
The temptation to quickly spiral down and get trapped in fear is there for the taking.
It’s easy to fall into victim mode and feel helpless and hopeless once more. To allow images of what-had-happened-can-happen-again to overcome me. The what-could-be’s.
Having gone through several traumatic episodes — in childhood, in my adult life, and, as I mentioned earlier, in recent years — it is quite understandable to feel the same fears again. After all, they’re neither baseless nor imagined.
But precisely because I have already gone through such traumatic episodes, I also know how fear can not only be limiting but very paralyzing.
While I’m not denying myself of the experience of fear — lest I fall into the trap of spiritual and human bypassing — I’m not giving in to it either. I’m not allowing fear to overpower me.
Otherwise, I’ll end up making irrational choices and decisions.
I’m not allowing the energy of fear to linger or envelope me. Instead, I’m letting it flow through so it can eventually flow out of my system. This, as I ask all Cosmic Forces to transmute the fear into Love and Compassion.
Violence. Rage. Rebelliousness. Fights. Emotional outbursts. Expletives. Discords.
Oh, these are very familiar energies that have colored my many a Christmas — and non-Christmas — family gathering and celebration.
Responding In and With Love & Compassion. Trusting. Keeping the Faith.
I recount the incident to a friend the following morning on Christmas day.
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Clearly, that’s not the place for you. You should get out of there as soon as you can.”
While I appreciate her concern and compassion, it is evident that she is coming from fear. Irrationally and unnecessarily.
It is so tempting for me to give in to her fear.
Thankfully, I don’t.
I explain to her that I cannot — I mustn’t — allow fear to overpower me.
Neither am I being complacent. I’m not overlooking and ignoring the fact that my neighbor isn’t exactly the safest person in the building.
Long before this incident, I already decided that this place isn’t ‘home’ for me. I have started preparing for and researching on my next adventure and exploration. (More on that in future posts.)
But until such time that I have found the place that I can call ‘home,’ I can only do so much and will do as best I can to keep the faith and keep myself protected, safe, and secure while I’m here.No need to hurry or panic.
I have done that in the past. Rushing and not coming from a space of centeredness was what led me from one tragic and traumatic situation to another and from one ‘dangerous’ environment to the next.
I’m choosing to now respond with and in Love and Compassion. To myself. To others. To the situation.
This, instead of Fear.
And yes, even and including my neighbor.
It is, indeed, St. Nick
I may not have actually seen St. Nick coming down the chimney bearing me gifts.
But it is, indeed, St. Nick who my neighbor ‘personifies.’ St. Nick in disguise.
He is St. Nick delivering me my gifts and blessings in disguise.
My neighbor’s obnoxious behavior reminded me that unpleasant circumstances are unavoidable — even in a place I call ‘home.’
And they are my teachers.
Misfortunes remind me to keep on trusting myself. To trust others while being discerning. To still trust Life in general. To Trust in the Mystery and the Magic. To always Trust the Universe. The Divine Intelligence. To keep the Faith.
This, while keeping my camel tied.
Horrific, tragic, and traumatic events serve not to victimize or paralyze but to strengthen.
To turn us from a victim to a Victor!
Adversities gift me with the opportunity to turn a disrupted and not so quiet Christmas Eve back to a Silent and Serene Season of Light, Renewal, and Restoration.
🕉 🙏🕉 🙏🕉