The most recent situation from which I’m still healing and grieving and which I’ve also shared over the last posts here and here doesn’t involve a lover but a best friend. I’m grateful for Brenda’s article and its timely publication as it talks about how to earn the trust of our partner. It has been quite reassuring and validating as I continue to reflect not only on my recent experience with my ex-friend but all other previous relationships (friendships and all else) that have ended because the trust was broken — be it whether I or the other caused it.
It is so critical that we guard that trust that was given to us — be it by a friend or a lover. In any relationship, restoring that broken trust can be a most challenging — sometimes impossible — feat. I’ve proven this one too many times.
“…as adults we look for our partners to be strong. We want them to handle and even help navigate our big emotions. We want to know our loved one is not going to crumble if we get angry occasionally or cry once in a while. They have strength of character and a steadiness that we can lean on. When we are vulnerable, can they stay strong? Do they have enough personal self-respect and self-esteem to be OK if we are not by their side every second? Can our partner handle us if we do get a little clingy and need reassurance?
…..we need to be able to trust our partner will not use their strength against us. If someone is physically or emotionally stronger than us, we have to trust them to protect our vulnerability. A secure person uses their strength to build rather than destroy.
…A secure person will do their best to not let their partner down. A secure person will also be able to handle if their partner occasionally makes a mistake and has to disappoint them. Consistency is key. We do our best even when we are stressed….No one is perfect. We all have bad days and unexpected issues arise. Aim for an 80% success rate. Studies show that is enough to give others a sense of security.
….Being reassuring means coming from a team or “we” perspective. Our partner has our back and we have theirs. We will tackle obstacles together. We will share joy and excitement together. When a partner is down the other one makes it her job to respond with care appropriate to the partner’s needs, not her own.” © 2017 Brenda Knowles of space2live
Click here to read the article in full.
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