I was able to express myself more openly and more freely. Our friendship allowed me to do that — practice overcoming my fear of rejection and expressing myself without hesitation.
And for that, I’m most grateful.
Every time my friend did something which I found offensive, I’d bring it to her attention. She would acknowledge her wrongdoing and apologize.
But she would wait for me to take the initiative of pointing out her wrongdoing.
It’s not that she wasn’t aware of it or was in denial. She knew exactly what she did wrong — and at the precise time that she committed the offense. She would later admit it, but she just has this habit of waiting for me to make the first move and bring it up in our conversation.
The first time it happened, I readily forgave her and let it go.
Then it happened again.
And then again.
Ahhhh…..It was a pattern. A pattern I saw quite clearly.
Can I live with it? Am I willing to put up with such a pattern? Am I willing to overlook it, taking into consideration her other ‘positive’ traits? Or will I be settling for less — again?
The energy of fear was visibly behind her pattern. Fear of speaking up.
She and I have similar lessons. That made it much easier for me to see the pattern and what’s behind it which I had pointed out to her at the onset.
We may have similar lessons, but one huge difference is I had taken steps towards overcoming my fear of speaking up. She hasn’t. She hasn’t even begun to scratch the surface.
And it isn’t only with transcending this habit. Between the two of us, I am the one who has been much further along the ascension path. No condescendence or arrogance there. It is a fact. A fact which she acknowledges.
And I began to feel even more how that — the gap in our states of consciousness and stages of ascension — was taking its toll on me. More than ever.
It was draining me — to have to be the one to constantly point it out to her. To be her teacher. Guide. Mentor. Being the more skilled, more mature, more evolved is translating to me having to be the one doing the giving and her, the taking. The taking on her part may be unintentional, but the imbalance in the exchange of our energies was getting more and more difficult for me to turn a blind eye on.
I certainly can extend compassion and empathize with her. There’s no question about that — especially as I’ve been in that crippling space, too, of not being able to speak my truth.
But I wasn’t willing to play the role of being the one to always remind her of a habit which needs attention and correction — just because I’m the one who has earlier on learned to overcome my own fear of rejection and of speaking up.
She needs to get to that space, too — of being able to speak her truth. And she will — if and when she chooses to. Until such time, though, I just wasn’t willing to be at the receiving end of her less than skilled ways. And I wasn’t willing to — and didn’t find any fulfillment in — playing the counselor role.
Increasing her self-awareness isn’t anyone else’s duty, obligation or responsibility except hers and hers alone. Enough of the caretaking and rescuing.
And I wasn’t willing to overlook her pattern if only for the sake of keeping a friendship. But it was quite tempting to do so — especially since she is the only one with whom I speak the same language. (By ‘language’ I mean both of us being on the path of ascension — a rarity admittedly especially in one’s immediate geographical midst.)
But I could no longer ignore how so much clearer it was becoming to me how much of an imbalance there was in the energies that were playing out in our friendship. It is sure to play out even more if I would allow the friendship to continue — the pattern of me, doing the giving, and the other party, the taking. It has been the energy dynamics in the majority, if not all of my interactions and relationships. Enough.
She has her pattern to overcome, and so do I. Friends — even lovers or other mates — can certainly be there to provide support and encouragement.
But how one moves further along their journey and ensuring that the dysfunctional behavioral patterns are transcended and replaced with empowering ones rests solely with the individual — not with their mate, partner, or friend.
Of course, breaking habits doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. It takes diligence. Dedication. Discipline. Courage. Self-responsibility. Humility.
And there are sure to be slip-ups. And we need a support system.
Again, friends can be there to encourage and support us especially when we falter.
But at the end of it all, it is a personal responsibility.
We mustn’t expect others to call our behavior and bring it to our attention each time. Once we’ve become aware of a limiting pattern, it is our duty to take steps towards overcoming and transcending it. It also isn’t fair that we take out our frustrations or inner conflicts and unresolved issues on our loved ones and friends or make them the basket case of the unhealed and fragmented parts of ourselves.
And if and when we have our moments of blunder, it is imperative that we practice the art and skill of a proper apology. We cannot — and mustn’t — take our friends and loved ones’ feelings for granted.
And it was the lack of a sincere apology from her that broke the proverbial camel’s back for me. Painful and scary as it is to lose a friend, I need to love myself.
No more rescuing. No more settling for less. Enough. That’s of the Old Energy.
In and with the New Energy, I choose to surround myself with only those who love, honor, and respect me — even if that means, even if that translates to losing the only friend I have.
⭐ ❤ 😀 ❤ ⭐