I went back and forth with what and how much I was going to share about how I felt betrayed by a close friend last year. The only friend I had for that matter.
I went through several drafts. Each one left me feeling dissatisfied. Not quite right. Not quite complete. (It is also why I haven’t posted in a while.)
This morning, I was led to re-read Maria Chamber’s post (Soulsoothingsound’s Blog For those awakening divine humans), “Is It Time to Express? Is It Time To Share?” And I’m so grateful for the nudge!
I realized how much I was gagging myself. I wasn’t aligning my energies with the Flow. I wasn’t going with the Flow.
I was concerned about others more than myself.
I was concerned about her. How will she feel if she reads my post/s?
I was concerned about you, the readers. Will you feel bored or burdened by the details? How much of those details are essential?
Must I talk about them here on this site or must I just write her a letter instead? Or must I feel content with keeping my thoughts and feelings in my journal?
Underneath this uncertainty is evidently my deep and unmet childhood need for approval.
Sharing the Gifts. Sharing my Light.
I’ve had internal shifts. Huge shifts. I’ve gained many insights. Realizations. Deep meanings were revealed. I’m breaking patterns as a result of the incident. Deep layers of healing have been taking place. Even as I’m writing this post, I’m gaining even more clarity. The Universe continues to download messages.
Little did I know when the incident happened last year how profound and expansive will the healing be that would take place. How it would result in a much more expanded perception and increased awareness.
All those are too significant to be kept private. They certainly merit a larger audience.
And that was one of my many realizations.
Keeping to myself all the clarity that I gained and the healing that has taken place was limiting the expression of my Light.
How could I, why must I limit it when there are others who would and could benefit? Many others who are willing, ready, and open to receive my Light — with much gratitude and appreciation. Many others other than her.
Keeping all my aha moments to myself or sharing them only with her — if I were to simply write her a letter instead of blogging — will deny other more willing and more receptive, perhaps even more deserving souls of the gift. The ones who truly and deeply value me, my Light — you, the readers and followers.
Why bother expressing my thoughts, feelings, and sentiments to her and only her — and expend any more energy than I already have and any more energy than necessary — when she has clearly shown how little value she has given to me? I will only be perpetuating the pattern of me being the giver and the other, she, the taker. It is an energy dynamics that has played out in most, if not all of my relationships and interactions. (Yup. Rescuing tendency….) That, among others, was brought to the surface as I reflected on our falling out.
Plus, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just venting and spewing out my hurts and pain unnecessarily on this site — without diligence and without due respect to the readers.
Betrayal….What Does It Really Mean?
I don’t know about you, but up until I looked up the definition of betrayal in line with writing this post, I had always equated betrayal with cheating, lying, backstabbing, talking behind another’s back, being disloyal. That was my limited view of betrayal.
But betrayal also means “to prove false, to fail or desert especially in time of need.” This, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
And in whatever form betrayal takes, it is about destroying and losing someone’s trust.
Between friends, there is an underlying understanding that they will be there for each other. That understanding need not be articulated. It’s a given. It comes with the territory of friendship. You trust that your friend has your back. You trust that your friend will be there in good times and in bad.
It is so easy and effortless to be loving and kind when things are going well in our lives. It is so easy to be a friend when things are running smoothly in our friendship. It’s easy to be happy for our friend when their life is on a smooth sail. It’s easy to be there for them when things are flowing in their lives.
But challenges are inevitable. In life. In friendships. In any and all relationships.
I’ve long believed that one’s true character is revealed when money is involved; likewise, we discover who our real friends are when we are at the lowest points in our lives.
Our kindness and capacity to love and to be loving are put to the test when our friend’s life becomes chaotic. Are we as supportive and as available as when their lives are in disarray?
The betrayal that I experienced from my friend didn’t involve any form of cheating or lying, etc. I didn’t realize until now that I was, in truth, betrayed when she failed to be there when I needed her the most. I was betrayed when she wasn’t there during a most challenging phase that I was going through a year ago. I really thought I could count on her in times of need. (Isn’t that what being a ‘friend’ means?)
But I proved myself wrong. She proved me wrong. She proved to me how untrue of a friend she was.
Our falling out happened at just about this same time a year ago.
But I’m only now beginning the process of grieving as it wasn’t until last month when completion started to take place when she and I met and talked about the incident. It was only then that I became much clearer about her, about our friendship.
And that conversation last month paved the way for more layers to be peeled.
I spent the past several weeks taking a step back, reflecting and journaling about this episode. It’s only now that it’s dawning on me how big of a loss this has been for me. That I mustn’t disregard it or treat it lightly. That I must mourn the loss — this and all the other losses, significant losses that I experienced over the past eighteen months. That I hadn’t given myself the opportunity to properly grieve over them.
And this post — and others that are sure to come after this — is one way of giving myself permission to do just that — to have the space to properly grieve.
⭐ ❤ 😀 ❤ ⭐