Loss Of Interest In People’s Problems & Dramas — Rescuing No More

Why are they not confiding in me? Why am I not the go-to person when they need guidance and counselling?

I used to ask myself those questions when I felt so envious that my high school friends would choose someone else instead of me to confide in. Someone whom we’ve all looked up to even back in our high school days. Someone more responsible, mature and wiser amongst us. She was the default guidance counsellor in our batch.

Many of us looked up to her. Admired her. Respected her.

And I so wanted to be like her. To be liked. To also be looked up to and given high regard.

I wanted my friends to also confide in me. I wanted them to consult with me and come to me for advice.

But it proved to be such an elusive aspiration. It didn’t see fruition — for the ‘right’ reasons, I find out much later on, as I delved deeper into my inner work.

Am I Not Good Enough?

At the peak of my IT career in 1998, I had a wake-up call due to an illness which started my healing journey. I gained so much clarity about myself and my issues. I became aware of my dysfunctional and destructive habits and patterns. I began to make conscious and wiser choices.

I thought that with the insights and wisdom that I gained, a lot of my friends would seek my counsel and guidance.

But it didn’t happen — much to my disappointment.

What am I missing? Where am I lacking? Am I not wise enough? What else must I do (and undo) for my friends to come to me for advice? To gain their approval?

Ahhhh…..

My self-worth was evidently anchored in external measurements. Outside validation.

Despite the deep and intense inner child work that I had undertaken and having already become aware of my unmet childhood developmental needs, I continued to rely heavily and solely upon external means to fulfill my need for approval and admiration.

A Magnet for Lost Souls

Over the years, I continued focusing on healing myself.

I continued my quest. For Truth. For Love. The Way.

In 2010, I began my search creation process for my geographical island home in the Philippines, my country of origin. Yet another elusive dream.

The island that would welcome me ‘home’ and I haven’t crossed paths yet. My travel adventures which included numerous misadventures brought me to many places — inner and outer.

During my explorations, I encountered attracted a lot of lost souls. Those who’d feel comfortable with me even during our first meeting. Comfortable enough for them to tell me their life stories. Their heartaches and pains.

Each conversation ended with them feeling much better. Relieved.  Unburdened.

And each conversation ended with me feeling fulfilled. ‘Full’ and ‘filled up.’

My friends — who have since vanished from my life — may not have confided or counselled with me. But there were many others — mostly strangers — who have.

And that was enough — more than enough — to make me feel fulfilled. Mission accomplished!

Or so I thought.

The feeling of fulfillment would be there at the end of each encounter and conversation.

But as soon as I’m by myself, in my solitary moments, something still felt incomplete. Lacking. Missing. Something felt off.

There was still a void. A feeling of emptiness. Of misalignment.

Further inquiry led me to my rescuing tendency. How deeply ingrained it is in my system.

I became so much more aware how that was what was motivating me to want to ‘help’ others heal and ‘be of service.’ Why I wanted others to come to me for guidance and counselling. Why I wanted to become a healing practitioner and set up a healing center — a long-held dream which, thankfully, did not materialize because I was apparently creating from a space of lack.

Aha!

Pandora’s box opened.

No More Dramas

I became even more aware of how much drama there was in my life — others’ and my own (beginning with my family of origin).

I realized how I ‘thrived’ in the dramas. How I, subconsciously, was seeking it. Why I was attracting the ‘lost souls’ and the ‘poor me’s’ with their victim stories.

The more dramatic and tragic their stories are, the more motivated I was to help. To offer my wisdom and give them advice. To come to their rescue, yikes! 😮

Nowadays, I am repulsed by dramas. They’ve lost their appeal, thankfully! 🙂 Especially dramas of other people.

I cannot even imagine myself listening to someone pour their hearts out to me — especially if all they want is to vent without any intention of moving out of victim mode. Not a few have the desire to remain in their misery, albeit unconsciously. They want to stay stuck in their agony; they want to feed the drama.

As soon as I sense such energy dynamics about to play out, I quickly feel my energies drop. My defenses rise up effortlessly. Almost instantaneously.

And I can only patiently and compassionately listen — if at all — for a few minutes. I’ve lost all desire to pull them out of such a situation. All I want is to quickly get away from such interactions.

So unlike in my younger, unaware, unawakened years.

And the loss of interest isn’t because I don’t care.

Oh, I do.

I do care for the well-being of others. Knowing so well the difficulty of being in the midst of confusion and chaos, I most certainly want to see those who are suffering to be unburdened.

But I also now know that sometimes, people need to go through stressful situations as part of their growth process. Those situations are gifting them with the skills that they have yet to develop or master. Those challenges are leading them back to themselves — to their inner reserves — instead of relying on others to get them out of their rut.

That is if they so choose to go the self-mastery route over victimhood and misery.

And because I now know this, I no longer feel excited about being the one to whom people would run for guidance on their problems and challenges.

I have been a dumping site for others’ problems which I mistakenly saw as my mission. That I was ‘being of service’ when I make myself available and allow others to pour their hearts out to me — even when there’s no indication on their part to want to find a solution and move through and get out of their agony.

I no longer see it as my mission to ‘help’ others in that way.

I no longer want to be their rescuer and enabler.

I’m more mindful now that I take care of myself first and foremost — by setting energetic boundaries especially with those who are not looking out for themselves but are just on the lookout for where to dump their sad stories.

This, as I honor them for where they are in their journey and bless and thank them for gifting me with the opportunity to practice self-love.

⭐ ❤ 😀 ❤ ⭐

Copyright © 2011-2017 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing, where I share my thoughts and reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥
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6 Responses to Loss Of Interest In People’s Problems & Dramas — Rescuing No More

  1. Karin says:

    Thanks for sharing your journey here in such honesty.
    I think this posting would be great contribution to Barbara’s guest blogging feature around the topic of compassion:
    http://memymagnificentself.com/2017/01/16/want-appear-guest-blogger/

    Maybe you would like to contact her? I think she is still looking for contributions.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. candidkay says:

    You’ve made me feel a bit better about something that’s been bothering me. I am a good listener/cheerleader/supporter for awhile. But, at a certain point, I feel myself withdraw if no action is intended on your part. I used to think that was me being less than sympathetic. I now realize it is me not being willing to cross the line from friend to enabler. Thanks:).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dee says:

    NadineMarie, thank you so much for sharing this post. I resonated very much with it on many levels.

    I used to be the go-to person. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

    For almost 36 years, even since a child, people would confide in me. I was used to this and welcomed it, although between the ages of 7 years old until 36, I didn’t understand why. Initially, I realized as a child, I just accepted it and thought nothing more of it until years later.

    Eventually, in school, during my early teens, I became known as “Little Mama”. As I got older, I had tons of friends and lots of nice aquaintences. It felt really good, but I also felt lacking in my own life. I didn’t know why.

    My spiritual “leanings” eventually led me to a new group of “religious”. I entered and life was wonderful…for two weeks. The very short story is that I finally was able to escape from there after 5 years (it was a remote community). When I arrived home, I also brought with me Complex PTSD. I got the help I needed, but my friends, all but one, and all of my many “nice” aquaintences took off. A few of them I had to let go of because I realized I was just their dumping ground and with my own un-integrated pain I just couldn’t be present for them like I used to be. But most of them fled the scene in any case.

    I was now damaged goods and no longer to be sought out. I had become just like them. (I don’t mean that to sound “conceited”. It’s just what came to be realized after a few years of therapy, etc.). In any case, now we were all in the same boat now and it hurt for them to have their former “cheerleader” just as cheerless as they felt. In fact, it had really scared some of them. I had hoped it would have been an opportunity for mutual understanding of being together on this journey of oftentimes tough human existence, but, alas, not so.

    It took me many years to work this through, especially after I realized that I really treasured my former role of being trusted by people. I had come to realize that it was such an ingrained part of my identity and yes, it also made me feel special. I also realized eventually that there was nothing wrong with wanting to feel special, but that that needn’t be the driving force in my life.

    After more years of therapy and catching myself getting caught up in the dramas of family members, I’d realized that in order for me to progress, and for them to progress too, that I finally had to let go of trying to be the rescuer. I hadn’t realized I was doing that for many years EVEN after my return home. Since all but one friend was left, I hadn’t noticed it much. However, my family stuck by me when I got home, so I think I felt I owed it to them. In any case, I’d realized I was still carrying this need to rescue, to be special, etc.

    When I finally realized it was okay to let go of involving myself in different family members dramas, it was both a huge burdened lifted but also an uncovering of a huge amount of guilt. Who was I to want to have my own life and to be happy when others were “drowning”. “I’m not allowed to be happy when they’re not.”. Also I wondered: “Was I now doing to them what I felt some of my former friends and acquaintences did with me after returning home?”

    It took me a while to sort things out for myself. In the end I had come to realize that we’re all just trying to make our way in this sometimes pretty tough human existence. I also am coming to realize that it’s okay to take care of myself. I am also coming to be okay with not wanting to be in the middle of others dramas. Your post was a huge confirmation.

    Thank you so much!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Dee, for sharing your journey and experiences. PTSD and all. That was a lot!!! Good for you that you were able to get out of that community (sounds like a cult…) And I’m sorry to hear that many of your so-called friends and acquaintances have let you down. I, too, can so relate as I’ve had my fair share of those. It is heart-breaking. How true that it is when we are at our lowest that we prove who are friends truly are.

      I like what you said that “there was nothing wrong with wanting to feel special, but that that needn’t be the driving force in my life.” Indeed. And we are all special in our unique ways!

      I’m truly grateful that this post served as a confirmation, Dee. Yes, it is ok, so ok to take care of ourselves. In fact, it’s essential. Non-negotiable. It’s not only ok. It’s a MUST.

      Thanks again for sharing. May your Light continue to shine at its brightest, and Brightest Blessings to you Beautiful Soul Sister! ⭐ ❤ 😀 ❤ ⭐ Namaste.

      Like

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