We all say things that we don’t mean. We all say things that we later regret. Things we could have put off for another time, a more opportune time. There are things, too, that are better left unsaid.
After all, not all of what we think and feel need to be shared and articulated. Not at the very moment that we are having such thoughts and feelings, at least — especially if doing so will only cause harm and pain. Pain that’s unnecessary. Pain that’s uncalled for. Even more so, when the very intention of speaking up is to hurt back just because we were hurt by the other.
Such moments wouldn’t happen if we only practice self-restraint. If we only hold our tongue. If we are only more mindful. More tactful. More centered and grounded. If we only choose our Divine Consciousness to lead us rather than our broken and wounded selves.
If my ‘friend’ only did the above….
If she only practiced a little diplomacy. A little bit more sensitivity and consideration for my feelings and situation most especially with my prolonged ordeal that she was very much aware of and knowledgeable about.
If she only practiced a little more compassion.
If she only honored and acknowledged first the difficulty of what I was going through, the pain and sadness that I was feeling for the growing ‘distance’ between us that I had been sensing… If she only did this before quickly going into defensive mode — a very normal response, though, I must add — especially from one caught off-guard.
If she only didn’t justify or stand by what she said especially after I explained to her why I felt that what she said was inappropriate and ill-timed.
If she only took back what she said — be it immediately after or later, even much later — after she had reflected upon our conversation and came to her better senses and judgment.
If she only extended a genuine apology. One that’s truly from the heart. One that’s sincere. Authentic. Not one that’s ‘scripted’ and well thought of. Not one that’s very cerebral and too ‘proper’ that it comes across as too impersonal. Formal. Stiff. Artificial. Contrived.
I Was Mistaken….
With all the unpleasant things going on in my life that I talked about in my previous post, I found solace in the thought that there’s someone to whom I could run and lean on. Someone, the only one, close to me — literally and otherwise. Someone who’ll be there for me through thick and thin. Someone on whom I can rely. Someone who’s got my back.
You know, a friend.
Turns out, I was mistaken.
Apparently, she and I have different definitions of friendship and what a friend is. Different perceptions of the kind of ‘friendship’ we shared.
It became evident to me — much to my disappointment, naturally — that what I thought and presumed was the level, depth, and kind of ‘friendship’ between us was not consistent with what she had in mind.
But such is Life. Such is the Human Interaction.
More Growth Opportunities
Conflicts. Misunderstandings. Miscommunications.
These are inevitable in relationships — be it love, familial, friendships.
And conflicts are a rich source of growth opportunities. Opportunities for us to hone our skills. Our relationship skills. Relationship with the other and with ourselves.
Such relationship humps offer us opportunities to know ourselves more. To re-examine our values. Re-evaluate our beliefs.
And implement changes — when and where necessary.
Make changes both in our values, principles, and belief systems, as well as the dynamics of the relationship itself.
Perhaps, it may lead to a deepening of the relationship.
On the other hand, it may be a call for the end of the friendship especially when what took place is a deal-breaker. Perhaps, the friendship has reached its expiration date and has already served its purpose.
In my 54 years of earthly life in this lifetime, I have not felt so let down and dejected.
By a “friend” at that. 😮
I was already so miserable particularly with my living condition and how far away I felt she was from me.
But I felt even more miserable after the hurtful things that she said and especially after having bared my heart and soul to her. After having shared how alone I felt in my agony. How helpless and hopeless I was feeling.
You know, just as you normally would to a ‘friend.’
That dreadful conversation took place a month ago. It left me devastated. Crushed.
I was depressed after. Even more so than I already was.
And I felt alone. So alone. And I mean, A-L-O-N-E. 😮 😮 😮
What she said and her lack of remorse after that easily pushed me away. And there’s just no way that I’m going to beg for someone to love me or be my ‘friend.’ Even if they’re the only ‘friend’ that I have.
Time & Space For Healing, Grieving & Forgiving
To this day, the pain remains. 😦
The pain may no longer be as intense, thankfully, but that conversation will linger in my system for a long, long time.
I know that the memory will stay much longer than how long I had known her. Maybe forever etched.
I’m not being resentful. I don’t mean to hold grudges. I’m not choosing to be unforgiving with what I said.
I’m only being truthful and real. Thinking otherwise, opting to believe otherwise will only delay my process of healing.
After all, when we omit the essential steps in the healing process by telling ourselves to look immediately at the bigger picture and higher purpose without first acknowledging and honoring the pain, we are, in fact, prolonging our agony and recovery. Just as proponents of feigned positivity and humanism bypassing are wont to do. I, too, admittedly, fell into this trap.
It was only in recent years that I came to my senses and realized how superficial and ineffective my healing process was because I was misguided by such false and limiting teachings.
No matter how seemingly ‘ugly’ or ‘negative’ our experience and state of being is, it is imperative that we give ourselves the time and space to be with the experience, then later, move through and beyond it.
We need first to be with the pain before we can rise above it. Instead of going around it, avoiding and denying ourselves of the experience, we need to welcome it wholeheartedly. We must do this rather than pretend how upbeat and ‘positive’ we feel when we are, in fact, anything but optimistic and hopeful. Rejecting, instead of embracing and integrating our gloomy, ‘dark,’ and ‘negative’ experiences and emotions only deepens the wound that becomes part of our unconscious material that’s sure to haunt us later when we’re triggered.
We need to give ourselves the time and permission — no matter how long it takes. And no matter what that process looks like as the process and duration is unique to every individual.
And I’m just so grateful that I was able to take a respite and get out of the city, the chaos and the frenzy, and spend some time now in my habitat — the seaside. What a most suitable healing environment! 🙂
I may not be able to mend this broken friendship, but I intend to mend my broken heart. Thankfully, with and through the outpouring love and support from Mother Ocean!
😀 ❤ ⭐ ❤ 😀