It was so tempting to engage in the ‘battle of the wounded selves.’ She was triggering so many of my issues. Deep wounds.
She was pushing my buttons. Pushing me to my limits.
Insecurities quickly and easily rose to the surface. Hers and mine.
When I’m being intimidated, my mother and father wounds come up instantly. I feel threatened. I tense up.
Those of us raised in abusive families and dysfunctional home environments, have boundary setting as a life-long lesson. The skill of self-assertion. We move through the continuum of the extreme ends of passivity to aggression with assertion being the healthy middle ground to aim for. A skill that I’m still mastering and sharpening.
The Source Of My Restlessness
As I shared in a previous post, it became evident to me what the source of my restlessness was. Why something just didn’t feel right.
I was doubting if I was making the ‘right’ decision about my choice of a home base. And it became apparent that I was being forewarned that there would be a delay in my move-in date.
But it wasn’t just that.
What made it more taxing was the power struggle between the property manager and me!
Intimidating energies are the most challenging for me to deal with. Only in December, another layer of healing of my father wound was peeled away from my encounter with the resort owner in Antique who had a similar energy of intimidation.
Now, I’m peeling away another layer of healing my mother wound with this confrontation with the equally intimidating property manager, whew!
Between the two wounds, I have come a long way in healing my father wound. My mother wound, on the other hand, goes much deeper.
Did I Assert Myself Enough?
After that exhausting power struggle last week, I went through the process of doubting and berating myself — again! — if I responded the way I should have.
Did I assert myself enough? Did I allow her to intimidate me? Did I, out of fear, give permission to her to treat me disrespectfully?
My dear friend was there during that encounter. I asked her to join us. I already sensed that there was going to be such a struggle. I needed my friend to be there — for me. Not for her to meddle or defend me but to ‘balance’ the energies.
And I’m so glad that I asked my friend to be there. I’m thankful that I followed my inner prompting. My friend’s presence neutralized the heat of the moment. (My friend was the one who recommended the property to me. Hence, her ‘legitimate’ involvement.)
Earlier on, I had already told my friend that I felt that the property manager was dismissing me. But she didn’t sense or perceive it as such.
After this encounter, though, she had a better appreciation of where I was coming from as the energy of envy from this woman visibly revealed itself. My friend concurred with my observations and what I had sensed.
Celebrating Other People’s Successes & Blessings
When we are happy and content, it is easy for us to celebrate other people’s happiness and success. It’s organic. Praising and congratulating them is effortless. It is genuine and sincere. We’re generous with our compliments that come only from the heart.
When we’re miserable and insecure, when we feel a lack in our lives, we desire what other people have. We want their blessings. We don’t even want them to partake of such. We even doubt if they’re deserving of such gifts.
We think of ways to make others feel less than themselves or less than we are. That’s our only way of making ourselves feel good about ourselves — at the expense of others. We hold back on our applause for others’ blessings.
Just as how the property manager treated me.
As I said, I was being triggered. And it was so tempting to match her energy with the same energies of aggression and intimidation!
Admittedly, there was that one moment when I did. Thankfully, I was able to quickly hold my reins.
There are times when we must ‘face the enemy.’ There are times, though, when it’s best to retreat. Not because we are weak or a coward. Not out of defeat.
On the contrary, it takes a lot of Courage, Strength, and Grace to say, “I’m not choosing this battle.”
Being Affected and Influenced
As I reflected more, it also dawned on me where that feeling of doubt regarding my move was coming from — I was picking from her energies. Her energies of insecurities and envy were affecting and influencing me.
She didn’t want what I was having. She resented that I was so enthusiastic and excited about having the space fixed up to suit my needs. She wasn’t happy for me. She didn’t want to be. She couldn’t. When we’re miserable, it’s impossible for us to be happy for others.
And with this, I was reminded once more of how essential it is to keep myself centered and grounded. Of cleansing my auric field and keeping my vibrational frequency as high as I possibly can. Of releasing and transmuting limiting beliefs and thought patterns. Those that make me prone to attracting similar low vibrating thoughts and energies.
I’m also taking steps towards Forgiveness.
To be Kind, Loving and Gentle towards my hurting little Nadine.
And to be the same towards the property manager — or anyone else for that matter, especially when they’re being driven by their Wounded Selves. To release the hurt, resentment and anger — from this encounter as well as other past hurtful experiences and conflicts.
I’m likewise reminded of the importance of coming from a Compassionate Observer Consciousness instead of getting pulled into the drama and the turmoil. To focus on Love and not succumb to Fear.
And I’m choosing to be thankful for the healing and clearing that’s taking place.
To be renewed. To start fresh as I embark on this new chapter in my journey. As I glide through my fears and uncertainties, and face the Unknown with Courage, with Graciousness and Gratefulness for all the Blessings and Miracles — even those, especially those that are in disguise.
Great Spirit, bestow upon me the Gift of Discernment to know what’s “real” and what’s an “illusion.” In all Humility, thank you for sending me my much-needed teachers and catalysts — even if they come in unexpected or even unwelcome packages.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀