There’s more to me feeling restless and hesitant that I shared in my previous post.
You see, I already had a similar nagging feeling of doubt and hesitation several months ago when I had just decided on Antique as my next island destination.
I haven’t come around to sharing it on this site yet, but while my ordeal in Antique certainly wasn’t quite what I expected or anticipated, it didn’t come as a total surprise to me.
I had that nagging thought and feeling warning me about my travel there.
I felt it immediately after I first met the owner of the cottage where I was supposed to stay. You know, the one who didn’t fix it up as per our agreement. A negligence that led to a most traumatic experience and tragic chapter in my journey, including and especially being ‘homeless.’
I had that feeling since July 2015 when I first met her. I confided to a dear friend that I felt that I was paying more than what I ought to. I felt shortchanged.
My well-intentioned friend, though, corrected my ‘misperception.’ She assured me that I was, in fact, getting a good deal.
I let it go. I cast aside the feeling.
However, when I returned to my then haven Sugar Beach to recharge and prepare for my eventual trip to Antique, that voice of doubt persisted. It was consistent. It didn’t matter if I was well-balanced or out of sorts while I was at Sugar Beach.
It. Was. There.
But that feeling of hesitation lingered.
Is It My Inner Critic?
I concluded that it was my Inner Critic. I’m not used to leaving a place and travelling to a new one in a state of Peace, Calm, Ease and Grace. It is a new pattern that I had just created. I’ve been so used to the drama. To the frills and the shrills. The stress.
So, to leave a place quietly and head out sans drama is new to me. I’m self-sabotaging, I thought to myself.
Or was I, in fact, just convincing myself?
In hindsight, might my conclusion simply be my attempt to cushion and pacify my anxiousness?
During the four-hour road travel to Antique, though, there was still that same thought and feeling.
I told the same friend that I wish I’d prove myself wrong. How I wish it is only my Inner Critic and self-sabotaging tendency preventing me from experiencing a Life of Joy, Ease & Grace.
Lo and behold, as I shared in previous posts, the warning, my hesitation, my fear and worries proved to not be unfounded! Quite accurate, in fact! 😮
Hesitating. Doubting. Questioning…..Again!
And here I am again with a similar feeling of reluctance. Here I am again hesitating. Doubting. Questioning.
Quite understandably, given what I went through in Antique, I’m now feeling anxious that a similar ‘tragedy’ will happen.
And I had hoped that my fearful thought is only because I haven’t fully healed and recovered. That when I’m more settled in my new home, I’d be much more Joy-filled and optimistic. Enthusiastic and Spirited.
I had hoped that I’m going haywire largely only because I’d be residing in the city — instead of at the seaside. It would mean a significant change in my lifestyle and surrounding!
One thing I do know, though, is that part of my resistance is the unplanned expenses that I’ve been incurring. Add to that, I’m spending to fix up a home that’s not along the seaside! 😦
If it is a cottage by the sea, oh I can only imagine how much enthusiasm would be oozing out of my system. It would probably be such a challenge to contain myself from the excitement and joy in fixing it up!
As I said in my previous post, though, “I may be creating my home in an urban setting instead of along the seaside. I do know, though, that this is, right now, the most sensible step and rightful place for me. For now.”
And after the ordeal that I went through in Antique, I certainly hope that my rough sailing days are now behind me. That I will now be experiencing the Calm after the Storm.
One day after I published my previous post, the source of my restlessness and hesitation revealed itself.
There would be a delay in my move-in date!!!
Believe it or not, I’m experiencing a similar let-down in Antique! It isn’t as bad, thankfully.
But they’re uncannily very similar!!!!
The repair work wasn’t completed as per our agreement. Again! Similar to what happened in Antique! 😮 This time, though, much of the work has been done. Just not to the agreed deadline. 😦
The manager of the residential establishment is pointing the blame and responsibility solely on the maintenance personnel — again! Not any different from the response of the owner of the cottage in Antique! 😮
Also, and this is going to sound creepy.
She has the same first name as the owner of the cottage in Antique, yikes! Same first name with the same nickname, yikes again! They even have the same initials, yikes even more! 😮
However, this time, I had our arrangement in a written form. Otherwise, that would have been the most humongous yikes again! 😉 Of course, we all know that a written agreement doesn’t automatically equate to the fulfillment of the commitment — as this situation has shown.
But whoa! What an opportunity for Self-assertion, Boundary-setting and Loving myself — for the nth time, whew! My most significant learning opportunities in this lifetime. My Self-mastery lessons.
I haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of the learning opportunity in Antique not too long ago. Already, another similarly draining and exhausting interaction — although not traumatic, thankfully and indeed deeply healing and transformative — has shown up. The healing and transmuting of my core wounds, more particularly my mother wound.
More is being revealed as more is being healed and cleared, whew!
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀