I’m in the midst of a significant change in my life.
One that I didn’t plan.
And one that I didn’t want.
But as with anything in Life, we go through what we need to go through, what our Soul needs — and orchestrates — for our growth and evolution.
Why Soul, why? 😉
Yet, another f@%king growth opportunity, eh? 😉
I suddenly found myself having to re-think my living situation and options.
What now? Where? How?
I was supposed to establish residency in Antique, a place to where I was, ironically, magically led! I had all my stuff — all 40+ boxes (!) shipped out. I even neatly, carefully, and mindfully packed them. Not haphazardly the way I did in all my previous travels. I made sure of that.
I also even made sure that I arrived first at a point of Closure and Completion before I headed out. I didn’t want to repeat my pattern of leaving a place with so much emotional baggage or unfinished business.
And when I was at that point of Completion, when it felt the most fitting time for me to leave, I left. I left Sugar Beach with nothing but Gratitude and Appreciation, in fact.
I was ready. So ready to start a new chapter in my next oasis in the seaside.
Or so I thought.
Turns out, all those preparations seemed to have been a futile exercise. Of course, I know they weren’t wasted. All the preparations did serve a higher purpose — even if the outcome wasn’t how I envisioned or wanted it to be. And even if that higher purpose is still making itself known as I’m writing this.
After a horrific 21-day ordeal, I left Antique distressed and exhausted. Sleep-deprived. Out of whack. 😮
It took me just about the same amount of time — 21 days — to de-stress. And I haven’t quite fully recovered yet. I’m not quite in my element yet.
But I’m getting there. I’m almost there. And I know I will get there. I have, by now, gotten over the hump and on my way uphill, thankfully! 🙂
So, what happened in Antique?
Homeless. Helpless. Hopeless.
I’ve gone back and forth with whether or not I was going to share the details of my ordeal. Each time I’d sit in front of my laptop, I’d feel stuck. And as has been the formula that worked for me, when Inspiration isn’t there, I don’t force myself to write. Hence, my blogging lull.
Having said that, this much I’ll say.
The owner of the cottage where I was supposed to live didn’t fulfill her end of the bargain of having it fixed rendering me homeless.
Its rundown condition was no different from when I first visited it. The cottage was anything but livable! It wasn’t even properly cleaned, yikes! 😮
My sense of safety, comfort and security were quickly pulled from under my feet! My basic human right for shelter was deprived of me! 😮
Not only that, to my horror, the owner didn’t even extend any compassion towards me — not even a fake one. Nada. No care, no concern for my predicament.
To top it all, she didn’t show any sign of remorse. No ownership or sense of responsibility. She was even quick to blame other people for her irresponsibilities and transgressions.
Oh, I sure had moments when I felt so hopeless and helpless finding myself in the most uncomfortable and miserable living conditions! 😮
It Could Very Much Be A Horror Movie Setting
There’s a storm. Two actually. One after the other.
I’m all by myself in the rundown cottage in a remote location. It sits on a private property in the seaside with no nearby neighbors.
It would have been the ideal setting for me. It was, in fact, why I was drawn to it.
The roof is leaking. The entire roof!
When we repositioned the bed earlier in the day, two legs of the bed fell through the brittle wooden flooring leaving two big holes on the floor! I had to remove the bed frame and vintage working table from the room as I wasn’t sure how much weight the room could withstand without it falling apart! 😮
It is almost midnight. I don’t know anyone else in the area except the owner who lives about a kilometer away and who isn’t even answering her phone!
There’s a caretaker, but he’s in a makeshift room at the farthest end of the property. Too far and unsafe to walk towards it especially with the torrential rains and lightning.
Oh, it sure was scary! What if this cottage gets carried off by the strong wind? It isn’t unlikely considering its dilapidated state.
I was, naturally, sleep-deprived.
All these while I was figuring out what my next steps would be.
Where do I go to next? What will I do with all my stuff? After all, I wasn’t just on a vacation for several days. I was supposed to live there. I didn’t just have a couple of pieces of luggage. I had stuff for a house.
There were other distressing — though healing and transformative — incidents and encounters that were pushing me to my limits! Oh, it was so easy — and justifiable — for me to feel victimized.
And I had those poor me moments — admittedly.
What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? What did I do — or not — that caused all these?
Thankfully, I didn’t allow myself to succumb to the compelling lure of victimhood.
Thankfully, despite the confusion and all the chaos, despite being sleep-deprived, I still had enough Inner Strength to keep myself together.
Oh, but I sure went through stress eating after I left. Big time! You cannot imagine how much bread and cakes I consumed! 😮 Naturally, inches and folds quickly found their way into my mid-section that I’m now determinedly shedding off. 😉
Surrender. Flow. Allow.
So, it’s been an intense time of introspection. Questioning. At times, arguing. Arguing with the Universe as I re-evaluate my living situation and find other more suitable places for me to stay. This, as I also re-examine my Mission and Life Purpose.
Through all these, though, one thing continues to stand out.
The need to Surrender. Full, Total Surrender. To Flow with the energies. To Allow what’s unfolding.
Surrender. Flow. Allow.
And am I able to do that? Surrender to What Is instead of incessantly pining for What Isn’t? Am I able to easily Flow? Am I able to Allow Life to organically reveal itself?
I still find myself resisting the changes and insisting on what I want and questioning why it can’t be so.
And that’s ok.
After all, I’m still not ok.
But if there’s anything that I’m able to surrender to, to flow with, if there’s anything that I’m allowing and giving myself permission to, it is being ok with not being ok.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀