Being Ok With Not Being Ok

I’m in the midst of a significant change in my life.

One that I didn’t plan.

And one that I didn’t want.

But as with anything in Life, we go through what we need to go through, what our Soul needs — and orchestrates — for our growth and evolution.

Why Soul, why?  😉

Yup.

Yet, another f@%king growth opportunity, eh? 😉

I suddenly found myself having to re-think my living situation and options.

What now? Where? How?

I was supposed to establish residency in Antique, a place to where I was, ironically, magically led! I had all my stuff — all 40+ boxes (!)  shipped out. I even neatly, carefully, and mindfully packed them. Not haphazardly the way I did in all my previous travels. I made sure of that.

I also even made sure that I arrived first at a point of Closure and Completion before I headed out. I didn’t want to repeat my pattern of leaving a place with so much emotional baggage or unfinished business.

And when I was at that point of Completion, when it felt the most fitting time for me to leave, I left. I left Sugar Beach with nothing but Gratitude and Appreciation, in fact.

I was ready. So ready to start a new chapter in my next oasis in the seaside.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, all those preparations seemed to have been a futile exercise. Of course, I know they weren’t wasted. All the preparations did serve a higher purpose — even if the outcome wasn’t how I envisioned or wanted it to be. And even if that higher purpose is still making itself known as I’m writing this.

After a horrific 21-day ordeal, I left Antique distressed and exhausted. Sleep-deprived. Out of whack. 😮

It took me just about the same amount of time — 21 days — to de-stress. And I haven’t quite fully recovered yet. I’m not quite in my element yet.

But I’m getting there. I’m almost there. And I know I will get there. I have, by now, gotten over the hump and on my way uphill, thankfully! 🙂

So, what happened in Antique?

Homeless. Helpless. Hopeless.

I’ve gone back and forth with whether or not I was going to share the details of my ordeal. Each time I’d sit in front of my laptop, I’d feel stuck. And as has been the formula that worked for me, when Inspiration isn’t there, I don’t force myself to write. Hence, my blogging lull.

Having said that, this much I’ll say.

The owner of the cottage where I was supposed to live didn’t fulfill her end of the bargain of having it fixed rendering me homeless.

Its rundown condition was no different from when I first visited it. The cottage was anything but livable! It wasn’t even properly cleaned, yikes! 😮

My sense of safety, comfort and security were quickly pulled from under my feet! My basic human right for shelter was deprived of me! 😮

Not only that, to my horror, the owner didn’t even extend any compassion towards me — not even a fake one. Nada. No care, no concern for my predicament.

To top it all, she didn’t show any sign of remorse. No ownership or sense of responsibility. She was even quick to blame other people for her irresponsibilities and transgressions.

Oh, I sure had moments when I felt so hopeless and helpless finding myself in the most uncomfortable and miserable living conditions! 😮

It Could Very Much Be A Horror Movie Setting

Picture this.

There’s a storm. Two actually. One after the other.

I’m all by myself in the rundown cottage in a remote location. It sits on a private property in the seaside with no nearby neighbors.

It would have been the ideal setting for me. It was, in fact, why I was drawn to it.

Except that….

The roof is leaking.  The entire roof!

When we repositioned the bed earlier in the day, two legs of the bed fell through the brittle wooden flooring leaving two big holes on the floor! I had to remove the bed frame and vintage working table from the room as I wasn’t sure how much weight the room could withstand without it falling apart! 😮

It is almost midnight. I don’t know anyone else in the area except the owner who lives about a kilometer away and who isn’t even answering her phone!

There’s a caretaker, but he’s in a makeshift room at the farthest end of the property. Too far and unsafe to walk towards it especially with the torrential rains and lightning.

Oh, it sure was scary! What if this cottage gets carried off by the strong wind? It isn’t unlikely considering its dilapidated state.

I was, naturally, sleep-deprived.

All these while I was figuring out what my next steps would be.

Where do I go to next? What will I do with all my stuff? After all, I wasn’t just on a vacation for several days. I was supposed to live there. I didn’t just have a couple of pieces of luggage. I had stuff for a house.

There were other distressing — though healing and transformative — incidents and encounters that were pushing me to my limits! Oh, it was so easy — and justifiable — for me to feel victimized.

And I had those poor me moments — admittedly.

What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? What did I do — or  not — that caused all these?

Thankfully, I didn’t allow myself to succumb to the compelling lure of victimhood.

Thankfully, despite the confusion and all the chaos, despite being sleep-deprived, I still had enough Inner Strength to keep myself together.

Oh, but I sure went through stress eating after I left. Big time! You cannot imagine how much bread and cakes I consumed! 😮 Naturally, inches and folds quickly found their way into my mid-section that I’m now determinedly shedding off. 😉

Surrender. Flow. Allow.

So, it’s been an intense time of introspection. Questioning. At times, arguing. Arguing with the Universe as I re-evaluate my living situation and find other more suitable places for me to stay. This, as I also re-examine my Mission and Life Purpose.

Through all these, though, one thing continues to stand out.

The need to Surrender. Full, Total Surrender. To Flow with the energies. To Allow what’s unfolding.

Surrender. Flow. Allow.

And am I able to do that? Surrender to What Is instead of incessantly pining for What Isn’t? Am I able to easily Flow? Am I able to Allow Life to organically reveal itself?

Nah.

I still find myself resisting the changes and insisting on what I want and questioning why it can’t be so.

And that’s ok.

After all, I’m still not ok.

But if there’s anything that I’m able to surrender to, to flow with, if there’s anything that I’m allowing and giving myself permission to, it is being ok with not being ok.

😀 😀

Copyright © 2011-2016 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing, where I share my thoughts and reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥
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19 Responses to Being Ok With Not Being Ok

  1. Leslie says:

    There must be an incredibly strong link here, aha moments may really be merely be moments of ‘oh, yeah – sure, whatever’. I won’t ramble, but extend a hand to grasp. Just today, possibly yesterday, I came to the same conclusion.

    Not much is great, but it’s ok. Not much to do about it that feels like not ok. Being not ok, means the healing process is underway. I compare it to the itch of a healing broken bone, or a sutured wound, the itch can drive you mad, but it’s literally the healing.

    It is ok, dear Nadine Marie, it has to be!

    Insert occaisional primal scream.

    Many blessings to you, shine on, but sometimes the light burns dim. It is still there, collecting from your source. I think it has to be ok to turn the light off sometimes. I just hate the dark.

    Like

  2. Suzette says:

    Being OK with not being OK is a tough place to get to when in the middle of upheaval. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re most welcome Suzette! 🙂 Yes, it sure is tough. Thankfully, though, I’m able to get there, and it has strengthened me and my connection to Source!

      Thank you for visiting and spreading your Bright Light here!

      Blessed be Suzette! 😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀

      Like

  3. yogaleigh says:

    So sorry the “magic” place turned out so off. In some ways it sounds similar to the issues at the resort (how the landlady treated you) — I’ve found sometimes when I’ve gone through a learning and letting go like that the Universe likes to send me one last blast to see if I really have changed how I deal with the issue. Sounds like you passed!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Leigh, yes, I know. From Magic to Tragic! I actually thought of that as the title of my post/s….and as I said in an earlier post, it looks like this will be a series of posts — as usual! Still gathering my thoughts…..

      Anyways, indeed Leigh, it is similar, very similar to my previous experiences — and growth opportunities — at the resort/Sugar Beach. Absolutely! You nailed it. It was yet another opportunity that the Universe ‘gifted’ me to see how I’d deal with the same energies this time around There were so many other mini chapters/episodes aside from what I wrote here that served the same purpose of seeing how much I have embodied my learning which are sure to find their way on this site. I tell you Leigh. It was like a crash OJT for me!!!! 😀 Oh but I sure am so proud of myself because yes, I certainly passed it — and with flying colors at that 😀 YAY to me!!! 😀 😀 😀

      Thanks Leigh for the conversation! Much appreciated!

      Connect soon! Blessed be. 😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀

      Like

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  7. Noel says:

    You seem to be a survivor in spite of the circumstances . Sorry it has been so difficult for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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