Breaking Away From Family, Breaking Rescuing Pattern

BreakFreeDramaNegativityHow can I deal with my hurtful family members?

The number one question that Doreen Virtue received after publishing “Assertiveness for Earth Angels, “ a book that I so love! It proved to be such an invaluable gem.

She addresses this in her latest book, “Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama. “

Quite interestingly — and synchronistically — I just finished reading this book, when I decided to go back to a comment that came from a reader a few days ago.

Her comment touched on a ‘sensitive’ topic for me.

No, I wasn’t triggered.

In fact, I’m thankful that coming up with my response to her comment peeled away yet another layer of the healing of my childhood wounds.

It also isn’t a ‘coincidence’ that she sent me her response at this time when I’m looking closely into my rescuer tendency that resulted from the trauma and abuse that I experienced during my childhood.

Her comment to my post entitled, “Releasing Unloving People, Places & Situations,” in part, reads:

“Because I have become better at accepting the transient nature of things, I find myself able to accept these losses and move on with the thought that new people will come in when the time is right. I must say, though, I still experience guilt sometimes when I have the desire to distance myself from certain family members.”

I totally understand and resonate with the feeling of guilt especially when it comes to family. It took a really long time for me to arrive at my decision to keep away from them to the point that I do not keep contact or have any relationship with any of them. To this day, though, admittedly, I’m still making peace with the decision as I certainly have my moments of guilt and doubt — still — albeit sporadically.

Breaking Free of Negativity and Drama with the Family

As I was reading “Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle: How to Break Free of Negativity and Drama,“ I was surprised — pleasantly, admittedly — when I read the section, “How to Be Yourself with Your Family Members.”

From what I’ve read mostly on-line, I know many of us are in the same predicament. I also know that deep in our hearts, we know what’s best for us, but it is the dictates of the outside world, of society that prevent us.

Doreen offered the following options that I’m quoting verbatim.

  1. Distancing yourself—You could move far away from them, and only visit via computer chats and every-other-year holiday get-togethers.
  2. Confrontation — Damn the torpedoes, because you’re going to tell your family members precisely what you think about them.
  3. Assertiveness — You express your feelings and thoughts in an assertive way (such as owning your feelings instead of blaming, and being calm, mature, and loving while talking).
  4. Family therapy — You and your family meet with a licensed psychotherapist to discuss and hopefully resolve your issues.
  5. Family divorce — You completely sever all contact. You never talk with or see any members of the family. Pros: You don’t have to worry about dealing with their conflicts in person. Cons: You may still deal with family conflicts internally, unless you undergo therapy, attend support groups, or take other action to heal from painful family issues. You may miss some of the family members who weren’t involved in the conflict.                                                                                                                                               Again, there’s no right answer for everyone. Soul-searching, combined with support (such as a therapist or 12-step sponsor), can help you find answers to this challenging situation.

Please note that in her book, Doreen expounds on the pros and cons of the four other options. For the purpose of this post, I only included the ones for the ‘family divorce’ option.

Divorcing one’s family may not be for everybody. And I certainly am not advocating it to be.

All I’m saying is it is an option. And it can be for those who choose it. They can choose it if they deem it to be the healthiest and most loving for them and their family situation.

If they believe it is what will help them the most on their road to healing and recovery, then they certainly have the freedom and free will to make that choice — which was the case with me.

Getting Off (and On) the Drama Triangle

As I stayed true to my vow to heal myself, I took the brave step of relinquishing my rescuer/caretaker role in my family — particularly bowing out from being the caretaker of my brother when he had ruptured aneurysm in the brain.

It was a decision that, quite understandably, didn’t sit well with my family, especially my mother. How could I think of ‘abandoning’ her favorite child? She didn’t explicitly say that, but the writing was clearly written all over the wall.

And I had thought that doing so would have meant me fully relinquishing my rescuer role altogether.

dramatriangleI thought it would be the end of my rescuer tendency that was rooted in my abusive childhood and dysfunctional home. I thought by breaking away from my family I was fully breaking my rescuing pattern —once and for all.

Little did I know that it would only be the beginning. That it would be on-going. A life long journey…..as I’m realizing even more so now as I look into how it played out in my living situation here at Sugar Beach which I earlier wrote about here.

I’m realizing how I have been on the Karpman Drama Triangle more than off it. In fact, I found myself on it just this past weekend. Thankfully, I was able to get off it sooner than I have in the past.

It’s so much easier to learn something intellectually. Bringing the concept to our entire beingness and fully embodying it — that’s a whole different on-going process altogether! And I’m grateful that I was given such an opportunity with this recent incident.

As I’m peeling away yet another layer and finding ways on how to be off the triangle, I’m reminding myself to be gentle to and easy on myself. To focus on the times when I’m off rather than on it — and to celebrate it!

After all…..

Get­ting off the tri­an­gle is not some­thing we do once and for all. We get on and off all the time. Under­stand­ing tools like Stephen Karpman’s vic­tim tri­an­gle brings us a map. It shows us where we are in our rela­tional life and where we’re headed. Study­ing this map helps us find the best route for get­ting off the tri­an­gle. Again, it’s a process, not a final des­ti­na­tion.”

~ Lynne Forrest, “The Three Faces of Victim — An Overview of the Drama Triangle

😀 😀

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Copyright © 2011-2015 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing, where I share my thoughts and reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥
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5 Responses to Breaking Away From Family, Breaking Rescuing Pattern

  1. Shawna says:

    Very interesting Nadine. I’m going to have to share this one!
    I am going through this myself and I’m also reading Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle by Doreen Virtue. So I’m loving this synchronicity and learning how to deal with this in a better way, through detachment currently – when I could be the rescuer or even feeling like the victim.
    This has given me something to think on with dreaded drama triangle. I appreciate your blog and you – thank you!

    Like

    • You’re most welcome Shawna, and thank you, too, for sharing this. 🙂

      Looove synchronicities, too! 😀 😀 😀

      I’m happy to hear that you’re learning how to deal with the dynamics of the Karpman Drama Triangle. As you may already be realizing, the energies can be very subtle. It takes tremendous self-awareness and sensitivity to subtle energies for us to ‘smell’ the hook before we are finally lured into the drama! So, YAY to you for taking responsibility and learning how to get off the triangle. 😀

      Thank you again for joining the conversation Shawna.

      Blessed be. 😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀

      Like

      • Shawna says:

        Thank you for your reply and having me here. It does take tremendous self-awareness and being sensitive to the energies for me to realize when I’m being pulled into one of those.
        Right now I’m still in this place of detachment from it and it kind of makes me sad. I guess I’ve been used to being sucked into the drama for so long and it’s not that I am punishing this person by choosing not to be around…I just can’t handle the toxicity when she gets so messed up. I’ll always love her unconditionally, but for my own well being I have to draw back. She doesn’t want to change and I can’t make her. If she wants to kill herself this way, I just don’t want to watch. I feel helpless and I don’t like this feeling but I have to remind myself that it is not my job to save her. I’m really not in a happy place myself right now and it’s taking enough out of me just to make it to this corporate job that is so harsh.
        I plan on making some serious changes for 2016.
        Blessed Be )O(

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sounds to me like you’re doing/being exactly what you’re supposed to! YAY to you Shawna! ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

          Breaking old patterns and breaking away from the familiar takes a lot of courage — especially when it’s our loved ones who are involved. But we gotta do what we gotta do — love ourselves as much as we love them, and be that up close or from a distance. And yes, we must love ourselves first and foremost.

          I’m holding you and your plans and intentions of making serious changes in a Sacred Space of Divine Love & Light. May you continue to flow with the Universal Flow!

          Blessed be Shawna. 😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀

          Like

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