“Ang tiyaga ko — sobra!” (I was too persevering — to a fault!)
I persevered towards something that wasn’t worth pursuing. I could have simply said no to it. I could have simply turned my back and walked away. That’s what I should have done.
But I didn’t.
I chose instead to overlook the red flags. I chose to turn a blind eye, a deaf ear on the other warning signals.
One resort staff earlier on already exhibited a lack of respect towards me which I wrote about here. I had already asked myself then whether it was time for me to move on to another location.
Several weeks later, I would be told by the owner that not only was I not the first guest whom the staff disrespected. Apparently, she’s had similar issues at her two previous employments because of an attitude problem! And she was fired because of it! 😮
Then, there’s the horrific encounter that I had with the owner who attacked me because he was heavily intoxicated with alcohol. Oh, I was petrified! I relived the trauma that I experienced from my father.
Sure, it was quite healing. Sure, it was an isolated case and a mistake for which he apologized.
Still… The owner attacked a guest! I also had already asked myself then whether it was still safe for me to continue to stay. I still chose to stay, duh! 😮
Naturally, these encounters, plus other nuisances that I mentioned in my previous post caused me much torment. I could go on about all the other causes of my distressed state during my stay.
Only one question though stands out as I recall them now and how I put up with all of them — What the f@#k was I thinking?!?! 😮
I’m realizing how much of my time and energy were spent — unwisely — in addressing issues, getting involved with their internal problems and helping get them resolved (Yup…there’s that rescuer in me again!), and de-stressing from all my unpleasant experiences. There was very little time — if at all any — that I had for me to simply be, to enjoy life, and all that Mother Nature was offering. 😦
But I interpreted these irritants and distressing experiences as opportunities for me to assert myself and my rights. To be accorded the respect that I deserve. To enforce my boundaries.
However, it meant putting up with the undesirables and settling for less….again! It is something that I, of course, didn’t quite realize at the time.
I chose to ignore the signs. I dismissed them.
I focused instead on making it work. I was too focused — blindly focused — on making it work. I was hoping that it could work. I was adamant. I persevered — unwisely! 😦
I had hoped, I had thought that the resort management, the staff and I could work together to make it work in order to make my stay worthwhile — especially since I had been seriously considering taking up a more permanent residency.
But I was pushing them beyond their limits and capacities — perhaps even their personal will.
Self-respect — rooted in self-worth and self-esteem — is something that the resort management and staff have yet to embody.
How could they give me the respect that I rightfully deserve when they are oblivious to the respect that they deserve? How could they give me the respect by ensuring that the other guests extend it to me, how could they — when they need to learn to give it to themselves first. Only then can they effectively carry on their job and responsibility of making sure that their guests accord other guests respectful treatment and consideration.
What do I mean?
It has been their practice to put up with disrespectful guests. They have their fair share of grievances towards those guests who have not treated them well. I was appalled to find out the disrespectful treatments that they have allowed the guests to do to them — the staff, even the owner! 😮
They thought they didn’t have any other choice but to simply put up with it. They didn’t think they have the power or even the right.
“Eh guest eh!” (But they’re the guests!) Their convenient justification.
Clearly, a misconstrued and false sense and definition of power and authority. Well, to me, at least — definitely not to them.
But it is their truth, not mine. Given their background, though, and where they are in their lives, I can only extend understanding, compassion and yes, respect.
When we have very low self-esteem, when we believe that we are not worthy, we simply accept unloving and unkind treatments. We do not believe that we ought to assert ourselves and fight for our rights. Sometimes, we don’t even know what those rights are. We allow the lack of respect. We do not believe that we are deserving of so much more. We settle for less.
They didn’t believe they deserve respect. They allowed the guests to disrespect them; They condoned it.
But they kept complaining about it.
And the rescuer in me saw an opportunity. I interpreted it as an invitation for me to step in and assist in their awakening. To shed light in their dilemma. To help them realize that they are worthy and do not deserve the disrespect from their guests.
And off the Rescuer Nadine went and took charge of the situation! 😆
It was one reason that led to my prolonged stay at the resort. Behind my perseverance was my desire to make them come to their senses and realize their worth — as I was attempting to make them realize mine.
But I cannot learn others’ lessons for them. They need to do it on their own — using their timeline.
They need to make that choice themselves — on their own, using their free will.
They need to walk their path — I cannot walk it for them; I shouldn’t. That’s not empowering them; That’s taking away their power from them.
I can only tread my path — no one else’s; I can only master my skills and leave others to their journey and process.
Here I am, talking about the respect that I deserve, how I wasn’t accorded it, and how they couldn’t realize that it isn’t only me but them, too, who are deserving of the respect.
I too, though, need to respect the choices that they are making in their lives. They may appear to me as wrongful and unwise. Despite my attempts to make them believe otherwise — even with the best of intentions — if they continue to choose to believe that they are not worthy enough, be it of respect or whatever else, I simply need to respect that.
To persevere or convince them further is itself a show of lack of respect.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀
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