I can be such an opinionated individual. I can be articulate and talkative — especially about my passions, beliefs, and interests.
I can express my thoughts and feelings quite well — comfortably and confidently, be it verbally or in writing. (The written form though is more my comfort zone. Hence, this blog.)
However, when it comes to expressing my feelings when my rights are being violated, I suddenly become shy. I clam up. My gift of speech and communication quickly goes on a vacation!
More so, when the person with whom I’m communicating has a ‘stronger’ energy. The energy of aggression.
When I’m being attacked, especially by someone in ‘authority,’ I easily feel intimidated. Threatened. Terrified.
My friend’s husband who ‘attacked’ me is the other half of the couple who owns the resort where I’m staying.
READ: “Your husband is an alcoholic.”
How dare an owner behave in such a manner, right? How dare the owner treat a guest disrespectfully — for no rightful basis or reason, right?
I could have easily interpreted his behavior — an isolated one, a first, and I sure hope the last — solely in such a manner.
I could have easily allowed myself to be ‘intimidated’ and blinded by his ‘status.’ By his ‘power’ over me.
I could have easily given my power away to an authority figure — as I always have since I was a little girl. Just as I have all along, to my father as well as my mother.
But I didn’t.
I chose otherwise.
However, when old patterns and beliefs have been deeply ingrained in one’s psyche including the physical body, it is instinctual to respond to situations in the old, familiar, unconscious, habitual way.
My habitual response.
Is it still safe and healthy for me to live here? Why am I being attacked in my sanctuary? (I must add that there had been a couple of other times when I had also been attacked, and my personal space was encroached — not by the owner though, thankfully, but other guests.)
Feeling like a victim, I asked myself and my friend these questions following the incident.
Uh-oh…not again. I quickly caught myself — thankfully. I immediately stopped myself from falling into victimhood pit.
In a recent article by life coach Nanice Ellis, she explains that in order to heal from the trauma, we need to change our beliefs. She enumerates the four core traumatic beliefs as Victimhood, Powerlessness, Worthlessness, and Loss.
Coming across this article provided me with a much-needed boost. I wasn’t going to allow myself to feel victimized. Powerless. Worthless.
I gave myself permission to express what I felt — to my friend and in solitude.. I allowed the tears to flow. (Boy, is it quite a challenge to cry while swimming!)
Releasing whatever has long been lodged in my body paved the way for me to shift quickly and easily to an observer role. To see the bigger picture. The higher purpose. The growth opportunity.
“You certainly deserve respect, Nadine. You are so worthy. You have the power within you to rise above this. You can conquer this. You can come out of this victorious and transformed. Renewed. Re-birthed.”
The words of my inner Wise One helped bring me back to my senses.
The chance to put into practice my shifting beliefs and perceptions is being presented to me.
Will I grab the opportunity, or will I take the ‘easier,’ convenient route? You know, same ol,’ same ol’.
My father never apologized to me for any of his wrongdoings. He was too proud. Too proud to admit. Too proud to apologize. Also, given his level of awareness though, he, in all likelihood, simply didn’t know how.
That last statement isn’t meant to diminish or dismiss the trauma that I experienced from the hands — literally and otherwise — of my father, one of the two major perpetrators in my life, the other one being my mother. It isn’t meant to cushion the blow.
But as I wrote in my earlier post, I prepared myself not only to face my friend’s husband and hear him out, I also intended to face up to my father (albeit symbolically as he has already passed on.)
Sure, I had every right to get furious at my friend’s husband. I could have easily matched up his attacking energy with a similar energy of aggression. Or more. Or worse. It would have easily been understandable and justifiable even — maybe.
However, I chose to be the bigger person instead. I didn’t want a person’s character to be defined by one isolated wrongdoing. I chose to see through compassionate eyes.
I chose Love over Fear.
Despite the terror and trauma — be it from this recent encounter with my friend’s husband or from long ago with my father — I didn’t allow Fear to take the driver’s seat. I let Love prevail.
I certainly deserve no less than an apology. Despite my friend’s husband’s despicable behavior though, I also believe that he likewise deserves to be given the chance to extend one to me. To face up to his wrongdoing. To own it. To make amends. To give me back my dignity as I give him back his.
As I was still quite vulnerable, I opted to take it slow. I was also still quite shocked — not just from how he attacked me but perhaps more from my realization of the depth and severity of my father wound. The trauma that I thought I had already healed and cleared.
I wanted the healing to be organic. To take place in its own time and timing and in its own way. A choice that was fully supported by my friend and likewise respected by her husband.
I surrendered. I trusted. I believed. I put out the intention. Willfully. Determinedly.
I capitalized on the potency of the energies of the month of March, especially the days leading up to the New Moon. Solar Eclipse. Spring Equinox. 7th Uranus/Pluto square. The solar flares. The works!
I asked for assistance from the cosmos — for the conversation to take place on or before the solar eclipse. Preferably during the solar eclipse itself.
And supported and assisted I certainly was — fully! Manifest my intention I did.
I asked for it; I got it!
Right on the very day of the solar eclipse!
To be continued – Our Conversation, His Apology, My New Pattern
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀