‘Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to Nadine.’
My friend responded to her husband when he apologized after she confronted him about why he attacked me for no valid reason.
(READ: “Your husband is an alcoholic.” )
He readily acknowledged his wrongdoing. He also just as readily wanted to apologize to me — thankfully. He certainly owes me an apology. I deserve one.
But it wasn’t the rightful time. Not yet.
I wasn’t ready.
I needed time and space to recover. To gather my energies. To center myself.
I needed to be clear. To be very clear why the situation happened. More so, how to deal with it and what to do moving forward.
It certainly brought up stuff for clearing and healing — not only for my friend and her husband but me as well.
More so for me.
My hands and feet quickly turned cold. The rest of my body though was very warm. I was shaking. Shaking with terror.
As I lay in the hammock on my veranda, I imagined myself being cradled by the Divine Mother. I was badly in need of a mother’s love and nurturance.
And my friend generously gave that to me — without being asked. She was rubbing my arms and legs…comforting me.
She was also evidently and explicitly furious at her husband and how he mistreated me.
During our tearful and heartfelt conversation that ensued right after the incident, she was so worried that it would take me several days — maybe even weeks — before I could recover. Just like what happened in December when I had an issue with one of their resort staff.
But I knew it would be different this time. I felt that at the onset. I sensed it wouldn’t take me that long to rise above what happened — despite how petrified I was!
And what made the difference is how my friend was responding to the situation — so different from how she did in December.
At that time, my friend, the other half of the couple who owns the resort where I’m staying, sided with the staff who had also disrespected me. She even defended the staff — initially only, at least.
Naturally, I felt even more hurt.
I felt so alone. Abandoned. Rejected. Just as how I had felt growing up, when my mother would come to the defense of my other siblings — rightly or wrongly — instead of me. A pattern that found its way even well into my adult life.
That episode with the staff has since been resolved. It resulted in deeper healing of my childhood wounds, and it created yet another shift in my beliefs, patterns, and perceptions.
It also became a wake-up call for my friend. It ushered the need for her to instill changes in the resort operations and management.
Change is likewise calling out now — in her husband’s lifestyle as well as their marriage.
And this time, my friend readily acknowledged her husband’s wrongdoing towards me. She didn’t defend him. Didn’t wrongfully and unfairly stand by him.
There certainly has been a shift. A major one.
The Karpman Triangle: The Drama in Dysfunction Families
Dad had such a bad temper that my siblings and I would hurriedly head to our room as soon as we heard his arrival as he drove his car into the garage. We were so terrified that to avoid being punished, we would sometimes hide under the bed — especially for a wrongdoing that was not even our own. It was an overt house rule that when one child did something wrong, all of us would get punished! And we certainly were subjected to quite some beating up!
Through all the years and in all the times that my father would have his display of displaced rage, all that my mother would do was tolerate it. Allow it to happen. Enable.
There was also nothing else that my siblings and I could do except allow it. Be horrified. Traumatized.
Dad, the persecutor. The children, the victim. Mom, the redeemer.
Later on though, even Mom started taking on the role of the persecutor together with Dad, and my siblings and I continued to be the victim.
And we all simply endured the abuse in silence.
And as how the energy dynamics of this drama triangle play out, the roles of persecutor, victim and redeemer would switch among the family members.
When the dysfunctionality is not addressed, when the resultant wounds are not healed, such roles would find their way in the other relationships of the family members outside of the family. Same drama. Same vicious cycle.
And I found myself caught in such energy dynamics in all my relationships — friendships, work-related, romantic/sexual. I would switch roles depending on the circumstances and situations.
No more persecuting. No more victimizing. No more being victimized. No more redeeming. No more rescuing. No more enabling.
And my friend, thankfully, is also no longer playing the enabler role — to anyone. Not even to her husband. More so to her husband.
I could have easily come to my friend’s rescue and help her in dealing with her husband and his alcoholism.
No rescuing. No enabling — even and especially someone who has been enabling someone else’s wrongdoing.
After all, I had my own situation to address. I had my own healing and grieving process to go through.
And given the depth of the wound and intensity of the fear that has been implanted in my body and cellular memory, there was no way that I was going to neglect my needs and come to my friend’s rescue.
Self-love and Self-Care
I had been telling my friend that.
Like the rest of the female population, we instinctually take care of others more than and even before ourselves. It is a collective wound that is embedded in the female psyche.
And I needed to practice what I was preaching.
I spent the days following that horrific encounter taking care of myself. Only me.
I gave myself space and time to heal. I honored my experience.
I released. Cleared. Regrouped. Centered myself.
I re-parented my severely wounded hurting little Nadine.
All the self-care was in preparation for me to face my friend’s husband. My persecutor.
And I had been preparing myself — and intending — that as I would face my friend’s husband, I also would face — symbolically but not necessarily less powerful or ineffective — the other ‘more significant’ perpetrator in my life — my father who has already passed on. I had been preparing myself to come face-to-face with Fear.
And I’m so grateful that my friend handled and responded to this issue differently. It surely helped a lot in making me feel supported, honored, loved and respected. It greatly assisted me in my healing, grieving and forgiveness process.
And I know that there was a shift because I shifted.
All the inner work that I’ve done over the years — most especially in recent times leading to and alongside my Chiron Return — I am now reaping the rewards!
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀