As I stand frozen in fear, I experience a loosening of the bladder.
I pee in my underwear.
Wait a minute…..
This is deep. This feels soooo familiar. I’ve had this bodily response. Something’s being triggered. My memory….my body’s memory.
This is huge.
In my earlier post, I shared that I was tasked to deliver a much-needed sensitive piece of news to my friend —
“Your husband is an alcoholic.”
I accomplished that mission. The purpose has been fulfilled.
Is that it? Is that all there is to it? Was that traumatic encounter that I had with my friend’s husband simply meant to make me an instrument for my friend’s wake-up call?
Undeniably not. Not from how my body responded.
This is huge — not only for my friend but me as well.
That encounter — so brief yet terrifying as it was — awakened the memory of my fear of my father’s rage. It was how I, we — my siblings and I — would respond each time we would witness our father’s deeply-rooted anger or be at its receiving end.
Violence. Intrusion. Invasion of privacy. Overstepping boundaries. Disrespect. Intimidation. Attacking. Displaced anger. Rage.
Oh no…here I go again with these all too familiar energies and themes.
I’ve put up with them for the longest time — as a child, an adolescent, even as an adult…
Here I am, in my 50s, attracting and encountering the same energies.
Surely, another layer is being peeled away for deeper healing and cleansing.
I froze in fear as I had become the recipient of my friend’s husband’s attacking energy. I couldn’t utter a word as I felt and saw the look in his eyes.
I’ve seen that look before. The glaring look. The look of hostility. Fierceness. Rage.
The look that I’ve seen in my father. The same look. The same energy. Many times over.
The look and the energy that would leave me frightened and peeing in my underwear each time. Feeling helpless. Trapped.
Trapped in fear.
I was trapped in fear, and that fear has been trapped in me. It has been deeply embedded in every cell of my body.
And that fear has been awakened during that recent frightening encounter with my friend’s husband. That fear is now being brought to the surface for yet another layer of healing of my father wound.
I have just come out of my most pivotal astrological Chiron Return phase that I have written about extensively in this site.
(Chiron, the ‘Wounded Healer’ represents our core wound. Chiron Return is when Chiron “returns” to its original placement where it was — house and planet — when we were born. We experience this phase when we reach the age of 49 to 51 or thereabouts. It is the time when we wrap up the issues that are related to our core wound and make peace with it. As our focus shifts away from the wound per se to the gift underneath, we determine how healing from the wound can help others. In my natal chart, Chiron is in Pisces and in my fourth house, the house associated with our roots and origins, home base, family in general, father image and relationship to the real father.)
So, how do I handle such an energy now? How do I deal with it now?
Am I going to allow myself to be intimidated and silenced? Again? Will I allow myself to be simply frightened and be gagged? Again?
Or will I continue the new pattern that I’ve started? The pattern of asserting myself. Of speaking up. Being clear about my boundaries. Ensuring that other people honor and respect them.
I may have been instrumental in making my friend finally realize and admit her husband’s alcoholism. It may have been my mission; It may have been the purpose.
But that wasn’t just the purpose of that encounter that left me petrified. It wasn’t the only purpose.
My friend and her husband may now have an enormous challenge to face. After all, battling with alcoholism — both for the one dealing with it as well as for their loved ones — is one of the most difficult challenges to face. Sure, his alcohol addiction may be deep. Their task at hand may be huge.
But so is my father wound. So is the fear that’s been buried in my cellular memory.
The wound… The fear….
It is huge. It is deep.
But it certainly is addressable. It certainly can be dealt with. It can be healed. It can be released.
And I AM healing. I AM releasing. I AM releasing the fear. I AM healing from it.
Thank you for calling my attention and coming to my awareness. I believe you have now served your purpose, and it is now time for you to go. You no longer need to be imprisoned. We no longer need to be each other’s prisoner. Let us now set each other free. I am now setting you free.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀
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