“Why do I feel like I’m about to break up with someone?”
I have this strong intuitive sense as I go through this major distressing episode in connection with my stay at this resort.
I go through a gamut of emotions.
Anger. Rage. Sadness. Compassion. Frustration. Irritation. Gratitude. Appreciation. Confusion.
But I want to be sure that I am not simply angry.
I want to let my emotions die down first.
I want to be more rational, calm and centered before making any decisions. I want to make sure that whatever choices and steps that I take are for the ‘right’ reason. That I am being reasonable. That I am not just pissed — even if I truly am!
That was in early December 2014.
In a recent post, I shared that I finished a lengthy letter that I wrote the staff whose actions led to my severe distressed state. Thankfully, I’m now fully recovered and recharged! I finally gave that letter to her. That was two weeks ago.
What is her response?
No acknowledgment. No ‘thank-you.’ No apology. No ‘I’m-so-embarrassed-I-don’t-know-what-to-do-or-to say.’
Am I disappointed?
Does her ‘silence’ anger me?
What do I make of that? What am I to ‘do’ now?
It can’t get any clearer that I’m not going to have anything to do with this staff.
I already made that decision back in December. But I was full of anger then.
The anger has now dissipated.
But I still have the same decision. Her actions — inaction — are a clear indication of what I am to do moving forward.
I’m clear in my intention in writing the letter that what I wanted was to give myself the space to express how I felt. I wasn’t justifying. Not passing on the blame. Simply expressing myself.
I’m also clear that my forgiveness — be it towards her or myself — is not dependent on whether or not she would ask for an apology. Nor is it dependent on whether or not her apology is sincere. Forgiveness and apology are non-concomitant.
It is bad enough that she doesn’t do anything with my letter.
Worse, a few days after receiving it, she displays yet another of her unconscious, unintentional, habitual pattern of disrespect.
I’m not as angered as before, but I naturally report the incident again to the resort owner. She calls the attention of the erring staff. Their conversation pushes the staff to approach me — finally.
Long and short of it all….
She’s too proud to approach me. She wants to but doesn’t know how. She’s even too proud to ask the assistance of the resort owner on how to approach me. She’s scared of causing my ire again. She’s afraid of making a mistake — that, to me, is simply pride, still.
We have a heartfelt conversation. I don’t allow my own fear-based, limited self to lead the conversation. I speak from the heart. And I speak my truth lovingly and respectfully.
I feel her sincerity. I believe her. She isn’t merely giving excuses. She truly has a limited capacity, ability, and capability — given her level of awareness and consciousness.
Up until starting now…..
She realizes that what she needs to learn is humility.
I’m pleased that her admission and acknowledgment is, in itself, already a show of humility. And I point that out to her — along with many others that make her come to her senses and realizations — finally! — for which she is truly grateful.
She wants more.
She wants more from me. More similar conversations.
More than what I am willing to give.
And I’m now being given yet another opportunity to practice self-love and boundary-setting.
I have served my purpose. I have planted the seed.
Back in my rescuer, caretaking role heyday, I would have quickly, excitedly jumped at the opportunity. I, most likely, would even have offered myself to be her ‘mentor.’ I certainly would have made her one of my ‘projects.’ I would have seen it as the reason I was led to this resort!
I believe that she has truly gotten her lesson. It is now time for her to put it into practice.
And I know that changing, breaking a pattern, getting out of a habit isn’t going to happen overnight. Developing a skill takes time and practice. And I certainly am not going to be her training ground. Nor am I going to be an enabler. Not anymore. I love myself enough to not allow that.
And she simply needs to respect that. She needs to learn to respect my choice.
When the relationship has served its purpose, staying on longer, staying together becomes a disservice to both parties.
I’ve learned for a long time now that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. We can forgive, but we don’t need to be together. We can still love, but we don’t need to be with each other.
And I’m now leaving our situation in a state of love — for her and myself.
When couples break up, when both parties realize their wrongdoings, when they extend forgiveness or when they ask for one, when they realize that it’s to their best interest and highest good to part ways — and when they do so in a state of love — the love is what will allow both of them to let each other go and set each other free.
Just because two people love each other doesn’t mean they need to be together. And I’m hoping that she soon realizes that — if she hasn’t yet.
And it is now dawning on me that the feeling of ‘break-up’ that I had in December didn’t mean ‘breaking up’ with the resort or the resort owner — it is with the resort staff.
And again, I’m so thankful that I’m breaking yet another unhealthy pattern — the pattern of leaving — be it a place, person or situation — in a state of anger. I am starting a new pattern of going away in a state of love.
In fact, it is because of love that I am breaking away. It is because of my love — for myself and her as well — that I am ‘breaking up’ with her.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀
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