More than a decade ago, I was involved in the preparation of our high school homecoming.
The chairperson and I were at odds. It wasn’t openly acknowledged. Only a handful of our batch mates had an inkling on what was truly going on behind the scenes.
I felt it at the onset. Admittedly, I didn’t have enough guts to face up to her. I didn’t have the tools to confront her in an empowered and empowering way.
Our individual stuff was definitely coming up to the surface. Insecurities, ego-related, fear-driven and unresolved issues. One severely wounded inner child interacting with another.
How much of these were we aware of at the time?
I cannot and will not speak for her. For sure though, I wasn’t as aware and as clear then of all my stuff that was calling out to be healed and cleared as much as I see it so clearly now.
“Do you want to shine? If you do, I am willing to step down and give you the chairmanship.”
Seriousness was written all over her face. Seriousness was the tone of her voice.
I’m not sure though how much of what she said she really meant. But I simply sat there — in utmost shock admittedly — as I listened to her mouth those words. Words that were tainted with poor-me energy — albeit subtly.
Was it intentional? The poor-me drama and false humility?
Most likely not.
But I almost fell off my chair. Pun intended. 😉
I was dumbfounded. I clammed up. It was the only response I knew — then.
Even as I recall that incident and write about it now, I can still feel the sting behind her words. Whew!
I still shake my head now as I recall how I have allowed myself to put up with such energies — and for a prolonged period of time!
“Mabuti na lang Nadine tumahimik ka. Kung nagsalita ka nun, talagang sisipain ko yung paa mo sa ilalim ng lamesa. (It’s a good thing you kept quiet Nadine. Had you said anything, I most certainly would’ve kicked your foot under the table.)”
A former classmate and close friend was there listening to the conversation. I knew it wasn’t going to be an ‘easy’ meeting, so I asked her to be there with me. For me. I needed her for support; She was to be my crutch.
Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the energy which was going to be hurled at me.
It was an opportunity to face my demons and acknowledge parts I had disowned.
It was also an opportunity for me to speak up and assert myself — which I didn’t.
But I didn’t know much of any of these then. And I can only be thankful that I know now. I know so much more now, thankfully!
And if I knew then what I know now, I most certainly would have said my piece. I would have stood up for myself. I would have given a different response. Anything other than silence. I might even have taken her offer for chairmanship! 🙂
Do I want to shine?
Why wouldn’t I? Why would anyone not want to shine? Why would anyone not be allowed to? Why would anyone even be asked if they want to shine?!?!
But that’s one of my many stark realizations from my experiences during that historical homecoming chapter in my biography.
I was playing small.
I was hesitant to shine.
I was afraid to let my light shine.
I was afraid of my own light.
I was afraid of those who were dimming my light.
And I granted them, unknowingly, the permission to dim my light.
Thankfully, my days of playing small are now a thing of the past. I am no longer frightened of my own Light.
Others may be frightened of it. They may be threatened, but I am not allowing anyone to threaten me.
I am no longer allowing myself to be intimidated by other people’s fear and inability to recognize their own Light, making them dim my own.
I am giving myself permission to shine — as brightly as I possibly can.
I am allowing my Light to shine. That way, I am allowing others’ Light to shine as well.
May we all — without hesitation, without any prodding, without any invitation or anyone asking — joyfully, effortlessly, brilliantly shine!
May our Light continue to shine and may we beam our Light ever so brightly — as brightly as the Moon tonight, in all her fully glory, this 2015 and beyond!
From my Brilliant Light to yours….Happy shining! Blessed be! Namaste.
😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀