My Need For Approval, Appreciation, Acceptance Has Shown Up. Yup…Again!

Image Source: http://loleia.deviantart.com

Image Source: http://loleia.deviantart.com ©2008-2014 Lola Rodriguez http://www.lolarodriguez.com

I didn’t want to be called a “Donya,” a Spanish word that translates to “Madam.” It’s actually a show of respect.

However, the word has also earned a sarcastic connotation in the Philippines — well, at least, in the resort where I’m staying.

I’ve heard quite a bit of negative feedback, criticisms and complaints from the owner and other staff about the behavior and attitude of their guests who they have labelled “Donya’s.”

I was oblivious to what they meant. I don’t remember using it nor hearing it from others — at least, not with the same tone of sarcasm.

Apparently, when a woman is referred to as a “Donya,” it means that she is snooty and moneyed — or behaves or pretends to be moneyed. Arrogant. Demanding. Difficult to deal with.

Afraid to be lumped together with such “Donya” guests, I chose, unknowingly, to gag myself.

I didn’t speak up — even if and especially when I already needed to assert my rights as a guest.

I kept mum even if I should have been asking, if not demanding for services and privileges that’s rightfully deserving of and should be accorded a guest.

Earlier on, the owner had already expressed her reservations about what she perceived of me and my standards. She was so afraid that I wouldn’t like the resort’s rustic setting — which is, ironically, the very reason why I chose it! It’s understandable though that many find it incomprehensible how I could choose a native cottage as my dream house. But it is who I am!

So, my covert message to them —

No, I’m not like your other guests that you complain about. I’m different. I’m not a whiner. I’m not a difficult guest. I know how to get along. I’m easy to please. I’m not high maintenance. I have simple needs. I’m not a “Donya.”

Can you see where I’m going with this?

I was overly concerned with proving them wrong. My fear of criticism curtailed my own freedom of self-expression.

I wanted to fit in. To belong. I was afraid to be rejected  — just as I was when I was born 52 years ago.

In other words, I was, once more, looking for….

Approval. Appreciation. Acceptance.

These are three of the 5A’s that a child needs for healthy emotional and psychological development. (The two others are Affection and Affirmation.)

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ImageSource: http://design-fatality.deviantart.com ©2008-2014 Maxine Abbott

Needs that if unmet during childhood, will result in issues and destructive behaviors and unhealthy patterns later in adult life.

Needs that if unmet result in deep wounds.

And when the wounded individual is unaware of them and allows the wounds to have power over them, such wounds will make the wounded person hurt and wound another. Unhealed wounds  or those that are not attended to will also make the wounded individual inflict pain upon one’s self.

All these needs  — all five of them — weren’t met during my childhood which resulted in deep emotional wounds in my psyche.

And my need for approval, appreciation and acceptance is what’s coming up for healing and clearing as I reflect on this recent issue that I had with one of the resort staff.

I’m being reminded to assert myself and ask for what I want, need and rightfully deserve — be it as a guest or not, and be it in this resort or anywhere else I end up in my future travels and destinations.

Assert myself I will and I must — in a respectful way — as a human being. Period. Regardless if doing so would make others perceive me a “Donya,” or any other labels and judgments that may be hurled at me!

Who cares, right? And so what, right?

Duh!

It may easily be a non-issue to others, but it is my core wound, remember? And the Universe, thankfully, has just given me a timely reminder and much-needed nudge.

I need to allow myself to freely and joyfully express who and what I truly am — with no reservations, no justifications, no explanations, no excuses. And with the sheer intention of expressing myself.

And for me to do so wherever I may be, and with whomever I may be interacting — be it amongst like-minded’s (aka fellow ‘deviants’ who can easily get me) or those who are clueless about my make-up.

Whether or not people get me — and not many will or do — I simply need to give myself permission to beam my Light simply by being who I am.

Being too hard on myself is a pattern that I still find myself falling in and out of.

However, rather than berate myself, I’m reminding myself instead that it is inherent in this journey towards balance and integration that issues come up, over and over again. It is a concept that I get intellectually but have yet to truly embrace and embody.

And my heartfelt thanks to Leigh Gaitskill of Not Just Sassy On the Inside who commented the following in my earlier post. It has helped me be easy on myself.

“One of my teachers once described this process as moving up a spiral. Every time you come around to the same place you’re a little higher up, a little better at recognizing it, a little better at coping, until you’re finally looking down from so high up it’s a tiny thing. But sometimes I have that, “am I just doing it wrong?” feeling. I’ve also noticed that sometimes after I feel I’ve completed an issue it comes around again a time or two and then, when I handle it well — or sometimes say to the Universe, “I think I’m done with that one now:–it seems to fade away.”

Perhaps, that’s what I need to start doing — declare to the Universe that,

I’m done with this now!

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2014 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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16 Responses to My Need For Approval, Appreciation, Acceptance Has Shown Up. Yup…Again!

  1. Well done Nadine MARIE!

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  2. Noel says:

    Hmm..! The five A’s is a great way of understanding ourselves. I qill try to apply it to my children. Nadine, we all go through difficult times in our lives that stem from past experiences. I call it “defending the ego” which is the fabricated self that we arduously try to defend so that we are not hurt again. The challenge is to try to nourish the real self, without letting past experiences dictate our behavior. This involves accepting our skills and limitations, choosing to feel worthy , and being humble. By the way, “doña” in Puerto Rico is used as a form of respect, just like Ma’m” .

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  3. yogaleigh says:

    I hadn’t heard of the five A’s — and I’m intrigued. Thanks for that. And for the mention!

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    • You’re most welcome Leigh. 🙂

      I really cannot remember if the 5A’s was coined by the facilitator of the Reparenting the Child Within workshop that I attended in the Philippines, or if it’s something that she referenced from an expert in the field. It has been a huge help though in my self-awareness and self-healing journey.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and insights gleaned from the journey, NadineMarie … it’s amazing what comes up to be seen before, during and after the Chiron Return, isn’t it? (And we had a nice long one, thanks to two Retrogrades hovering over and near Chiron at those degrees — woo hoo!) It’s also wild to see how groups of people create bonds in those toxic ways at others’ expense … e.g. the ‘Donya’ projection you talked about. Not unusual in our cultures, I guess, but still really interesting to see it in action. Thanks again for sharing your musings, the 5As, and Leigh’s beautiful Spiral metaphor. Big Love, Jamie

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re most welcome Jamie! ❤

      This Chiron Return phase is really amaaaaaazing! 😀 Who would have thought, right? And oh yes, those retrogrades, whew! 🙂

      Believe it or not, Jamie, it wasn't until I read your comment that I realized how so much of a projection that 'Donya' reference is! Duh! 😀 So, thank you so much for pointing that out! ❤

      And thank you, as always, as ever for the loving energy that you leave behind in this site!

      Much Love to you Jamie…Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  5. Nadine Marie, I appreciate you bearing your soul and life on this blog. I can identify with much of what you share. I have issues of not setting boundaries, of not asking for what I need, of wanting to please and fit in. I was the middle of 3 boys, and then we had our long awaited sister. While my childhood doesn’t sound as severe as yours, I can see many similarities.

    I was slightly darker than the rest of my family and had black kinky hair. My dad’s side of the family has lots of black curly hair (I always assumed we were Black Irish). It sounds silly now, but I hated my hair. My mom made me feel bad about it by always asking if I had put Brylcream on it. She would say my hair was “dry.” So on would go the Brylcream, and I would try to comb it straight (but it would always have a wave). It seemed everybody wanted straight hair in the 60’s and early 70’s. Then curls came into style for men as well. My first year in college I had an epiphany; one morning I took a shower, shook my head, let the curls fly, and haven’t used a comb since. As a young adult, I found that women liked my hair just fine! One college summer I was working for a printer, and was delivering a print job. While riding an elevator with brochures on a cart, the only other person on the elevator asked me if she could rub her hands through my hair. Talk about a change in what I thought about my hair! I’m just sorry my mom couldn’t see its beauty. But then she probably had some baggage about race, from growing up in the American South. (And we never knew who my mom’s grandfather was.)

    I didn’t plan to talk so much about hair (it just poured out). I wanted to say many of us are wounded healers. That’s where I believe I’ve come to in my journey. The little and big wounds of birth and childhood have made me more aware and sympathetic to others. I see souls more and more, and less surface stuff. But I do enjoy the variety of colors and textures we arrive in.

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    • At the Reparenting the Child Within workshop that I attended in the Philippines in 1999, I learned that 95% of us grew up in dysfunctional families. I’m thinking actually, it’s probably more like 100%. After all, what family doesn’t have any dysfunctionality, right? And who among us has not been hurt or wounded during our childhood? Our wounds only differ in severity, and the resulting damage come in varying degrees.

      But what I’m most thankful though — and this is largely through the energies of my recent Chiron (the Wounded Healer) Return astrological phase — is how I’m able to truly and fully see all the gifts behind the wounds. More and more, I am seeing the bigger picture. More and more, I am transcending — yet still including, instead of denying which can only lead to spiritual bypassing — all of my most painful experiences and appreciating them for the purpose they have served and are serving. And I am conscientiously using these painful experiences and their blessings not only to further my soul growth and evolution, but to gain, like what you said, a better understanding and appreciation of and compassion for others. And as you also said, without the variety and diversity, Life would be the most boring! 🙂

      I’m also getting so much clearer that (and this is also something that I’ve been writing about extensively here), rather than rescue and fix others, rather than tell them how to heal their wounds or what to make of them — a long-held pattern that I’m finally breaking away from — rather than focus on others, my primary focus is myself. As I heal from my wounds, as I uncover the treasured gifts underneath all the pain, I am, more and more, beaming my Light which gives the space and the permission and allows others to beam theirs. Plus, my growth and my healing, my evolution and transformation is a process…it is a journey; it most certainly isn’t a destination.

      Thank you for sharing your own story Mike. Hmmmm….Might your mother come from the same family tree as mine? LOL 😀

      I also didn’t plan to write a lengthy response, but it simply flowed! 😀 Just as I’ve learned to flow with the energies that moved me to bare my heart and soul in this site — something that I most certainly didn’t plan or imagine I would do when I first decided to start this blog! Incredible journey this surely is! 🙂 And incredible courageous souls we all are!

      Thank you for the conversation Mike…Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  6. “Whether or not people get me — and not many will or do — I simply need to give myself permission to beam my Light simply by being who I am.”…………. And that Nadine is all you need.. when we learn to live for ourselves and not for others its a big step.. Love and Blessings to you and wishing you a wonderful Christmas Holiday..
    Hugs Sue

    Liked by 1 person

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