Whew! What a couple of weeks it has been!
Well, almost. Come Monday, it would have been exactly two weeks since all hell broke loose!
I had wanted to write about my experiences, but I had just been too exhausted!
There was much clearing, cleansing and integrating — as ever. It has been quite an intense emotional period. And my process isn’t quite complete yet.
My soul once more magnetized people and situations through whom and through which I am taking a step further in honing my skills on self-assertion. Boundary-setting. Loving myself. Valuing myself. Balancing in my giving and receiving — which is a facet of boundary-setting. According respect (to myself and others). Speaking up for myself. Asking for what I want, need and deserve.
In other words, an opportunity for yet another layer of deep and profound healing of my childhood wounds — while carrying out my Sacred mission and fulfilling my Divine purpose.
Up until recently, I had been too hard on myself thinking that I have not been able to learn my lessons because they continue to show up.
When will I ever learn? Why am I here again, with the same lesson but through a different person? Different situation but with similar circumstances and same energy dynamics….
What did I not get the last time? When will I finally get it? Get all of it? Will my childhood wounds — ALL of them — ever go away — completely? And what do I mean by ‘go away completely?’
Last year, I went through my most pivotal Chiron Return astrological phase which I’ve blogged about in this site extensively. We experience Chiron Return when we reach the age of 50 or thereabouts — 49 to 51.
Chiron, the Wounded Healer, represents our deepest wounds. Chiron Return is the time when Chiron goes back to its original position (house placement) in our astrological natal chart. We wrap up the issues related to our core wound and determine how healing from the wound can help others.
(In my natal chart, Chiron is in my fourth house, the house associated with our roots and origins, home base, family in general, father image and relationship to the real father. Chiron is in the sign of Pisces, conjunct Jupiter, opposite Pluto, trine Neptune.)
Are the wounds gone now — finally?
And that’s what I thought healing and forgiving was all about.
Not too long ago, I wrote a post, “If I Have Truly Forgiven, Why Am I Still Remembering and Feeling the Pain?” It was in collaboration with Leigh Gaitskill, Not Just Sassy On the Inside, who invited bloggers to write about Forgiveness.
I wrote in part,
“I’m realizing that the part of me who felt the pain and continues to feel the pain, the part of my being who remembers and will probably always remember the experience and the pain, is only one part of me who experienced it. It isn’t all of me; It is only one aspect of my being.
And that part of me is my little Nadine. My inner child who was wounded.
…the point of my healing journey is to not dwell on the remembrance of the experience and the accompanying feelings and emotions.
Rather, to tap into the part of me who can see beyond the pain and transcend the hurtful experience and feelings. To see the bigger picture. To make sense of it all and find a deeper meaning and higher purpose. To find the wisdom and extend compassion to the part of me who is hurting, my wounded little Nadine, as well as to those who have wronged that part of me. To take ownership and responsibility for what happened by remembering the spiritual agreement for which my soul signed up — an agreement that included going through the very painful experiences for which my little Nadine is hurting, and for which I am extending forgiveness.”
(If you want to read the post in full, click here.)
I may still be remembering the pain. The memories may never go away.
But when I am able to be appreciative of and grateful for the wounds — even as the scars remain — then I know that I would have healed and completed my process.
As I was in the midst of gaining clarity with what I was — and still am — going through, I came across this very timely Facebook post from Jeff Brown:
“I used to think that I could destroy the inner monsters or love them so much that they would evaporate, but now I feel that it’s more about working through enough of the source material that it takes a whole lot more to wake them up. Or, in Mark Twain’s words “you can’t throw a bad habit out the window. You have to walk it slowly down the stairs”. We may not be able to clear all the emotional debris we carry from our childhoods this is still the School of Heart Knocks, after all- but we can reach a stage where we are able to manage our deepest wounds and live our lives with deep satisfaction. And sometimes, those perpetual wounds and issues actually live at the heart of our sacred purpose, inspiring a deeper experience of compassion and expression. I wouldn’t have much to write if I hadn’t known a lot of pain. Family-of-Origin Penitentiary, or Family-of-Origin Graduate School? Imprisoned inside our own stuff, or working it through to the expansion at its heart? We do have a choice sometimes.” ~ Jeff Brown, 05 December 2014
I have now made peace with the fact that my childhood wounds are the most treasured gifts I have ever gifted myself in this lifetime — and yes, with the assistance and participation of my family of origin. These wounds are, in fact, at the crux of my Divine purpose and mission.
My recent experience once more gave me the opportunity to carry out my mission and be a Truth Barer. At the same time, I was peeling yet another layer and healing deeper still my childhood wounds, while taking my life lessons a step further towards mastering and embodying them.
In other words, what I have just been through is quite pivotal because I was healing my core wounds and helping others as I heal from them — the very essence of Chiron Return. Yeah! 🙂
The questions that now remain though, and for which I’m allowing the answers to be revealed are —
Have Sugar Beach, the swimmer’s paradise where I’ve been living for almost a year now, and Driftwood Village Resort where I have created my sanctuary of a little witch house, already served their purpose?
Have our purposes been mutually served?
Have I had a major breakthrough, having created a New pattern of relating and interacting, a New pattern of being of service and making a contribution, a New pattern of carrying out my Sacred mission and fulfilling my Divine purpose, a New pattern of expressing myself and beaming my Light — which I can continue to carry out from now on? And am I to carry out this New pattern here or am I to continue it on elsewhere?
Now that I have accomplished my mission — for which I feel so fulfilled, despite the fatigue and stress — and having healed deeply and profoundly, is it simply the time for me to move on?
And do I move on here or to my next destination?
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