How can I feel lonely when there is so much joy, freedom and liberation that I’ve been experiencing from having chosen this path?
I’ve been asking myself this question ever since I published my earlier post. I talked about my experience of loneliness and feeling of isolation from having chosen “the path less travelled.” Those who commented and shared their own sentiments and experiences validated what I have known and read — it is indeed a shared feeling amongst light bearers. Such comments, naturally, thankfully, make me feel less “lonely.”
Why am I enclosing the word lonely in quotation marks?
After I had published my post, I wasn’t quite convinced that it is loneliness that I’m experiencing. I was conflicted. Something didn’t quite fit.
I googled the word ‘loneliness’ to find out its definition. I wanted to see whether or not the definition fits what I’m experiencing.
As I had intuited, not all the definitions apply to what I’m experiencing.
‘Being without company’ — Yes, I am ‘without company‘ but I’m not necessarily ‘lonely‘ because of it.
‘Cut off from others’ — Yes, I am ‘cut off from others‘ — especially from those in my immediate surrounding and from those in my country of origin (the Philippines) but it’s also my choice. And again, I’m not necessarily ‘lonely‘ because of it.
‘Sad from being alone’ — Certainly not! I like my alone time. I enjoy it. I need it. Lots and lots of it.
‘Sad from being apart from other people’ — For the most part, no. Depends on which people. Sad from being apart from like-mindeds — yes, especially since they’re not in my geographical area. As for the rest, the ‘unlike-mindeds’ — absolutely not. I’m happy being apart from them. In fact, it is the reason I keep to myself — I’d much rather be by myself than engage in interactions that do not feed my soul, as I also already shared in my post.
‘Producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation’ — Certainly not! I find this definition to be bordering on ‘depression.’
And this is where I started to get confused. I began feeling stuck.
Might I be confusing ‘loneliness’ with ‘depression?’
If ‘loneliness’ does not accurately describe my situation, what does? Might I be getting too hang up about the semantics?
Might I be having some judgment around the word ‘loneliness?’ Could it be the stigma of the word “loneliness’ that’s giving me a sense of discomfort?
Perhaps, at some level, I believe that there’s something wrong with the feeling of loneliness. That something needs to be done about it. That it is something that I need to address.
And maybe I am confusing loneliness with solitude. Maybe, I, like the majority, perceive solitude or being alone as lonely. After all, that’s what the definition says.
Except that, the definition doesn’t accurately describe what I’m feeling. And I also do not equate being alone with being lonely.
So, what can accurately describe my situation? If not ‘loneliness,’ what?
As I have shared in my post, there is no doubt that I feel disconnected. I also definitely feel isolated.
But the disconnectedness and isolation are either my choice or a result of my choice/s —my choice to distance myself from the ‘modern’ world, from those who are trapped in the limited 3D consciousness and way of life.
I journalled my thoughts and confusion. I researched about loneliness, solitude, isolation, loner and other similar concepts that might help me gain clarity.
Interestingly, while I was in the middle of figuring this all out, in the middle of my writing, for some reason unbeknownst to me — at the time — I was moved to check my blog site.
Here’s what she wrote,
“I so relate to this. I too have pondered hard upon my inner most loneliness.. Sometimes I feel it may not even be loneliness I feel as a sense of detachment… And yet at other times an overwhelming amount of sadness sweeps through me.. Could this be not just a personal ‘Feeling’ But a ‘collective’ feeling..
I know I have at times too much empathy with the world.. Hence the detachment is a kind of self preservation control mechanism, that enables me to function.. Because we ‘See’ the ‘TRUTH’ of the world Nadine, we see how futile all of this striving to gain through greed is, How possessions dominate Living.. And that we have lost the ability to LIVE .. Mankind for the most part exists from one crisis to the next and its usually all based around Money and what it can or cannot buy him..”
Sense of detachment as a form of self-preservation.
Empathic. Highly Sensitive. Intuitive. Introvert. Those are a huge part of my make-up.
As I said, I’ve chosen to distance myself from the mainstream. Detaching from the world, and all its turmoil and chaos is my sure formula to survive. Perhaps the only one. After all, I have my inner turmoil also to deal with, and I need tons of solitude to deal with it.
And I do thrive on solitude. Being alone gives me much time and space for introspection, processing, inquiry, reflection — those that make me whole and balanced. Those that enrich my inner life. And the ‘activities’ that give me the most joy — swimming and writing — are best done in solitude. For me, at least. Swimming in the sea is my daily meditative, spiritual practice. Others that give me pleasure and joy are also mostly solitary activities.
And it dawned on me that my confusion and conflicted views may all be part of the shifts. As our beliefs and paradigms are changing, so do our perceptions and definitions.
And that includes our perception and definition of ‘loneliness’ — mine, at least.
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