A Lonely Path

I prefer to be alone — most of the time. It’s not that I’m anti-social. I AM simply choosing with whom I socialize. It may appear ‘choosy’ by society’s standards — snobbish, aloof, weird, strange, name it. So be it.

I don’t care much for small talks anyway. I have a low tolerance level for shallow conversations. I have no patience for superficial interactions.

I used to engage in those — when I was enmeshed in, lured by the modern world.

Not anymore — thankfully.

I prefer soulful interactions. Those that are mentally stimulating. Emotionally nurturing. Spiritually nourishing. Philosophical. Mystical. Deep.

I prefer to talk about life. Not other people’s lives. Life. Mystery. Spirituality.

So, unless such preferences are satisfied, I’d much rather be by myself. I AM happy being by myself

But, as is part of the human experience, there are times that I want and long for some soulful company.

I have discovered, though, that taking the path less travelled — which comes with much solitary time — can be lonely. Very lonely.

Oh, I get that I can be alone yet not lonely. I totally, completely get that. That’s not what I’m referring to.

I’m talking about something else. Something deeper.

A recent post by Janece of The Wild Pomegranate could have very well been written by me as it quite aptly describes what I’m feeling.

I’m guessing many of us can relate to the feeling of loneliness and isolation having chosen to tread the conscious path. Not that many, though, admit it openly and publicly — especially in the online world, as Grace so courageously and admirably ‘confessed’ in her post, which inspired me to write this — only the beginning of more  ‘confessions’ from me, I suspect.

And I have been feeling this loneliness for a long time. A very, very long time.

There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.”

— M. Scott Peck, M.D., The Road Less Traveled

There was a time, though, when I was in the company of like-mindeds. To be speaking the same language and have ‘normal’ conversations considered otherwise by society — it was such a joy! It was so refreshing to not have to explain words and terminologies that relate to consciousness, awareness, spirituality, growth, etc.  I was completing my M.A. in Consciousness and Transformative Studies at JFKU in Northern California at the time — the best years of my life, thus far.

I was enrolled in a class where we studied the work of Ken Wilber, a leading philosopher and proponent of the integral movement. The concept of altitude is part of Ken Wilber’s integral approach to development in consciousness and culture. It indicates the degree of development with regard to the number of perspectives, complexity and consciousness.

The more complex and the more perspectives an individual or culture can cultivate, the more developed their worldview becomes. Each degree of development is represented by and follows the natural color of the rainbow. It starts with infrared, continuing to magenta, red, amber, orange, green, teal, turquoise, and with indigo to violet representing the colors with the highest degree of development.

In one of my papers for the class, I described my experience and feeling of disconnectedness from my country’s (the Philippines) culture — one of the reasons why I uprooted myself with the intention of starting a new life in the U.S.

My professor wrote a comment, “From an integral perspective, many cultures are still amber/orange while you are moving towards teal through green as the altitudes of Wilber may describe the worldview.”

I later learned that only less than 2% of the entire population is in the teal level.

Less than 2%!

I panicked!

(Sorry, I can’t recall or find my source for this information in time for the publishing of this post. I’m also suspecting that after even much deeper inner work in recent years, I may already be at the teal level by now — a level reached by even fewer cultures. Sure, I also know that as I move into another level, so does the rest. But when will we catch up with each other?)

Where and how could I find the like-minded, kindred spirits that I have been searching and longing for — the ones who are at the same level as I am? Those who truly, totally, fully, completely, truthfully get me…

And I’m saying that with nary a tinge of arrogance or superiority. I wish I could find the exact words to accurately describe this feeling of disconnectedness, isolation and loneliness. It is gut-wrenching. Heart-breaking. Deep. Real. Very real.

And this loneliness is neither fear-based nor is it stemming from emptiness or disconnection from Source. In fact, that’s where the irony of it all lies.

As I deepen my spirituality, as I strengthen my connection to Source, as I come closer to my Divinity, the more distant I feel from the rest of humanity. The majority, at least.

And now that I’m back in my country of origin — initially, with some reluctance and now with even greater resistance (I’ve been back for four years), — this feeling of loneliness and isolation has become even so much more pronounced. To the point that I’m almost on the verge of giving up on the idea, the vision, the dream, the hope of one day being amongst my tribe.

In an earlier post, I talked about being “where we need to be in our journey…at different stages, and one stage isn’t ‘better’ than another.” As I said in the post, I get that.

It is moments and episodes like now, though, that I’m having difficulty bringing such words of wisdom that I get intellectually, down to every cell of my being.

Such words cannot take out the reality in my experience of isolation. Such words of wisdom cannot negate the truthfulness of my state of loneliness. I also do not want to diminish what I’m experiencing by simply telling myself things like, “Count your blessings,” “Focus on what’s there rather than what isn’t.”

Oh, countless are the times when I have articulated those words and similar reminders — to myself and to others. Such words — though profound and truthful as they may be — during moments like this sound fluffy to me.

And for now, no words can take away the pain of my loneliness. This pain needs to be heard. To be listened to.

And just for now, the pain of my loneliness does not need to be spoken to. More than anything, and more than ever, it needs to speak through.

Friends fall away as part of the path, and others arrive that reflect the next stage of the journey... (an excerpt from 'Ascending with Both Feet on the Ground' by Jeff Brown) Image Source: https://www.facebook.com/SOULSHAPING/photos/

Friends fall away as part of the path, and others arrive that reflect the next stage of the journey… (an excerpt from ‘Ascending with Both Feet on the Ground’ by Jeff Brown) Image Source: https://www.facebook.com/SOULSHAPING/photos/

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2014 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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29 Responses to A Lonely Path

  1. Betsy says:

    Hello Nadine, thank you again for writing. I feel a similar aloneness/loneliness. There are no good words, there are no reassurances. You are right, the loneliness needs to be heard, listened to. For me, I would add: felt/experienced/embraced. This is not so easy to to, I have tended to avoid going deep into it. Though I spend a tremendous amount of time alone, I have not really allowed myself to embrace it. Source knows how hard it is for me and gave me a very demanding cat who, among other functions, serves to give me a sense of having company 😉 Recently I have toyed with the feelings I may have in his absence–and it does not feel good! Not yet.. Here are a few poems that help me be with it:

    In Impossible Darkness by Kim Rosen

    Do you know how

    The caterpillar

    Turns?

    Do you remember

    what happens

    inside a cocoon?

    You liquefy.

    There in the thick black

    Of your self-spun womb,

    Void as the moon before waxing,

    You melt

    (as Christ did

    for three days

    in the tomb)

    conceiving

    in impossible darkness

    the sheer

    inevitability

    of wings.

    and then this one by Dag Hammarskjöld
    :
    Tired
    And lonely,
    So tired
    The heart aches.
    Meltwater trickles
    Down the rocks,
    The fingers are numb,
    The knees tremble.
    It is now,
    Now that you must not give in.

    On the path of the others
    Are resting places,
    Places in the sun
    Where they can meet.
    But this
    Is your path,
    And it is now,
    Now that you must not fail.

    Weep
    If you can,
    Weep,
    But do not complain.
    The way chose you-
    And you must be thankful.

    +++++++++++++++++
    Thank you for creating this space to feel and share on the path ❤

    Like

  2. Noel says:

    Nadine, you won’t believe me if I tell you that , before you quoted M Scott Peck, I was already picking up a copy of his book The Road Less Travelled and reading one of its chapters (balancing) . Then I continued reading your post I saw that you quoted this same author. . Weird . Anyways , I can understand where you are coming from. I also enjoy being alone most of the time . I feel awkward being in a social setting and out of place. I am not antisocial either, but I do consider myself introverted. I prefer to engage in conversations about philosophy, spirituality , psychology, etc. thanks for sharing.

    Like

    • Oh I believe you Noel…That’s synchronicity! 🙂 I don’t find them weird or anything though — they’ve become normal occurrences in my life. ‘Divine coincidences’ (although there really is no such thing as a ‘coincidence’), orchestrated by our Higher/Divine Selves/Souls. 🙂

      Thank you for your energy of understanding for my preference for being alone and being introverted as well. I know I’m not alone in this, but it sure does help hearing the validation and reassurance from others like me. Thank you! 🙂

      Your visits and comments are always appreciated Noel! ❤

      Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  3. Betsy says:

    One more poem I cannot resist sharing:

    Sweet Darkness

    When your eyes are tired
    the world is tired also.

    When your vision has gone
    no part of the world can find you.

    Time to go into the dark
    where the night has eyes
    to recognize its own.

    There you can be sure
    you are not beyond love.

    The dark will be your womb
    tonight.

    The night will give you a horizon
    further than you can see.

    You must learn one thing.
    The world was made to be free in.

    Give up all the other worlds
    except the one to which you belong.

    Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
    confinement of your aloneness
    to learn

    anything or anyone
    that does not bring you alive

    is too small for you.

    — David Whyte
    from The House of Belonging
    ©1996 Many Rivers Press

    Like

  4. Grace says:

    I just love this quote from Jeff Brown. It is so right on. I’m sorry that you are currently physically isolated. That must be difficult! Thankfully the Web can provide you with at least some comfort and connection until you move, either literally or figuratively. Lol. Blessings to you on your journey. I’m happy to be a small part in it.

    Like

    • I came across that quote from Jeff Brown while I was in the midst of putting together my thoughts for this post. So I knew something surely wanted to speak through!

      Yes, where I’m at geographically is really so isolating — at some level. It sure is difficult but I am choosing it — still, after I opted out of city life — because it is giving me my sources of joy — being able to swim in the sea daily (something I realized I can’t do without and will not trade for anything), the peace and quiet, being in nature….. It’s hard for me to imagine living elsewhere where I may have the tribe/human interaction that I’m yearning for, but if it’s not in the seaside and I won’t be able to swim daily, no can do! So yes, I am so, so thankful for the internet! Without that, whoa! I can’t even begin to think how miserable I’d be. 🙂

      Thank you Janece for being part of my journey. ❤ Thank you again for your post which was instrumental in the inquiry that I'm now going through. A fellow blogger also resonated with my post, and she also just published her own version of her 'confession.' We really just never know how we touch other people's lives — a reminder for me to keep on focusing on what I'm passionate about, (ie writing and blogging) and in that way, I continue to beam my light, which then lights other's paths. We simply need to follow that impulse — the same impulse you followed when you wrote your 'confession.' Again, thank you Grace! 🙂 Here's the link to Leigh's post if you're interested to read it… http://bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/solitude-loneliness-and-the-journey/

      Much Love to you….Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  5. yogaleigh says:

    Wow, this so hits home for me. It’s been hard to decide if the isolation of my health problems is more to blame or the isolation of my path. I definitely just choose to stay home a lot when I could go to a ceremony or a party because I don’t feel that great. But I also moved from northern California and a place where i lived in the midst of deep spiritual seekers to a place where not so much is gong on. More and more people are “on the path” here but, with some exceptions, we’re at different places on it and that feels isolating to me quite often.even when I’m with people.

    Like

    • I’m glad you resonated with it Leigh. Helps ease some of the pain!

      I’m guessing it’s both your health issues and the isolation of the path. Hey, we gotta take care of ourselves first and foremost. And even if we’re not having any health challenge, if we don’t feel like it, if we don’t feel like going, then so be it, right? As simple as that. And that can be so freeing but again, isolating… Ok, I think I’ve hammered that enough already.

      Thank you Leigh for joining me in this journey…for being part of my online tribe! 🙂 Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  6. Pingback: Solitude, loneliness and the journey | Not Just Sassy on the Inside

  7. That realization that I am ‘here’ but no longer of this world can be quite distressing. I have touched a point where I have aligned with my deepest truth, the spirit within, and the ‘knowing’ comes easily now, but at what cost. No other understands. I am now isolated with none to turn to.
    But there is the key. This part of the journey is in recognition of the depth of what we have become, but now is that final step, the final let go of who we are, to step into that unconditional love within. I think this world has trained us to always ‘control’ what we do. It is normal to be this way in our physical world.
    But now we are being asked to ‘totally’ release this…and just be that purity and love within. I did not think that this was possible. I thought that to be ‘unconditional’ was that total release at death, to step into that total pure state. And I have been shown this by spirit. But I feel this urge to step into an unknown, a total let go of who I am and become something that is that final step into my truth…now, before death has reached me. Would this be another way to let go of this world, or is it the birth of something new. The beginning of a new era of consciousness, a connection between this world and the next, simultaneously.
    Some days I know this understanding within should be given with the love that it was given me, and I do, but on other days I feel the need to just allow this world its time so that all may learn, as I have done, for until they are ready they will not understand.
    My heart goes out to you Nadine for it is a lonely journey. But within that loneliness is that step into a love beyond words, a place that is a peace, happiness and beauty all at once. I was shown but the tiniest piece but I’ll never forget it. The release of this world and the acceptance of the next brought such joy the tears would not stop. But I think we are moving into something else. Not a death, but the birth of something new, a rebirth if you will, to become something else on this journey we must all take.
    May your heart give you strength, your belief within hold you with its steadfastness, and the understanding of your purpose be built on the truth of that love you have created within. Namaste

    Like

  8. Hi Nadine and fellow travelers,
    This post (A Lonely Path) and the comments remind me of a Mary Oliver poem “The Journey”…

    On the day you finally knew
    what you had to do, and began,
    though the voices around you
    kept shouting
    their bad advice —
    though the whole house
    began to tremble
    and you felt the old tug
    at your ankles.

    “Mend my life!”
    each voice cried.
    But you didn’t stop.
    You knew what you had to do,
    though the wind pried
    with its stiff fingers
    at the very foundations,
    though their melancholy
    was terrible.

    It was already late
    enough, and a wild night,
    and the road full of fallen
    branches and stones.
    But little by little,
    as you left their voices behind,
    the stars began to burn
    through the sheets of clouds,

    And there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do —
    determined to save
    the only life you could save.

    Like

  9. Kitten says:

    Great article, Nadine. I understand the emotions that you expressed here very well.

    Like

    • Oh Kitten, thank you! Times like this, all I need is to be heard, seen, understood. And I got that from your brief but very powerful comment — as it is one delivered from the ❤ ! Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  10. Thank you for another lovely musing, NadineMarie.

    Well, 2%. That explains a lot, doesn’t it. 😉

    The loneliness on the Way, I resonate with that (and hear the same from other peeps, as we seem strewn about the world, connected via technology and telepathy!). Also, thank you for pointing the way to Janece’s post at Wild Pomegranate – I enjoyed reading her post as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know Jamie, 2%! When you do the math, that equates to 14M. You’d think, well, that’s a lot. 14M souls to connect with at a similar level. And then again, so where are they? Certainly not in my area of the planet! 😀

      It’s reassuring to hear that you resonate with this — not that that surprised me. And as I’ve said, I know this ‘dilemma’ is shared by many — probably by all the 2%! 😉

      Re sharing Grace’s (who’s Janece?) post (Wild Pomegranate), you’re most welcome Jamie. You also may want to check out Leigh’s post at Not Just Sassy On The Inside. She also published her own version of her ‘loneliness confession.’ http://bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/solitude-loneliness-and-the-journey/

      Thank you Jamie for musing with me, and especially for being part of my online tribe! I so appreciate it — probably more than you’ll ever know. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Blessed be. ❤

      Like

  11. Pingback: Why Are My Tribe And I Not In One Geographical Location? | Aligning With Truth

  12. Brilliant post Nadine Marie, You said
    “And this loneliness is neither fear-based nor is it stemming from emptiness or disconnection from Source. In fact, that’s where the irony of it all lies.”..

    I so relate to this.. I too have pondered hard upon my inner most loneliness.. Sometimes I feel it may not even be loneliness I feel as a sense of detachment… And yet at other times an overwhelming amount of sadness sweeps through me.. Could this be not just a personal ‘Feeling’ But a ‘collective’ feeling..
    I know I have at times too much empathy with the world.. Hence the detachment is a kind of self preservation control mechanism, that enables me to function.. Because we ‘See’ the ‘TRUTH’ of the world Nadine, we see how futile all of this striving to gain through greed is, How possessions dominate Living.. And that we have lost the ability to LIVE .. Mankind for the most part exists from one crisis to the next and its usually all based around Money and what it can or cannot buy him..

    Connecting with our Tribe, is stripping away the layers, not only of those around us, but we strip away the layers from our emotional selves… each layer revealing another ‘Truth’ about ourselves we perhaps at times would prefer not to have delved into.. We can feel naked and vulnerable.. So as we shut and close another door.. So too we can shut our outside world doors, As we retreat ever inward into that calm space of peace we are re-discovering within our divine selves..

    Our paths may seem lonely Nadine.. But once we learn to walk it.. We become far richer within our experience of it..

    Blessings your way
    Sue xox

    Like

    • Thank you Sue!

      What just happened now is so interesting — although not surprising anymore. I was in the middle of writing my thoughts in my journal, which I’m sure will end up getting published here sometime. For some reason, I thought of checking my blog site. Voila! I read your comments!

      I was journalling exactly what you just wrote here. I was questioning, how can I feel lonely (and is that what it really is?) when there is so much joy, freedom and liberation that I am experiencing from walking this path? There’s the disconnectedness for sure. Isolation, most definitely. And when you said a ‘sense of detachment,’ I so resonated with that, thank you! Yes, I have felt detached, and it’s a choice that I made. As I said in this post, the closer I come to my Divinity, the farther I feel from the rest of humanity — the majority. And these are the ones who are stuck in the limited, 3D consciousness — the thinking that’s wrapped around, as you said, money, and as you know, with that comes greed, envy, competition, etc. And I have chosen to distance myself from that reality and as you said, as a ‘form of self-preservation.’

      I’m still gathering my thoughts — as I said, I was in the midst of writing in my journal… But I wanted to reply to you right away. I’m certainly gaining more clarity — thanks in part to your comments and energy that ‘interrupted’ — in a good way, a very good way — my writing. It always fascinates me when this happens. I’m not finished with my introspection, my inquiry, my questioning and already the answers are revealed! 🙂 This virtual community, the online connections most certainly more than compensate for the absence of my tribe in my geographical midst! And the Universe has just quickly and clearly reminded me of that, whew! 🙂

      So yes Sue,’lonely’ as it may be, I am certainly far richer than I have ever been! And this life is enriched by my interactions with beautiful souls such as yours — thank you!!! 🙂

      Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am never surprised any more about the way the Universe works and lets us know we are far from alone in our thinking.. And I am delighted the Universe nudged you to take a peek at your blog as you wrote… If I miss your post on your journalled thoughts.. Please give me a nudge along, as My in box is crammed packed full of to look at new posts..
        Love and Light and you are most welcome Sister in Spirit 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh and I’m so thankful too that you were nudged to take a peek at my blog — despite your long list of posts to read! So, I just know that you will be nudged to check my blog — as and when needed. This interaction has just reminded me of that. To trust. To know….

          So glad… so, so thankful when that happens — when we listen intently and follow our promptings so obediently! Oh, I do get a bit hard-headed at times but hey, it’s part of the human journey!

          Again, I can’t thank you enough sister Sue! I took a break from my writing after I wrote my response to your comment. I have just come back from my usual post-dinner walk, and I had this smile that can’t seem to be contained. There was a distinct bounce in my walk! Oh I certainly felt joyful, thank you!!! 😀

          Much, much Love to you as well, and may your Light keep on beaming ever so brightly! 🙂 Blessed be. ❤ ❤ ❤

          Like

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  16. Carol says:

    I stumbled across you post as I was searching for “permission” to be alone on my path at this time. So much of what you wrote resonates with me! Thank you so much for sharing! I have been gradually moving away from my comfortable “pack” – not resonating with where their path is leading them. Giving our self permission to follow our own journey isn’t always easy to do
    when we’re going it alone.

    I would love to find kindred spirits that are on the same level. Perhaps, that is in my future. For now maybe I’m meant to be alone to reflect, grow and emerge at a higher level.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts! A lovely light shining for all to see.
    Many thanks
    Carol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, you’re most welcome Carol! I’m so glad that you were led to this site. 🙂

      It warms my heart that you resonate with what I’ve written. I just love that when that happens — when others are led here to hear what they need and when I’m led to what I need to hear. Nothing but the guiding hand of the Divine! 🙂

      It really is quite a challenge to be in our situation. And it certainly makes it so much more comforting to know we’re not alone in our aloneness. I have also only recently embraced and made peace with my being alone as an essential phase in my journey. And I’m enjoying it tremendously! 😀

      We certainly must give ourselves permission to follow the stirrings of our Soul. We must stay true to our chosen path. And those of us courageous souls who dare to dance to the beat of our own drum — and not of others’ — can find solace in knowing there are others like us. We may not be in each other’s immediate midst — in my case, at least. But I can only trust in the Universal Flow, Time, Order & Timing that to be ‘on my own’ is what’s for my highest good. It is what’s assisting me to come closer to the full expression of the Grandest Version of myself — as I’m sure is the same with you. ❤

      Looking forward to connecting with you some more! Thank you for visiting and sharing your journey, and thank you for blessing this site with your Presence and your Bright Light! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Blessed be Carol. 😀 ⭐ ❤ ⭐ 😀

      Like

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