Today is Tita Lola’s birthday. I certainly feel a huge shift in my energies around my story with her, one year later.
Last year, on the occasion also of her birthday, I wrote a series of posts in her memory, which you can read here. I was in deep emotional pain as I reflected on my experiences with her. But as I realized recently, and as I blogged about here, revisiting my past was part of my grieving process.
Tita Lola is my mother’s older sister, who dedicated her life to caring for me and my siblings and our grandmother. She didn’t have any regular job. Looking after us became her calling, her mission.
Tita Lola sacrificed so much for my siblings and me. She was so selfless — to a fault. Self-love was certainly not in her list of values. That, plus the state of her mental health that does not fall within “normal” medical standards, made it easier and convenient for us, for me to treat her with disrespect and abuse.
No, I’m not passing on the blame to her. That is precisely my most significant learning and growth opportunity — to take full responsibility for my harsh and cruel treatment towards her, and to see the bigger picture, as I continue to take steps towards forgiving myself, to release me and the ties that bind me to my guilt.
And today, on the occasion of her birthday and 15 years after her passing on, I’m realizing that I had not mourned adequately over her demise. It has taken me this long to begin the process of grieving…and deep healing, thankfully. It is one of those that I have yet to properly grieve over, hence the theme of mourning and grieving that has come up for me recently.
I reviewed the posts that I wrote last year. I have not even completed my series of posts that I wrote about Tita Lola. I ended the last part of the series with “to be continued.”
I’m only realizing now that I haven’t yet concluded that series of posts because I needed first to arrive, in my inner world, at a point of completion in my story with her before I write about its conclusion and share it on this site, to the world outside. A most unintentional process most certainly but one that’s in divine order.
So, how have I evolved from my experiences with Tita Lola? What were the growth opportunities for me? For her, ad others like her whose souls choose mental health challenges as a life path? What did their souls intend to accomplish by signing up for such an assignment? What was my soul contract with her?
I viewed Tita Lola as a burden to the family, but she was, in fact, one of my greatest teachers! I looked at her condition as an “illness,” but I now know that she wasn’t flawed. She was pure perfection. She was perfect for the role that she agreed to portray.
Of course, I didn’t know that then as I was operating only from my limited personality self. But I know that now, thankfully! And I’m now learning to look at people with a mental illness beyond what I see on the external and the physical. Please note, I am saying learning. I know this intellectually, but I’m still in the process of mastering and embodying the teaching to look instead at their Divinity. Isn’t that what NAMASTE truly means? And isn’t that the same for everyone — whether or not they are experiencing some form of disabilities?
One tool that helped me gain clarity and insights about Tita Lola’s condition and my experiences with her is the book of Robert Schwartz on past lives, Your Soul’s Gift: The Healing Power of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born. The chapter that talks about why a soul would choose to experience mental illness reads,
“When Jeshua looked at mentally ill people, he saw not illness but Divinity, not flaw but perfection. And as those people saw their reflection in his eyes, they, too, knew themselves as beings of light: holy, eternal souls temporarily enrobed in physical, human bodies. For the first time, in the mirror of his eyes they saw through and beyond the veneer of the body to the loving essence that animates it. It is for this reason that our future selves and many other nonphysical beings refer to healing as re-membering. If you seek to bring healing to yourself, a mentally ill loved one, or the world, allow a felt sense of yourself as soul to seep into your perception. With that felt sense comes the ability to allow it all to be, the pain and beauty, the torment and joy. Your plan in coming here was to immerse yourself unreservedly, wholeheartedly, and passionately in the sacredness of the human experience. And all of it is exquisitely sacred.”
Jesus showed the example. He indeed showed the way. And yes, it is admittedly quite difficult to do, but that’s precisely what I’m embodying and mastering — Christ/Divine Consciousness.
A few months ago, I wrote about a woman whose personality and state of mental health reminds me so much of Tita Lola. I wrote, “my recent discovery about this woman’s psychological condition is paving the way for my completion of my story with my aunt — perhaps also, to pave the way for yet one more layer of peeling and clearing of my childhood and family wounding.”
My interaction with this woman continues to be a challenge for me. Oh, I know that it’s an opportunity for me to do what I wasn’t able to with Tita Lola. There may be not much that I can undo or re-do. However, I can now do to other individuals with a similar condition as my aunt — such as this woman — what I wasn’t able to do with Tita Lola.
And perhaps, what will effect true healing and forgiveness, is to apply the principle of non-locality of quantum theory and the concept of interrelatedness and interconnectedness of things and beings.
As I interact with this woman and others like her, I can imagine interacting with Tita Lola as well. I can now extend kindness and compassion, respect and understanding, and everything else that I wasn’t able to do with my aunt; I will also no longer do what I shouldn’t have done to Tita Lola.
I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there.
Oh, what a great teacher Tita Lola was! And what a humbling moment of epiphany, on the occasion of her birthday at that! It is her birthday yet, instead of Tita Lola receiving a gift from me, as has been customary when she was still alive, she is the one who has now gifted me with such deep wisdom and profound insight! Not to mention the opportunity to forgive and to heal.
I looked down upon her; I belittled her because of the state of her mental health.
However, I am truly humbled by my discovery. And I write now and bow in all humility and with much gratitude for realizing what a truly highly evolved and courageous soul Tita Lola is — despite her state of mental health, in fact, because of her mental health condition — to have agreed in this lifetime to such a heroic mission!
Thank you, Tita Lola! Happy birthday and thank you for being you!
- Childish and Child-like Was My Aunt — In Memory Of Tita Lola, Part 1
- Dysfunctional Behavior — When Is It Allowable Or Acceptable?
- Pigeons and Doves — Messengers of Mourning
- How Does One Effectively Grieve?
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