How could she have overlooked it? It is such a basic bookkeeping function!!
My shoulders are stiffening; My neck is tensing. I am gritting my teeth. My pulse is speeding. Heartbeat pounding! Adrenaline is rushing through my body.
I am furious! Fuming mad!
I command myself to relax. Calm down. Breathe in…breathe out.
Nope. No can do.
I am so distressed and exhausted that I know I am being triggered. There’s something deep that’s coming up for healing and clearing.
What is being reflected here? What is being brought to my attention and awareness? How much of this accountant’s inefficiency and carelessness in checking my billing statement and payment records is a reflection of my own lack of diligence in monitoring my own income and expenditures?
A lot. And I mean, A LOT.
It’s only recently that I have started to monitor and address my thoughtless spending habit. I am learning, finally, how to truly manage my expenses. I am now becoming more mindful of where I spend my money — thankfully. I am now asking myself, “Is this something that I need or simply want? And why do I want it? Or, why do I think I might need it? How necessary is it really?”
I cringe as I recall how careless my spending practice had been in the past decades. I cringe at all the stuff and activities that I’ve spent on, which largely and only benefited my physical self, my external world, my outer life. What an unwise use of money and a waste of resources! So much waste! I had truly been so, so mindless about my spending.
I’ve realized that I was, unconsciously, accumulating material stuff, and I was spending on items or activities that were feeding nothing but my physical self. As with anything that’s of a pure materialistic nature, one’s enjoyment of it is temporary. A fleeting moment. A superficial feeling.
I’ve also realized that I was accumulating stuff in order to fill in an inner void. And now, I can truly proclaim, with much certainty and conviction, through my direct, personal experience that —
No amount of material stuff can ever satisfy the thirst and hunger of one’s spirit; No amount of material wealth can be the sole or true measure of one’s soul growth.
“Teach others how to fish; Do not give them fish.” — Learning such a lesson the expensive way
I also shake my head in disbelief as I recall how much money I had given away. Yup, given away. Lent. Loaned — even if I knew that the people to whom I loaned the money were in no position at all to ever pay me back.
And, guess what? I did all that in the guise of helping. Oh yes, me and my messianic complex! Me and my caretaking ways and days, which, thankfully I’ve now left behind.
I’ve learned how it’s so much more empowering to teach someone how to fish than to give them fish. And, yes, I learned this lesson the expensive way! A most expensive way!
And I have realized since, that the driving force which was making me give money away was my feeling of unworthiness. I didn’t feel that I deserved the financial resources that were at my fingertips.
My belief then was that the money I earned was “given to me [by God] not for me to simply enjoy whatever it could bring me or buy me, but for me to share with others.” I felt so guilty being blessed with all that financial wealth! Despite that it was a result of my own efforts and doing. Meaning, I didn’t win the lottery anyway, nor did I receive a huge inheritance — every penny was rightfully earned. So, why not simply be grateful and appreciative, right?
Well, I’ve realized that my guilt and false humility were deeply rooted in my very low self-esteem and self-worth issues. I had this huge bucket of false and limiting money-related beliefs and programs — all of which stemmed from my blocked root chakra (“muladhara“), the energy center related to one’s rootedness, survival, security and self-esteem, and which resulted in my distorted view about money and wealth, and an imbalance in my giving and receiving money.
So, I know that the anger that I felt with the bookkeeper’s carelessness is mirroring back to me my own lack of care and concern in my own finances. It reminded me of my careless days of spending which, thankfully, I am now wrapping up for them to shape a chapter in my history.
Thanks to my recent experience with this accountant’s negligence, I am taking my healing and clearing process to another level. Another layer is being peeled away.
As I revisit my previous spending and money-related experiences, I am reviewing, reflecting on, and redefining all my limiting beliefs and views about money, abundance, wealth and prosperity.
And I AM most certainly determined to reprogram myself. I AM committed to uphold only those beliefs and programs which will allow me and empower me to embody a true abundance consciousness.
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