For someone who places a lot of value on faith, I sure had a moment of lapse of judgment.
I didn’t trust and believe enough. My proclamation about the Universe having my back quickly went out the window! HA!!!
I was so full of fear and so desperate. I tightly latched on to whatever glimmer of hope was revealing.
There’s a Filipino proverb which describes my situation quite perfectly. “Ang taong nagigipit, sa patalim ay kumakapit.“ A desperate person will grab on even to a knife’s sharp edge. Or something to that effect.
And grab on to a knife’s sharp edge I did — firmly, and to a double-edged sword at that! 🙂
Where else will I find a readily available beach house, especially at such short notice? Where else will I find a house available for the upcoming summer months, and long-term at that? Rather than head back to Manila and be in the midst of all the Christmas chaos, and then go back to square one in choosing my next island destination, at least I’m assured of a house for the next six months, including and especially during the peak season/summer months, a most rare opportunity.
I sure didn’t have enough faith that I would be looked after — that there could and would be other choices that will become available — more suitable, more supportive, more aligned, plus, mutually beneficial. I was clearly operating purely out of fear-based 3D consciousness!
So, I agreed to the terms set by the owners of the resort even if it felt too one-sided. I sensed that the stipulations were beneficial to them only. Meant to protect them only.
Did I really know that then? How much of what I felt did I trust? How much of the inauthenticity and lack of sincerity did I sense?
Ahhh…to know, to feel, to sense. To trust all these. I was being reminded of precisely that — to trust myself, fully and completely.
Towards the end of our conversation, my headache was too severe to endure.
Oh…maybe I was really just so stressed out before our meeting, hence, my headache. (And I truly was and had been stressed out long before.)
Maybe my hunger only passed me by… (And it also truly did.)
Sure, he may have been a bit too pushy…but he’s probably only just concerned about me, wanting me to get quickly situated, after all my traveling…
My body was already clearly giving me the signals. Yet, I justified my headache with other excuses, rather than just acknowledging the fact that, there truly was an ickiness in this person’s energies — something that my body was completely and loudly rejecting.
Sure, I took note of my body’s warning. I still doubted it though. I even had to verify it with the woman who referred the resort to me. She assured me though that, the owner was really only being helpful, hence, his seeming aggressiveness which I had sensed. And I believed her more than what my body was telling me; I dismissed my headache. I trusted her opinion more than my own body’s wisdom. Huh!
Besides, I was assured of the quietness in the area, one which is suited to my needs and preferences — as a writer and a highly sensitive. I was also even reassured by the owner that he knows exactly what a highly sensitive person is because his supervisor happens to be one. Great! No need to explain or elaborate on what my needs are! It must really be the rightful place for me! √
Also, the sign by the entrance to Punta Ballo Beach explicitly said that it is a place of peace and quiet, confirmed by the resort owner, with the assurance that there was no videoke/karaoke (a Filipino household staple which I find so annoying) or loud music being played. √
The official website of the city government of Sipalay (pronounced si-pah-lie) stated that the resort is accredited by the Department of Tourism (DOT). √
The resort’s website also claimed that it has “a European management,” implying that they’re more professionally run — supposedly though not necessarily. The DOT-accredited resort, and the information provided by the city government — they must certainly be reliable and trustworthy. √
So, with all these going for me, how can I go wrong, right?
Wrong! So, so wrong! All of the above later proved to be falsehoods — all of them with one exception — the message coming from my body!
Recounting the incidents now, I’m still shaking my head in disbelief at what I had eventually uncovered, and what was more revealed later.
In an earlier post, I explained why I had chosen to face such a battle and why I attracted such experiences.
Apart from my own learning and growth opportunities, I was, I AM fulfilling my role as a TruthBarer. A Truth Revealer. Oh, I like that term — Truth Revealer! 🙂
Yet, at the same time, I grimace at the thought of how I could be so trusting of others so much more than myself. How could I be so gullible? How could I believe everything that’s being said and promised, taking their word for it, fully and completely, perhaps even almost blindly — especially since my body was clearly telling me otherwise? Of course, it was only the money and the business that they were after, what else? Argh! Such naivety, Nadine Marie! Me and my learning and growth opportunities! 🙂
Trust — one of my core issues.
Anyone who is severely wounded during the infancy stage develops an issue around trust. The pendulum swings from mistrust to gullibility — manifestations of a blocked root chakra.
And I AM mastering this lesson of trusting while learning the art and skill of discerning.
Thanks to my strong will and determination (alright, my Taurean stubbornness), and to my faith, whatever was left of it — I believed, still, that something ‘good’ was going to come out of all these. Thankfully, I didn’t easily and quickly give up on the city of Sipalay which is located in the southern part of the province of Negros Occidental, Visayas Region, Philippines — even if I surely had every reason to.
And this time, I trusted my own inner voice. I followed my inner prodding. I didn’t allow anyone to influence my choices or sway me away from any of my decisions. I didn’t ask for others’ opinion if I should just forget about Sipalay and simply continue on in my journey, to other more rightful places. Somehow, in spite of, and even in the midst of all the chaos, I knew my time in Sipalay wasn’t up.
And it isn’t. I know it isn’t. My time in Sipalay isn’t up — not yet, at least.
And I know that I can trust myself enough to know, to feel, to sense, if and when it is time — for whatever.
Meantime, more is being revealed….And something good indeed has come out and is coming out of all the chaos!
And in all gratefulness, and with much conviction, I’m so glad, and so proud, that this time, I rightfully, completely trusted — myself more than any other! 🙂 Yay!!! 🙂
- Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development: Psychosocial Development in Infancy and Early Childhood
- Choosing My Battles
- The Power Of The One Cannot Be Outdone
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