Facing My Fear, Saying “No” To My Father, 20 Years Later

I sense a familiarity in the energy, in his personality. The politeness, kindness and generosity he initially shows me truly impresses me. I’m almost swept off my feet!

I’m tempted to be swayed by the false, limiting belief that “It’s too good to be true.” I stop myself. I know I AM so deserving of simply the best. The blessings coming my way is my reward for all the hard work I’ve done in all my travels — literally and otherwise.

But something feels counter-intuitive. Contrived.  Something doesn’t feel quite right. Inauthentic. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Yet I do feel a certain level of comfort with him. More so with his wife. They own the charming cottage where I am to stay for the next five months on the island of Siquijor.

But I’m not completely comfortable. Although I’m actually comfortable with the discomfort. That paradox is also, strangely, all too familiar. I know I already experienced this. Later, it proves to be a comfort zone that, for me to continue to dwell in would only be detrimental to my well-being. The ‘ickiness’ that I feel is due to our misaligned energies. I may have grown up with those familiar dynamics but there comes a time when they need to be outgrown.

And have I truly transcended them?

One main house and two adjacent units, then and now

The physical set up of our living situation is also all too familiar. One main house and two adjacent units.

The owner of the cottage lives in the main house with his wife and two kids. I occupy a nearby cottage. A couple lives on the second unit.

In a few days, I’m brought back in time, 20 years ago…..

It is 1992. My parents finally separate. Among the five children, I’m the only one who chooses to be with Dad. We live in a triplex — my father, his second wife and my half-sister occupy the main house. I stay in an adjoining unit. Another adjacent unit, originally intended for my eldest sister, who later has a reversal in decision and opts to “side” with my mother instead, is rented out to someone else.

Aha! Déjà vu indeed!

The uncannily very similar living set-up and dynamics with the owners — now that explains the familiarity! Partly only though, as would later be revealed.

We’re truly like a family— initially, at least. For a brief while, the set-up works.  It does feel like and could be very much home!

I really am seriously considering it to be my home, my island home.  I even proudly declare to a couple of dear friends, much to their delight, that “I’m home!

Until issues regarding my living situation surface.

And I finally gain clarity on the familiarity in the energy, the feeling of “home” and “family.”  And I ultimately, thankfully, am able to see the bigger picture.

The lack of respect accorded me; Lack of concern; Insensitivity; Invasion of my privacy; Overstepping boundaries; Behaving as if he is king who has the last and only say; The belief that money is the answer and solution to everything; Showing a different persona to the outside world, yet the exact opposite to his very own family, like Jekyll and Hyde; The dynamics of his relationship with his wife particularly the lack of trust and respect.

Wait…. Am I still talking about the owner of the cottage or my father?

Both actually.

Para siyang Tatay ko. (He’s like my father.)” I share my realization with my best friend as soon as I’m able to decipher the all too familiar energies — not realizing then, how much of a big deal that insight was going to turn out.

Facing my fear

The owner’s wife and I quickly start to develop a closeness. I feel more comfortable talking to her. She easily understands me and my needs more than her husband who, just like Dad, isn’t also exactly the easiest person to talk with. It helps that she’s also intuitive and sensitive. So I open up to her more than him — especially when it comes to airing my concerns and complaints in my living situation at the cottage.

Unconsciously though, I’m avoiding interacting with the owner. I feel uncomfortable. I’m hesitant because unconsciously, unknowingly, I fear facing and speaking up to my father. I fear being told “Shut up!” Just as what was habitually done to me by Dad.

But I’m being given the opportunity to do what I wasn’t able to do during my childhood and even in my adult life. To face up to my father and overcome my fear.  To assert myself, express what I feel and give and show love and respect for myself.

I also come across astrology articles saying that the eclipses of the year are of the same configuration and planetary positioning as 19 years ago; Some say 20.

So what has taken place in 1993/1994 is coming up for healing and clearing. A recurring theme indeed for me. (In 1994, I felt so violated and disrespected because my father ransacked my place — in that adjoining unit where I stayed, in that triplex where we lived. But I didn’t utter anything. Not a word. It was the only response I knew and I didn’t know any better. Plus I guess I was too shocked! It would be my last encounter with my father which I posted about here.)

So I finally muster the courage to have a conversation with the owner of the cottage. That fateful conversation takes place, synchronistically in October, the birth month of my father who would have turned 80 on October 1st. It also, synchronistically, takes place on the 18th, the Penumbral Lunar Eclipse!

My intention is to express what I feel — my disapproval of the treatment that I received. I AM not going to simply keep mum about it.

Wait….Am I again thinking about what to say to the owner  or my father?

Both again actually.

I AM going to face the owner AND my father. I AM going to face my fear and overcome it.

And face my father and my fear I did! Yay!!! 🙂

When the owner, and even his wife, on separate occasions, gave me all sorts of excuses which I found ridiculously unreasonable and unacceptable, I said “No” to the unloving, albeit familiar energies.

And I said “No” without just fearfully walking away, as I had in the past. Yay, I did it!!! 🙂

2013 – What a year!

This is what I referred to when I wrote earlier that “I’ve spent this whole month [of October] not only thinking about him [my father], but doing deep healing work on my father-related issues and wounds.” A post written on the occasion of Dad’s 80th birthday.

2013 was a year when my core wounds related to my childhood, family and home, roots and origin, and father issues came up for healing and clearing. It was so ‘in my face!’ 🙂 It is the energies ushered in by my most pivotal Chiron Return astrological phase which I’m still going through. So I know it isn’t over.

Yet even when the Chiron Return cycle period ends, I know it isn’t the end of all the clearing and transitioning, the growing and transforming. All these is a process — an ongoing one. It isn’t a means to an end; It is both the means and the end.

But, whew! What a year and what a shift!

How about you? Any major shifts in 2013? Any recurring theme from 20 years ago that came up in the past year for healing and transmuting, in preparation for yet another new beginning, as we are now commencing 2014?

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2014 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing, where I share my thoughts and reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥
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3 Responses to Facing My Fear, Saying “No” To My Father, 20 Years Later

  1. worlds4god says:

    WOW I can so relate to this. I too am experiencing my Chiron return and have been dealing with healing and facing family issues. Realizing I am NOT to blame for things that happened between my mother and father and step-mother. I was just a kid and they put a lot on me. They did not accept responsibility. I use to feel shameful, I have worked through a lot of those feelings. It still hurts but instead of blaming myself I put the blame on who needs to own it. And I no longer dwell on it.

    My dad still blames my mom for him not raising me. I told him don’t blame her, he needs to take responsibility. I find it strange that him and my step-mother don’t realize how they hurt me. But I no longer hide my hurt. I tell them how I feel. That is the difference. I like myself, I don’t blame myself any longer!! I no longer am ashamed of myself. I still have work to do, but I came a long way in 2013.

    Like

    • Your Chiron must be in the same placement as mine — 4th house as that’s the house associated with childhood and family, home, environment, roots and origin, relationship to the father.

      Kudos to you for all the work and the healing that you’ve done! Indeed, we can only be responsible for ourselves, our own actions, thoughts, feelings, speech, and behaviors — no one else and nothing else.

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experiences and reflections.

      Much Blessings and much Love to you and more clearing and healing in 2014 and beyond! 🙂

      Namaste…♥♥♥NadineMarie♥♥♥

      Like

  2. Pingback: Ushering in the New With the Appearance of GOOSE | Aligning With Truth

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