If you’ve been following this blog site, you may have read that the theme of my healing for this year has been centered around family. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned which I am still mastering is self-assertion through the art and skill of setting boundaries. I even needed to experience laryngitis last year to remind me and make me face my lesson squarely.
I haven’t quite totally come to terms and made peace with my decision to remove myself from my family drama. My family has been trapped in the energy of The Karpman Drama Triangle, a family dynamics found in families of abuse. I haven’t quite fully released my attachment to the bondage. I still have my moments of doubt and guilt about my choice. These moments have become more pronounced in the recent weeks and months. I don’t know when; I don’t know how I’ll ever be guilt-free. I don’t even know if I ever will. But I do know for sure that it is part of my healing process and I am simply trusting and believing in my process, and allowing what needs to unfold and to be revealed.
I just read this morning this recent post from Jennifer Hoffman. I’m so thankful I came across it that I felt compelled to re-blog it. I’m gifted and blessed with much-needed words of comfort, assurance, validation and clarity. I also just finished listening to the archive of Jennifer’s blogtalk radio program which was aired yesterday where she discussed this topic more extensively. You can listen to the replay here. I also particularly love her affirmation,
‘Everyone in my life loves, honors and respects me.’
“Dear Jennifer: I have always been very non-confrontational with everyone in my life, especially my family. After years of trying hard to maintain emotional balance with everyone by being their scapegoat, trying my best to be nice, supportive, and never complaining, I have now stepped into my power and set firm boundaries where I refuse to be drawn into family dramas and choose sides. Since that time, different family members seem determined to cross these boundaries and try to get me involved in dramas that they deliberately create. I don’t know what to do, other than to stop speaking to them altogether. Is there another solution, am I doing something wrong and why do they insist on trying to drag me into these dramas when I want to have a loving, peaceful relationship with them? Is there a soul contract issue at work here and can I do something to change it?
Jennifer’s Answer: Once we change the way we relate to others, we issue an invitation for them to join us in our new energetic space. Sometimes they accept; other times they do not. Your family feels more comfortable interacting with you at the level they like, which is the level of drama and discord. In this way, they are able to take energy from you. When they have to relate to you in the new way, they have to change the way they exchange energy and have to be willing to give energy to you, instead of taking energy from you. It makes them uncomfortable, it’s unfamiliar and that is why they are refusing to join you in a new energy place and insist on trying to get you to do this their way.
There is a soul contract working here, and it involves how you maintain your energy in the face of so much resistance. For them, your presence is an invitation to be more loving, supportive and kind and you are willing to teach them that. But they aren’t interested in learning that from you now. Your family is not giving you too many options here, either do it their way or not at all. This isn’t personal, they just don’t see the value of peaceful, loving relationships in terms of how they exchange energy with others. For them, those kinds of relationships are too much work because they have to participate on a giving level, instead of always taking energy from others.
You did the right thing by setting boundaries, just know that while this makes you feel powerful, it may make others feel powerless and that is where they will be resisting you. Don’t expect others to like or want to respect your boundaries. They don’t have to do that. But you have to respect your boundaries. Feeling the resistance doesn’t make you or your boundaries wrong. You have two options, give up your boundaries and let their drama re-enter your life, or stand firm and keep the incoming energy centered around what you want in your life. You have allowed different people to act as they wanted to in with you and now they have to get used to this new way of being. They will or not and as long as you are clear about how you want people to act around you, they will eventually realize that if they want to any connection with you has to be in a peaceful, loving relationship or there is no connection.
And remember my favorite affirmation ‘Everyone in my life loves, honors and respects me.’”
Copyright (c) 2013 by Jennifer Hoffman.
- Jennifer Hoffman’s Blogtalk radio program (Sept. 26 episode)
- Jennifer Hoffman’s Blog post, Q&A: When Will They Respect My Boundaries?
- Chiron return: A return to my family and childhood wounding
- What I am learning from laryngitis
- The need for personal space
- “That’s because of his aneurysm!” — The beginning of the end of my caretaking days and rescuer role
# # #