They were mean to me. They didn’t care much for how I felt. They hurt me. They didn’t respect me.
The voice is getting louder and louder. I want to run away but I am drowning in my own vast ocean of confusion. My deep sea of negativity.
I silence the nasty words.
I’ve had enough. Go away. Please leave. Leave me. Leave me alone!
But I can’t drive it away. I shouldn’t. It’ll only get louder. It’ll only deepen the hurt. It’ll only take longer for the pain to heal.
I feel stuck. I want to remove the blocks. I feel I’m getting caught in my own web. I am spiraling down the chasm of my own limiting beliefs and disempowering thoughts.
I am being run by my emotional body. My wounded little Nadine is acting out. I need to take better control of the situation. Time to reparent my inner child. To call in the Wise One within to guide me and to lead me out of this turmoil and chaos.
And then Snake shows up.
Snake is a very powerful symbol for healing, alchemy and transformation. It is a universal belief held across various cultures. The symbol of death and rebirth. It is what the shedding of its skin stands for.
Ted Andrews, a foremost resource on animal medicine, explains in his book Animal-Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small,
“To the Native Americans, the snake is a symbol of transformation and healing. In Greece the snake was also a symbol of alchemy and healing. The god Hermes carried a staff upon which were entwined two snakes. This caduceus symbol is the primary symbol of modern medicine and doctors. It is a symbol of wisdom expressed through healing. In India the goddess Vinata was the mother of snakes and a symbol of water and the underworld.
Before the snake begins to shed its skin, its eyes will begin to cloud over [giving it] a trancelike appearance. Mystics and shamans [view] this as the ability of the snake to move between the realms of the living and the dead, of crossing over from life to death and then back to life again. As the skin begins to shed, the eyes begin to clear as if they will see the world anew. For this reason, alchemists often believed that wisdom and new knowledge would lead to death and rebirth, enabling the individual to see the world from an entirely new perspective.”
Expect death and rebirth when Snake appears. Not an actual death but a transition. And see from a new perspective.
Another leading practitioner on animal totem is Steven Farmer. In his book, Spirit Guides: An Easy-to-Use Handbook for Identifying and Understanding Your Power Animals and Animal Spirit Helpers, he explains to call on Snake when,
“You’re going through a major life or developmental transition, one so powerful that it requires you to shed a lot of attachments, especially to your old identity. You’re moving into unknown territory, a passage through darkness, and you’re feeling afraid that you won’t get through it and are anxious about what lies ahead. You need a healing of any kind. You need help in releasing any and all self-destructive or self-defeating tendencies or habits.”
There really isn’t anything new with these messages. I already know them. I know it is a most intense time of healing for me. Major transition. Huge shifts and transformation.
My dilemma has been how do I get through this? What do I need to do to transcend it? To rise above it. To move beyond the emotions which have been wearing me down.
Give myself a voice, especially my little Nadine. Let myself express. Speak my truth. Release all repressed feelings.
That’s what I need to do.
And I need to simply keep on writing. At the same time, be vigilant and be conscious that I can be truthful but not hurtful.
The story behind my story
Writing is a way for me to express myself. It is an alchemical process and it has been quite healing for me.
Why do I write, really? Why am I revisiting and writing about my past?
Because it helps me rewrite the story of my life. It makes me tell not my story, no longer simply my story, but the story behind my story.
I know I cannot change the past. I have no intentions to.
But I do want to change how I view my past. To see it through a different set of lenses. Just like the snake, when “the skin begins to shed, the eyes begin to clear as if they will see the world anew.”
“We can’t change the past, but we can change our relationship to it.”
Why did it happen? Why did I choose it to happen? Why did my soul agree to such a contract? What spiritual agreements are being fulfilled? What was my soul to gain?
These are the questions that I want answered as I revisit my past and write about it. It’ll give me the sense of completion, of closure — to make peace with what was. To come full circle. Be done with it, once and for all. To let go of what could have or what might have. What should or shouldn’t have.
And then I can be more at peace with what is.
I’m clear that my aim is to go beyond the story, to go past the hurts and the pain, the blame and the shame, the grudges and grievances.
My aim is to see the love that is hidden in the twists and turns of the seemingly endless saga. The love that I want to remember is in each person in the narrative. The love that I have for each character, for each member of my family, and everyone else in the story. The same love that they have for me.
My intention is to see the love that is woven in the story. The love that is weaving the story. The love that is the story. To arrive at the conclusion that all it is, is a story of love.
And thankfully, Snake’s appearance is ushering the way for precisely just that to happen.
To be continued
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