So Long, Tita Lola — In Memory Of Tita Lola (Part 4)

What’s happening? Why is this happening? Oh God! What am I supposed to do? You’ll be ok. I think. I hope. I don’t know. Oh God, no. Please. Don’t. Please, God…..

She’s lying down helplessly on the hospital ICU bed. I’m closely standing by her left side. Her palm firmly presses against mine. I watch her in such excruciating pain. She’s struggling so hard even for the most miniscule amount of air, in the hope, hers and mine, that it’ll somehow find its way into her stiffening body.

Her eyes are glaring. She’s forcefully shaking her head. Desperately gasping for air. As her head turns to my direction, she gives me a pained stare. She stares at me but she’s not seeing me. She’s seeing beyond me. Through me. Like I’m not there. The look of fear.

Her grip is getting tighter and tighter. As though she wants to grab on to me. But her arms, her legs, her whole body tightens up, forcing itself hard against the mattress. The bed jolts from the forceful jerking of her body.

Her face is turning pallid. Pain written all over her face. Panting. Frantically grasping for the breath of life. That one last breath of life. She is fighting for life, as her heart is failing her. She’s holding on to dear life.

I watch her feeling helpless. I am helpless…seeing her feeling helpless.

Fear and powerlessness. Disappointment and frustration. Resentment and bitterness. I sense all these. I feel all these — from her, and from within me.

I want to move away. The sight is too much for me to bear. There’s nothing I can do except hold her hand and stroke her arm.

Surrender. Be in the moment. Be with her. Be there for her.

 It’s all I can do.

She starts to vomit. For a moment, I panic. I hold out a trash can. It starts to get really frightening.

Is she going to make it?

My own heart beat races fast. I feel my head begin to swell. Dryness in my mouth and throat. The muscles around my neck and shoulders begin to stiffen up. My ears warm up.

How can Mom possibly make my aunt miss my nephew’s graduation? Mom, how could you? This is your fault you know. You and your scheming ways!

Mom is standing at the foot end of the bed. Simply watching. Probably in shock. Maybe even feeling guilty. I hope she is. I hope you’re feeling guilty Mom, for one of your childish and selfish decisions.  You and your cunning ways!

Mom isn’t doing anything. She’s not saying anything. I dart a look at my mother but I hardly look at her after that. I avoid eye contact. I really don’t want to look at her. I’m still making sense of something so unthinkable — Mom’s way of getting back,  of getting even with my eldest sister — planning a trip and taking my aunt with her, and scheduling the trip around the time of my nephew’s graduation, her very own eldest grandson, for her and my aunt to deliberately miss it, an occasion that my aunt certainly doesn’t want to miss. Something that has caused my aunt much disappointment and heartache for sure.

And now…here she is, fighting for dear life.

I am fuming mad but my thoughts are interrupted as the shaking of her body suddenly comes to a halt, with her head turned towards my direction. She’s staring at me. A frozen gaze. Her face is frozen. Dropped jaw. Mouth open. Her eyes are glaring. A piercing look. Her body stops struggling. Everything comes to a standstill. All the movements stop. The resistance, the wrestling, the panting…gone.

I step aside as the doctor pumps his hands on her chest. A device is used to jolt her heart, to normalize the heart beat.

But her heart beats no more. She aches no more.

Tama na Nadine. Bobby, huwag na. (Enough Nadine. Bobby that’s enough.)” Her voice quivers as Mom pleads to the cardiologist.

It is best to let her go.  It is time to do so. It is time. It is done. She is gone.

Silence. Deafening silence.

I approach the bed and once more, I hold her now limp hand. I plant a kiss on her forehead, and I stroke her cheek gently.

So long, Tita Lola.

Related articles:

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

Advertisements

About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
This entry was posted in Healing, Relationships, Spirituality and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to So Long, Tita Lola — In Memory Of Tita Lola (Part 4)

  1. lisalday111711 says:

    very powerful writing about a very powerful moment in your life. And the pain drips from every word you wrote. It is so hard to watch someone you love fight for their life and lose the battle. I know your aunt is with you and telling you she is in no more pain and the only thing she feel now is her unconditional love for you.
    Lisa

    Like

    • Yes Lisa, thank you.

      The end of her life was the end of her suffering. Why deprive her of that? And without getting ahead of myself and getting ahead of my other posts which I’m still editing, I was really so relieved and thankful that she “lost the battle.” While I was watching her in pain, and I was wondering if she’d make it, part of me actually wished she wouldn’t. I’ve seen her suffer enough — during her last moments and for most of her life.

      And I am most certainly feeling her love — more so now than ever.

      Thanks again Lisa for taking the time to read and to comment and for extending compassion. It means a lot to me.

      Much blessings and much love to you,
      ♥♥♥NadineMarie♥♥♥

      Like

  2. Pingback: Unexpected yet inevitable — In memory of Tita Lola, Part 5 | Aligning With Truth

  3. Pingback: Do You Cry For the Dead or For the Living? | Aligning With Truth

Any thoughts or feelings while Aligning With Truth?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s