“Don’t walk away mad. Just walk away.”

These were the words in a signage which was prominently displayed on the wall of my father’s office. I can’t recall whose words they’re from.

Admittedly, it’s something that I haven’t quite fully embodied. I haven’t quite practiced it in all situations in my life. There have been many a situation when I did walk away mad. Enraged. Bitter. Resentful. Almost cursing the place or person. A mere mention of the place turns me into a raging bull that was waved a red cape.

But I wanted to break the pattern. I wanted to learn the lesson and take it a step furthering to mastering it.

My most recent experience here in the island of  Camiguin provided me just that opportunity.

I was so full of anger as a result of the really nasty encounter that I had with the owner of the cottage that I lived in.

I felt disrespected. I felt deceived. I felt dishonored.

Oh yes, another opportunity to set boundaries. And assert myself I did. I asserted my rights. I stood up for myself. I did speak up. Loud and clear. Yey!!! 🙂

Admittedly though, I matched her anger and really low vibrating energies with my own anger which only brought down my vibrational frequency. I matched her pain-body with my pain-body.

And I was so enraged that the thought of not coming back to the island of Camiguin crossed my mind. To not come back EVER. The same energy and state of mind that I had in my previous island explorations.

I was so focused on our awful confrontation that my anger was beginning to make me have a distorted view about my overall experience in the island. At one point, I ruled out the possibility of Camiguin being my island home. And I may still end up with that conclusion. But I want to arrive at that decision only when I would have healed and transmuted all the toxic emotions that ran through my system.

I don’t mean to pass on the blame on others. But it didn’t help that the people whom I chose to talk with were telling me things that even added to my confusion. Too much negative energies were being circulated. I was reaching out to them to vent and to seek clarity and guidance. I ended up having to explain to them what the bigger picture was. I was giving them the words of wisdom that I was hoping I was going to get from them. To help me not continue to spin in my energy of anger and confusion. Oh, it was so exhausting! I felt so depleted.

And yet another lesson on setting boundaries

I have realized though that those interactions were in itself another lesson on setting boundaries for me. I could have put a stop to the conversation when I felt that it was no longer productive. When I realized that there was an imbalance in the energies, I could have simply said no to the exchange. There was no need for me to have to make them fully understand what my life story is or why I attracted this situation into my life. What’s important is I am learning my lessons. I know what the reasons are behind such seemingly untoward incidents. I am gaining clarity on what the messages are behind my experiences.

I’ve also realized that the energy that was being hurled at me by these people who were negating and contradicting my judgments and decisions, were in fact, paradoxically, helping me stay strong in my resolve. They were actually helping me gain even more clarity. The more they contradicted, the more I was pushed to be clear and stay firm. Indeed, there’s always a gift and a blessing in everything. I simply need to find it.

Yet despite all the confusion and the chaos, I was adamant and I was clear about one thing — I didn’t want to leave this island angry. I didn’t want to take it with me back to Manila, or to my next island destination, or even if and when I do decide to come back to Camiguin, be it for a vacation or a more permanent stay.

“Don’t walk away mad. Just walk away.”

Breaking the pattern of anger

I’ve already realized that when I started my search for my geographical home in September 2010, I was so full of anger. It was because of all my unpleasant experiences in Manila. I took that anger with me to the first island that I explored.

And each island adventure and destination thereafter ended up being a misadventure, with each stay being abruptly ended. Something tragic needed to happen to shake me up and end my stay quite suddenly. Camiguin is the sixth destination in my travel adventure in my search for my geographical home and the pattern continues. It most certainly is high time that I break the pattern.

So in the midst of the turmoil, my intention and my prayer was precisely that. To break the pattern.

“Don’t walk away mad. Just walk away.”

By the time I left the cottage one week after my dispute with the owner, much of my anger dissipated. When I was giving my final payment and turning over the house keys, I expressed myself and my feelings in a much calmer tone.

I don’t mean to sound judgmental towards my countrymen but it is a Filipino cultural thing (and yes, Asian in general) to avoid direct confrontation. Still, I felt a bit irked when the owner started to turn away from me even as I was still speaking and expressing myself. Maybe due to guilt, uneasiness, discomfort, shame, or perhaps avoidance, as she simply didn’t know what to do or didn’t know any better.

Yet whatever her reason may be, I didn’t allow her to dismiss me and reject my efforts of reaching out — even if I was already the one who was not accorded the respect and courtesy to begin with, especially since I was her guest and tenant, the very reason why I decided to leave the cottage, albeit suddenly. And her response of turning away from me was once more a sign of lack of respect.

happylittlegirlBut my little Nadine was smiling so brightly because she felt so honored and respected. My little Nadine felt she did matter when I stopped the owner from her attempt to “walk out” on me.

It was so liberating and so empowering!

I felt and sensed though that the owner didn’t receive my gesture wholeheartedly. I sensed that she may still have been harboring much resentment. Quite understandably I guess. Or maybe she simply didn’t know how to handle it. And perhaps she could be so used to simply ignoring conflicts, pretending that everything is okay, or she is okay, rather than dealing with it squarely. Again, a Filipino cultural thing. Who knows.

But whatever was going on with her is no longer my concern. What matters is, I asserted myself and gave myself permission to express my feelings. I took a step to silence the voice within me which was making me feel fearful of expressing what I felt because I could be told, “Shut up!” Just as Dad and Mom often did.

And more significantly, I am breaking the pattern of leaving a place full of angst and disgust. I need not be resentful just because a place turns out to be a disappointment, or that it turns out to be not the place for me.

“Don’t walk away mad. Just walk away.”

I will be leaving this magical island of Camiguin in a couple of days.  Two weeks ago, I couldn’t wait to leave this island.

Now, I’m making the most of my remaining time here, even wishing I had more time, as I am enjoying the water tremendously and the glorious golden sunsets.

Camiguin Island, Philippines Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth. Click image for a 2-minute sunset video.

Camiguin Island, Philippines Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth.

And I am filled only with fond memories and much gratitude and appreciation for all that I’ve experienced, even and especially the unpleasant ones, as they have been the source of the most growth and transformation for me.

Related post (continued from ) – And my search for my geographical home continues:  My Camiguin Journey

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Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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4 Responses to “Don’t walk away mad. Just walk away.”

  1. thank you its such an important thing to learn to cut with the energies that we project which hurts us. We value this article, this post becuase its so honest about when its time for us to reclaim our peace. thank you for it a lot

    Like

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