It’s been a while since I’ve last posted. It’s not that there isn’t much to post about. On the contrary, there’s been a lot going on. A lot I want to write about and share. And I mean A LOT. I don’t even know where to begin.
I’ve written quite a while back about how unhappy I am in Manila. I came back to the Philippines at just around this time, end of May, three years ago. It was after a four-year sojourn in Northern California. Truth be told, the past three years have just been a struggle for me, particularly with my living situation.
I’ve mentioned that I no longer resonate with the energy of Manila or any city for that matter. Even while I was still in Northern California, I already knew that.
But I thought I could make a go of it — thinking and believing that Manila is where I could make the most contribution. It is where the mainstream is and where the most people are. Therefore, the “more” people I could “help” and whose lives I could touch, the “more” fulfilled I could be and accomplish my mission.
Thankfully, I’ve since redefined that and I’ve become clearer on what it means to make a contribution, what it means to make a difference — that there are numerous ways that I can carry out my life work and mission, other than what I had originally envisioned and believed, when I was operating from a 3D level of consciousness. Ways I never imagined possible or even dreamed about.
What led to my search for a place I can call “home”
Not long after I arrived in Manila, in August 2010, I fell ill. My system was simply going haywire. I did the best I could to re-adjust and re-adapt. But it was such a pain and a struggle. The joy that I experienced while living in Northern California and which I brought with me quickly went out the window.
Getting ill pushed me to redefine for myself what it was that I wanted to “do” in terms of my mission and life work. An illness back in 1998 was already what started my healing journey and awakening process. My well-being has since been a top priority. Why then am I subjecting my body and my system to such harsh energies? Why am I allowing my body to experience less than loving energy from the environment or the people? Just in order for me to be able to share my gifts and talents and “help” others? What about the vehicle, my body, through which I am going to carry out my work? It didn’t make sense. Clearly, there was a misalignment. Something wasn’t right.
Forget about helping others Nadine. Forget about giving priority to making a difference to other people. Focus on yourself. Make yourself your priority. Love yourself enough to accept and allow only loving and kind energies in and around you — from people, places, and situations.
Ahhh…me and my messianic complex. Me and my caretaking tendency. Me and the limiting and false belief that I can only find fulfillment and live a purpose-driven life when I am being of service to others and helping them, being selfless and neglecting myself. 😦
My illness pushed me to finally admit and be at peace with the fact that Manila simply is no longer the place for me. I started my search for my geographical home on earth. Specifically, an island that would call me and tell me, “Welcome home.”
I am now in the island of Camiguin. But not for long.
Camiguin is located in Mindanao, the southern part of the Philippines. I’ve been here since December 2012. And I’ve been to three other islands which didn’t quite work for me before I was led to Camiguin. In future posts, I’ll share my experiences in those islands, realizations and lessons learned.
As far as Camiguin is concerned, when I first arrived here, it wasn’t as if I immediately felt that this was the place for me.
Was that already a red flag? Most likely. I didn’t dismiss it though. I took note of it. But I gave myself time. I gave the island and myself a chance to get to know each other and see if we can develop a more long-term relationship.
And the island of Camiguin grew on me. The more I explored and discovered what she has to offer, the more I was getting to like her.
In the past five months that I’ve been here, I discovered things that I like about the island which I didn’t experience in other places. Yet I also am still looking for a few other things that I’ve seen, felt and experienced in other locations which are not quite here. I’ll share the details in future posts.
Is Camiguin the island from whom I heard, “Welcome home”?
But it was my home for the past five months. And where I’m at now is preparing to head back to Manila. For how long? I don’t know.
The decision for me to head back was something that came quite abruptly. Oh, it was such a stressful and exhausting week for me! Something took place between me and the owner of the cottage that I was renting which pushed me to move out. I was so angry and full of negativity. Our really unpleasant encounter took place on May 11, around the time of the solar eclipse on May 9/10.
I already knew at some level that my living situation at the cottage, or maybe even in the island itself in general, was no longer serving my best interest.
But I held on. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let go. I was in my comfort zone. I didn’t want the inconvenience of starting all over. Again. Before I knew it, or perhaps because I didn’t want to admit it, I was actually settling for less.
And when the time is up for any situation or relationship, when it has reached its expiration date, and we still push our luck, and we’re a little bit off course, the Universe supports us by setting us up in situations which would finally push us, in order for us to remove ourselves from the unhealthy situation or person.
A nudge. A push. A jolt. A wake up call.
Whatever it takes for us to take action that’s most in alignment with our soul growth and journey.
I’m getting much more relaxed now. I’m also getting much clearer on what my lessons are. I’m also thankful that I’m no longer angry. I’m now keeping myself open to the possibility of coming back here. An option that wasn’t even there at the height of my anger. Be it for a vacation or to continue my abruptly ended living situation…I still don’t know.
All I know is I am thankful that Camiguin, with the variety of her terrain (white and black sand beaches, waterfalls, hot and cold springs, treks, lush greenery, seven volcanos) provided me with the environment and energies through which I was able to go so much deeper into my healing and clearing process and inner work.
I was so inspired to write.
I was able to overcome my fear of speaking up about some really deep stuff. I found the courage to bare my heart and soul out into the world through my blogging.
I’ve become even so much more comfortable and “at home” being in the water. My relationship with the water element is in parallelism with the depth and extent of my inner work.
I learned to adjust and to adapt to a “new” and different culture and environment. The island and her people provided me with yet more opportunities to set boundaries. To assert myself. To be even more comfortable with being who I am, no matter how different I am from the majority.
I became clearer on what works for me and what doesn’t, particularly in my choice of my geographical home on earth.
Someone recently told me, “There really is no such thing as a perfect place,” to which I responded, “I respect that but I have a different view. One only needs to be clear on what one is looking for in a place and what brings them joy, and then that becomes the perfect place for them.” And my Camiguin experience, if anything, brought me a step closer to what that perfect place looks and feels like.
More importantly, I became clear that struggle is no longer something that I want in my life. It doesn’t have to be part of my reality. I don’t want it to be.
I want only peace, joy and happiness. Nothing to be guilty about it because it is something that I so deserve. And I only need to make the choice.
Joy can be a way of life. And I AM choosing that for myself. Because I deserve nothing less.
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