It took a while for me to get to this place, where being of service to others by taking care of them is no longer what gives me joy.
For the longest time, my guiding questions have been, “How can I contribute to the growth of this person? How can I use my gifts and talents to make a difference to this individual? How can I best serve this person or situation?”
For a while, that belief pattern worked. I did experience fulfillment. A lot. And so much joy.
Somewhere along the way though, I felt depleted. Drained. Exhausted.
I realized I was allowing myself to be blindsided by the prevalent thinking that to be selfless is a sure ticket to Heaven.
Me and my messianic complex
Hallelujah! I’ve been brought into the life of this individual for me to save them from their torment. Jesus lived his life to show me the example. He saved the world. And I too am being called to live like Jesus. To carry the cross for others. The cross which represents the crosses of the collective. To suffer for them, if that is what will save them from their own damnation and be forgiven for their sins. I am being called. It is my calling and I am heeding the call. It is my grandest mission and I am honored to the task. I am earning brownie points. I am sure to be allowed to enter the gates of Heaven where St. Peter waits joyously, ready to welcome and greet me at the door! 🙂 Oh yes, me and my messianic complex! 🙂
I don’t mean to make a mockery of the Christian teachings and traditions. I am a recovering Catholic but I have not renounced my Christian faith. I still am a huge “fan” of the Master Jesus, as well as other Ascended Masters.
I simply have shifted my personal beliefs about him and his teachings. What it means to “save” the world and what my role is in achieving that.
The world needs no saving. The world needs only loving. The world simply needs to be loved. And I can love the world by being love, embodying love, living in and through love. By loving ME first and foremost.
And isn’t love the crux of Jesus’ teachings?
Smile and the world smiles with you; Shine your Light and the world lights up with you
When I love myself, my light shines so brightly. I live in joy. My world lights up. I light up. And I light up the path that I tread.
Along the way, unknowingly, I touch other beings I come into contact with. I make a difference in their lives. Without me even realizing it or without making any effort at all. Without me setting that as my goal. It is organic. It simply, naturally, effortlessly happens.
On the other hand, when my focus and my efforts are on others, on how I can contribute to them, on how I can make a difference, how I can lighten their burden or what I can do to help ease their pain, how I can make them get their lesson, what legacy I can leave behind, how I want to be remembered when I transition, what I want to be said about me in my eulogy, or how I want my epitaph to read, then I am turning over my power, all of my power to others. And in doing so, I am actually dimming my own light.
I’ve realized that I was neglecting the very being to whom I can make the most difference. The very being that I am tasked to assist in growing and evolving. The very being whose self-mastery I have the assignment and the mission to contribute to.
And it is so freeing to let go of that unnecessary burden that I’ve put on myself.
And I hear what Savannah (beloved) is saying. In her response to Brenda Hoffman’s post which was actually what triggered this post, Savannah (beloved) talked about the challenge of balancing between taking care of one’s self and being a responsible parent. I so hear you. I’m not even a parent and yet my plate is full taking care of me, what more others!
How I am transitioning
I can’t recall exactly when the shift in my energies and perception happened or what led to it. I just started to feel a disconnect and resistance to playing the savior and martyr role. It simply didn’t feel right to me anymore and didn’t ring true to me. I started to feel burdened and obligated. Joy went out the window.
Plus, any effort that I made in manifesting any work was met with one block after another. Because I was operating out of a savior role, instead of working on something simply for the sheer joy of doing it.
One individual whose work has helped me tremendously and guided me during my transitional phase is Karen Bishop. Her books and her writing have been like my “bible,” particularly with getting clarity on what I was sensing was what my life work and purpose is really supposed to be, and why I was feeling the shift in my beliefs and perceptions.
And there is one sign that signaled that my energies have indeed shifted.
The lesson that I’m mastering is self-expression and self-assertion. Setting boundaries is one way that I’m achieving this. And I’m in a country, the Philippines, where apathy has become such a chronic social disease, and where boundaries are unheard of. So I’m really given countless opportunities to assert myself.
One way that apathy manifests in the Filipino culture is how the majority of the Filipinos have learned to simply go along with the people’s lack of respect of boundaries. Even if they themselves are irked by such behavior.
“Eh ganun eh, kultura na yan eh (That’s how it is, it’s a cultural thing).” It is the general response and attitude.
And it is an attitude that has been triggering something in me. Giving me an opportunity to master my lesson of self-assertion and self-expression.
To put my foot down because it simply isn’t acceptable to me. To not condone. To not tolerate. To speak out. To express myself and assert my rights. My right to privacy and personal space. Even if such a concept is alien to the average Filipino.
There are those who find what I do commendable. They say, “Oh, when you tell them that, you’ll never know what they’re learning from you.” Implying that those who are clueless about boundaries are the ones who will eventually learn their lesson of how to honor and respect boundaries. Therefore, I ought to continue what I’m doing because it is what will help others change.
And maybe they will. And yet maybe they won’t.
Back in my martyr and savior days, I certainly held the same stand. And I’d take pride that I am being used as an instrument to teach others their lesson.
“Oh, the reason I am attracting this situation is in order for me to help shift their attitude and behavior about boundaries. This is why I am being brought to this individual. So I can teach about boundary setting. And when I do so, I am carrying out my mission, making a contribution to others and making a difference in someone else’s life.”
Nothing can be farther from the truth. My truth at least. And my truth for now.
Because my truth of the matter is, I am attracting such a situation or individual in order for me to learn what I’m supposed to. It is a growth opportunity for me.
It’s not about them. It is about me.
Making a difference
When I learn what I need to, and the individual involved likewise learns and grows, their growth is simply bonus. When they don’t learn anything, it doesn’t diminish my growth and evolution. Even if nothing has shifted in them, it doesn’t diminish my contribution to this planet and humanity. I still would have accomplished my mission. I still would have made a difference.
As I was preparing to leave Northern California in 2010 to set up my healing practice in the Philippines and make a contribution to the Filipino nation, a dear and beloved spiritual counselor and friend, Devin Hunter who is currently based in Walnut Creek, California, left me with these wise words. He said that my guides were adamant that I remember them —
“If you could make a difference only in one person’s life, you would have done your work.“
I took those words to heart. But it’s not until recently that I realized the meaning behind them. And it’s become so much clearer to me who that one person is in whose life I could make a difference.
And the questions that I now ask to help me discern and choose what to do with an individual or a situation are,
How is this serving me? And is this bringing me joy?
- You Don’t Need to Return to Battle Trenches (www.lifetapestrycreations.wordpress.com)
- Q&A: Who are you trying to rescue? (www.networkedblogs.com)
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