My need for approval: 50 years later

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.

There’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit
One life so it’s time to open up your closet
Life’s not worth a damn
Till you can shout out

I am what I am

Sounds familiar? They’re from Gloria Gaynor’s 80s hit song, I AM WHAT I AM. I came across a post through my twitter timeline which refers to it. Synchronistically, just as I was putting together this post.

As I’ve shared earlier, when I was born fifty-one years ago, I was rejected for the color of my skin. I was an ugly-looking, dark-skinned baby. It is what led me to spend the rest of my life seeking for approval — for who and what I am.

Today, I find myself still looking for approval. It just dawned on me that I’m seeking for the approval of my family of origin. Still. For the choice that I’ve made with regards to distancing myself from them.

My little Nadine who has been seeking for approval for the color of her skin, for how she looked when she was born, and for being yet another daughter, instead of a son, is once more seeking for validation and affirmation from my family of origin. That there’s nothing wrong with me.  There’s nothing wrong with my decision to distance myself from them.

“Right” place, “right” time – Everything is indeed in divine and perfect order and timing

Interestingly, what better place for me to be in, literally, than a country which gives so much value to family and keeping the family together, the Philippines. No matter what, as the average Filipino has been programmed to believe.

Once more, and maybe hopefully, one last time, I’m facing this situation.  For yet another deeper, if not perhaps, final layer of clearing and healing.

Being estranged from one’s family is not the cultural norm in this country. It immediately brings up everyone’s judgments and self-righteousness. One is bound to be labelled as “bad” daughter [child] or “bad” sister [sibling]. The black sheep. And I totally understand where that’s coming from.

I’m realizing that it’s one reason why I needed to come back to the Philippines. To help me stand firm and stay strong in my resolve with regards to my family situation.

The Philippines is providing me the environment where I can strengthen my muscle of being who I truly am.  To express myself.  Regardless if and especially since I’m so different from the majority.

The Philippines and her people are helping me to be very comfortable and “at home” in and with my own skin. Literally and otherwise. To be “at home” with who I am becoming and evolving into — even as I am being surrounded by others who, not only are different, not only are clueless, but are finding it difficult to understand or relate to who and what I AM, the choices and decisions I am making, my beliefs, values, philosophies and lifestyle. Not to mention my hairstyle! 😉

My days of fitting in and wanting to belong in order to be accepted have long been gone. I’m now being given the opportunity to take my learning a step further to master it. To be very confident and very comfortable in expressing my uniqueness. Without any excuses. Without any justifications.  Without any explanations. As none of that is necessary. Even and especially my estrangement from my family.

Gloria Gaynor - I Am What I Am (Coney Island, July 12, 2012). Click to watch and sing and dance with her! :-)
Gloria Gaynor – I Am What I Am (Live in Coney Island, New York July 12, 2012). Click to watch, sing and dance with her, and shout out, “I AM WHAT I AM!” 🙂

Which is why I can so relate with Gloria Gaynor’s “I AM WHAT I AM.” Not only for its music as it was a hit during my time, the 70s, the era of the disco. But because I so resonate with the lyrics. Guess I’m being prodded to download it and use it as my cell phone ringtone! 🙂

And to those who resonate and can relate, please join me and let’s “shout out” —

I am what I am

I am God’s own special creation

So come take a look and give me the hook or the ovation

I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not try to see things from a different angle

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
Life’s not worth a damn
Till you can shout out,

I AM WHAT I AM!

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Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

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About NadineMarie (Aligning With Truth)

I find much joy & fulfillment in sharing my experiences & insights through writing & blogging. I created the site, ALIGNING WITH TRUTH as a virtual center for healing where I share my thoughts & reflections, as well as the tools & resources that are helping me as I move along the path of awakening & coming home to the Self. As I live in joy & align with Truth, I AM shining my Light which is how I contribute to the planetary & humanity ascension. Blessed be. Namaste...💗💖💜Nadine Marie💜💖💗
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8 Responses to My need for approval: 50 years later

  1. lauriesnotes says:

    Standing firm helps others to do the same, I think. I also still look for approval- Even in writing my blog. I find I look to see if I am doing it “right,” I love what you wrote about embracing uniqueness. I will carry that with me. Thanks.
    Love,
    Laurie

    Like

    • lauriesnotes says:

      I AM WHAT I AM! 🙂

      Like

    • Laurie dear, and so it is with me. It’s only also recently that it became so much clearer to me that I’m also seeking for approval in my writing and blogging. And I’ll be blogging about it and share my reflections and realizations.

      I’m glad you resonated with expressing and embracing our uniqueness and will carry it with you. To be awake is the minority. It is the path less travelled and it can really get lonely and isolating. Yet I wouldn’t trade it for anything more conventional and traditional. I am unique. I am a maverick. ☀

      And again, I join Gloria in shouting out, I AM WHAT I AM. Take me for what I am. Take it or leave it. 🙂

      Thanks again for visiting and sharing your reflections. Much Blessings and Much Love to you as well Laure! 🙂
      ♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥

      Like

    • What happens at the individual level affects and impacts the collective. Indirectly, eventually. So yes Laurie, “standing firm helps others to do the same.” You just exemplified it and heeded the call because of your readiness! 🙂 Many thanks…Namaste…♥♥♥Nadine Marie♥♥♥

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