“Ay, bakit ganyan ang itsura ng anak ko? Ang itim-itim! (Oh, why does my child look like that? So dark-skinned!)”
Huge disappointment was clearly behind those words. They were uttered by my mother after having seen me for the first time after she gave birth to me — her yet another daughter. An ugly-looking one at that.
I am the third in five children. The middle child. Two years after I was born, the birth of my brother, the only boy, was welcomed with much joy and excitement. After three daughters in a row, the birth of a son was reason for much celebration in the family. Earning him the spot of being my mother’s favorite, as well as my maternal grandmother’s.
I suffered rejection from my mother as well as from my father. At the onset of my incarnation in this lifetime, I was already “wrong.”
Wrong color of skin. Wrong gender. Wrong physical appearance.
And I would grow up coming up with the conclusion that not only was there something wrong with me, everything about me seems to be wrong.
I was often teased. Nowadays, it’s called “bullied.”
“Negrita of the mountain!” (“Negrita” is Spanish word for black girl, negra.) “Igorota!” (a female member of an indigenous tribe in the northern part of the Philippines who are known for, among others, their very dark skin tone. Sadly, indigenous people aren’t generally given much respect in the Filipino society.) These were names constantly hurled at me by my family.
My skin tone was different from all my other siblings who are fair-skinned. I was ridiculed and shamed for my appearance. It’s sad that, thanks to the prevalent and long-held colonial mentality of the Filipinos, my fellow countrymen have yet to truly embrace their being brown-skinned.
I resented the teasing and shaming but I kept my feelings to myself. A pattern that found its way well into my adult life.
Such is the story that my soul has chosen in this lifetime. Embedded are the agreements that I made with members of my family, which provided the family setting that would offer me my growth opportunities and soul evolution in this incarnation.
Today, I am mastering the lesson of self-expression. And I am overcoming all fears associated with it.
I’m also overcoming any self-rejection tendencies and embracing all of me — including and most especially my brown skin tone. It has since become a source of jealousy from others, especially when I’m donning a glowing golden tan! 🙂 And boy do I flaunt it, deliberately making others jealous when I’m in a naughty mood, wanting to give my inner child extra attention! 😉
More importantly, that’s only external. Inner beauty and inner peace is more lasting and more alluring. And that is my focus more than anything.
Chiron’s story of rejection
Interestingly, synchronistically, the mythological story of Chiron isn’t any different.
Being half-human and half-animal (half-horse), he was likewise rejected by his parents. His father is the Greek god Kronus (Saturn). His mother is Philyra, a beautiful sea-nymph who couldn’t accept him for being different. Philyra was so ashamed to see the centaur-like form of Chiron, so she prayed to the gods to make her into a tree and abandoned Chiron. He would later become a great healer, astrologer, respected oracle and wise teacher.
In my previous post about the inner child, I shared that I was raised in an abusive environment — something that, once again, my soul contracted. The energy of abuse is therefore familiar territory to me.
Prior to my awakening, I was seeking the same energy unconsciously. Before I became aware of what my lessons are and what tools I could use to heal myself, I simply and unknowingly tolerated and perpetuated abusive treatment and overstepping of boundaries from people in my life — be it family, friends, romantic partners, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers.
And I also treated other people with less respect. I was switching back and forth between being the victim and the perpetrator/persecutor. At times I’d be the redeemer/rescuer — as how the dynamics of the drama of co-dependency is supposed to play out, often found in families where abuse and trauma was the overriding energy and theme.
Until I learned to love myself — enough to surround myself only with people whose energies are uplifting, supportive, loving, respectful. Anything less isn’t welcomed. Anything less isn’t deserving of my time and energy. And I deserve so much more.
I had put up with less than loving and respectful treatment and energy from my family of origin, and I reached the point of realization that I no longer wanted to continue that pattern.
And that’s when I decided it was time for me to remove myself from such an unhealthy situation, and I distanced myself from them. I no longer wanted to be the victim nor the perpetrator/persecutor nor the redeemer.
It wasn’t an easy decision. Feelings of guilt have haunted me for the longest time and over the years — even to this day, as I had shared in a recent post.
“But they’re your family.”
Oh, I can’t even count anymore the number of times that I’ve received this response — especially from people in the Philippines, a country whose culture values family more than anything else. There are times it is overly, even blindly valued. Regardless what the circumstances are surrounding one’s family situation, family is family, no matter what. A belief that I’ve chosen to no longer subscribe to.
I know I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I don’t need anyone’s approval for any of the choices that I’m making in my life. And I need to remind myself that.
I’ve said this over and over again and expressed it to many others who have shown their lack of support and understanding, as well as their inability to respect my decisions —
At the end of the day, it’s between me and my God, whoever my God is and however I refer to Her/Him/It.
When you know you’ve done all you could, to the best of your abilities and within your capacity, it is time to make peace with what was and what is.
So why am I getting bothered, still?
Perhaps I’m being reminded that not everyone will truly, fully and completely understand and support my decisions and choices — even and especially members of my family. And I need to be at peace with that fact.
There’s nothing “wrong” with that or with them or with me. We are where we are supposed to be in our journey. It so happens that where I choose to be isn’t the same place as where they are, or where they may want me to be, or where they believe I should be, or where I think they believe I ought to be.
And that’s ok. I am ok. They are ok. We’re all ok.
I need to respect if they view my choices differently, much as I want them to respect my choices and where I’m at.
Whether or not they can understand, accept, or respect my choices and decisions, is no longer my concern. It’s not supposed to be, yet admittedly, it has continued to be so.
And I’m now releasing that concern so it’ll no longer be a source of any of my worries or feelings of guilt or doubt. I’ll focus on my healing and transformation. If and when I sense an emotional charge when I have thoughts about my family of origin, I’ll continue to make efforts to transmute them into love and light, so that there will only be loving energy between us — even if there’s physical distance amongst us. After all, we’re still connected energetically. We all are.
And I’ll continue to work on making that energetic connection be filled only with love and light, peace and joy.
And I’m counting on the archetypal influences of Chiron and the potent healing energies made available through my current Chiron Return to help me achieve exactly just that.
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