Do I write about all my unpleasant experiences with my father? Do I include the ugly parts of his personality? Or do I focus only on the healing and forgiveness that has transpired within me and between me and Dad, a resolution that has taken place long before his passing on?
How can I talk about my father and my relationship with him without including any stories about Mom and my siblings? Or even just mentioning them without meaning to put any of them or their experiences with Dad in a bad light?
These were the questions I was asking myself as I was composing my next post, when I suddenly found myself getting stuck. It was just before I became aware of my Chiron Return. In fact, it was my being stuck and unclear on what exactly to include and to write about, which led me to the discovery that I’m currently going through my Chiron Return.
The topic? My father and his passing on, which took place exactly four years ago in March. In fact, it was around the time of his passing on, on the 7th of March, that I started experiencing this block. It wasn’t quite a writer’s block. I was filled with a lot of stories and insights which I very much liked to share. But I kept going back and forth with how much do I share. Where do I even begin?
Somehow, each time my post would touch on family related experiences and issues, I would start treading a little bit more carefully. I’d proceed with my writing with much more caution.
I already wrote a disclaimer which I included in the terms and conditions of this site. I emphasized that in the process of my sharing, there may be people who will be offended. It’s not intentional and I hope and trust that I will be forgiven. My intention is to share my stories as I remember them, to the best of my ability, and as I perceive and interpret them. Not everyone will see my life and the world through my lenses. Not everyone will agree with me or even understand.
Despite this disclaimer, I still experienced a blocked throat chakra which eventually led to laryngitis, due to my fear of speaking up. This was about six months ago, and I also already wrote a series of posts about that experience and the resultant insights. And on the 7th of March, when I was composing my post about the passing on of my father, I began to feel the constriction in the energies in my throat chakra. Again.
I took a step back (again) and reflected (again) on what keeps holding me back (again). I was in fact getting a bit frustrated and disappointed at myself because all these years, I couldn’t seem to get past my family related issues. Like, there seems to be this constant feeling of something being unresolved. Questions. Doubts. Uncertainties.
Sure, the thoughts, feelings and emotions were getting less frequent and less intense. But, there’s still something there. Why? What is it? Where is it rooted from? How do I truly and finally make peace with what was and what is in my family situation? It’s not about what happened in my childhood or even later in our adult lives. It’s really about the choice that I’ve made quite a while back, which is to distance myself from them. I’ve been estranged from my family for several years now. I made that choice which I know is for my best interest.
But each time I’d have a reading or counseling, I’d almost always still end up asking about my situation with my family of origin.
Why do I keep getting bothered by my decision to disconnect from them? There’s a nagging voice that’s questioning, although getting fainter and less frequent —how spiritual, moral, righteous, evolved, Christ-like is my decision?
I’d consistently get the validation that we’ve already completed our spiritual contracts. I’ve learned what I needed to. We’ve served our purpose in contributing to our soul growth. I am shining my light. I am serving humanity and the planet by being the love that I am. And that’s what matters.
Where then is this emotional charge coming from? How valid is it? Might I simply be picking up from my family’s energies telepathically? That they’re questioning my choice and have not fully accepted it, still perceiving it as “wrong”, and I’m therefore sensing these thoughts, absorbing the energies, thinking they’re my thoughts, making me doubt and question my own decision? Might it be the voice of my inner critic again?
Questions. More questions. Endless questions.
When will I get to the state of staying neutral about my family situation? Will I even get there? When? How?
Lo and behold, my research about Chiron Return is revealing what I need to get clarity.
I’ve not really paid attention to Chiron’s position and influence in my natal chart until now. None of the astrologers I’ve consulted with, or even astrological reports that I’ve ordered over the years, have pointed out Chiron’s significance until I made my own research. Perhaps I wasn’t really paying attention to it. Perhaps it wasn’t time for me then to become aware of it. And the time has come. And the time is now.
Chiron represents our core wounding. Our deepest wounding. In the article “Chiron in Pisces: Surrendering to the Wounded Healer”, Wendy Guy writes,
“Chiron is not just the Wounded Healer, but also the Wound-ing Healer. It represents the area of life where you have suffered in some way that never seems to get completely resolved. And yet, it is also the area where you will find the most healing by allowing yourself to fully accept the reality of your experience in that area.”
When I checked my natal chart, that’s when I discovered that Chiron is in my fourth house — the house associated with our roots and origins, home base, family in general, the astrological house that can be relied on to bring insights into our childhood upbringing and the environment we were raised in, father image and relationship to the real father. Aha!
Chiron Return is the time when Chiron goes back to its original position in our natal chart, the time when we wrap up the issues that are related to our core wound and determine how healing from the wounds can help others.
And my family and childhood related issues are coming up now for yet another layer of clearing and healing. And I am trusting that the archetypal and healing energies of Chiron made available through my Chiron Return, will assist me in making peace with my wound. Finally. Completely. Truly.
More is being revealed. More is being cleared. More is being healed.
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