It’s been years since I cried. And I sure did cry profusely during that fateful October 1999 weekend!
I couldn’t even recall anymore when the last time was when I cried. Or even why I did.
The corporate world really did a fantastic job at toughening me up. I was a tough cookie, undoubtedly. I’m not blaming the corporate world entirely though. I allowed myself, unknowingly, to be molded into such, as it came with the territory. It was a world that I chose to be in and I thrived in it at the time. And like with everything else, having been in that world is part of my life journey. A huge part of my journey. No regrets.
But it was all a façade. Again, I’m not giving any excuses. No justifications either. Because it truly was simply a defense mechanism. A coping strategy that I wasn’t even aware of until the workshop.
I realized how I had become so detached from my emotions. After all, they didn’t have a place in the world of business. And I made sure of that — not only for myself, but my staff as well. Poor them…. 😦
“You cannot heal what you do not feel.”
It was the first time that I encountered these words of wisdom.
I later learned that numbing the emotions through denial, alcohol, constant busyness, noise, surrounding myself with people and friends, and other similar superficial means only deepened the wounds underneath. They only delayed my healing. They only diverted me from my path towards wholeness and integration. The path leading me back to the Divine within me.
I don’t remember ever having shed so many tears in one weekend. It was such a relief, and what a release it was! I truly am so thankful that my office mate recommended this workshop to me. And was she absolutely right — I so needed it and attending it couldn’t have come at a much more opportune time.
I discovered that sinusitis, a chronic health condition of mine which started to develop in my late 20s, is a manifestation of the tears that I never shed. Hmmm….
Years later, I developed a much more intimate relationship with my body, paying attention to my body’s messages and bodily signals, and being guided by the metaphysical reasons and causes behind any physical dis-ease, minor or otherwise. I eventually tapped into my body’s wisdom for guidance and lessons. Oh, I sure didn’t experience vocal cord paralysis after my thyroidectomy and my miraculous healing and recovery thereafter for nothing. Absolutely not.
I gained understanding on why I became a perfectionist. I realized why I gravitated towards workaholism and alcoholism.
And I began to become aware of my deep-seated anger and how they showed up in my behaviors and attitudes. And all my other countless core issues emanating from childhood, which later manifested in my adult years and the choices that I made in life.
Control issue. Trust issue. Fear of intimacy. Fear of commitment. Addiction. Inability to give and receive love. Withholding love. Co-dependency. Issues with authority figures. Aggression. Relationship issues. Fear of speaking up. Boundary issues. Attention-seeking. Messianic complex. Passive-aggressive behavior. Misuse of personal power. Competitiveness. People-pleasing. Fitting in. Shame. Guilt. Mother issues. Father issues. Sibling issues. The list goes on…..Funny, I became aware that I was still striving for perfection, to get a perfect score, even in the list of core issues! 🙂
Oh, I clearly had quite a full plate — and it is a huge one at that! A serving platter is probably more like it. And there definitely was so much more available for me to go for seconds, thirds, maybe more! 🙂
Yet it surely, and quite seriously, was very humbling.
Reparenting my inner child became the focus of my inner work in years to come.
Yes, it was painful. Excruciatingly painful.
But it was very, very gratifying.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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