Journaling has been very healing and therapeutic for me. Writing has been a creative outlet for me to express myself.
There are two folders in my laptop that I use for my writing: Journals and Blog Posts. I also have a small notebook that’s always with me (either in my purse or by my bedside) where I write randomly and freely — thoughts, ideas, quotes, etc., some of which end up as blog entries.
I realized that I have more entries for the past 12 months in the Blog Posts than in the Journals folder.
Ever since I launched this site Aligning With Truth, instead of randomly and freely writing my thoughts and feelings first in my journal, I would immediately write them out as though I was already writing for an audience. I would write with the intention of publishing it. I was already composing a blog post!
So, instead of simply allowing the free flow of thoughts and the release of whatever pent-up emotions, confusing thoughts, and distorted thought patterns I may have had, I would edit myself right away. I was depriving myself of the much-needed process of purifying my emotional and mental bodies by simply releasing the energies. While writing, there would be a voice in my head that would simultaneously tell me, “Ooops, that’s not publishable.” Unknowingly, I was gagging myself. I was blocking the flow of energy through my throat chakra, the energy center of communication.
Fear of speaking up for fear of what others will think, feel, and say
If it were only me and if it involved no one else, I have no qualms baring my heart and soul. I very much like to share all the significant transformative experiences I went through, including and perhaps, most especially the dark episodes of my life — all with the sheer intention of serving as an inspiration to others, helping others with their similar struggles, and assisting in their own healing and transformation. Sharing our stories in itself is very healing and therapeutic.
Yet I do know that it isn’t so much the stories that are of utmost importance. What’s more significant are the lessons that I’ve learned and the insights that I’ve gained. How much have I grown and evolved and transformed? What was the process that I went through to arrive at those insights? What were the steps that I took that led me to the next stage in my evolution and transformation?
However, my process of growth and transformation cannot be without my stories. And my stories of healing and growth cannot exclude the personalities who have played a role in my life. And a significant part of my story of healing and a source of my struggles and pain is my childhood experiences, as well as my past lives. My experiences and interactions with the people throughout my life — my family of origin, other family members, relatives, friends, school mates, colleagues, significant others — these have been the sources of my stories of healing and opportunities for growth. And they have such a richness from which I know others will benefit.
I hadn’t been so sure though if these people would be comfortable with those experiences and interactions being made public. What would their reactions be when they read about my stories? What would they think about how I view my experiences with them? How would they feel about what I make of our interactions?
And my recent experience of laryngitis made me realize and pushed me to take a closer look on how this has been a major block in my writing and self-expression.
I’ve also had past lives where I was ridiculed and ostracized for having been different from the majority. For having been very vocal about my thoughts and opinions, even if they went against mass thinking.
So, I had been much more cautious than necessary in my writing. I wasn’t as spontaneous as I’d have preferred. My writing and posting have been calculated. I was like tiptoeing, on the lookout that I might say something that will offend some people and trigger angry reactions from others.
Rather than risk getting an unpleasant reaction, I opted to keep mum and not write about some of my deepest thoughts and truest feelings. Or at least not blog or publish them. (I wrote and kept them in my journals.)
I don’t feel safe even in my own personal sanctuary, my very own blog site. I cannot freely express myself in my own personal space.
I surrendered this concern and asked for assistance.
Yet, despite this disclaimer, not long after, two individuals still reacted quite harshly over two posts that I had written. They sounded so defensive, critical and disrespectful in their messages.
Of course I was hurt with what I read in their messages and how they said it. It threw me off-centered. I immediately doubted myself. Where did I go wrong with what I wrote? I know that I take so much time to write, review, edit, re-write, re-review, re-edit. After all, I am a recovering perfectionist. And I already learned my lesson, big-time, from my plagiarism experience when I was in graduate school, which I blogged about. So, how could I have missed something? Or have I?
I reviewed the writings of Dr. David Joshua Stone. In the book, How To Clear the Negative Ego which David co-wrote and co-edited with Marcia Dale Lopez, PhD. and Rev. Linda L. Schweke, he explained so clearly how to deal with such situations. The article, How to Deal With Attacking and Critical Energy from Others was such an invaluable material that I was moved to excerpt and post it in this site. It guided me on what steps to take.
It also helped that I sought the opinion of a friend/spiritual reader with whom I regularly consult. I wanted an outsider’s perspective and objective assessment.
Sure, she may be someone who knows me personally and may have her own biases towards me, but she also happens to know one of those two individuals who reacted quite strongly to my posts. And I was very clear to this friend/spiritual reader that I wanted her to give me an honest assessment.
Not surprisingly, and much to my delight, admittedly, she shared my perspective on the matter. She didn’t find anything offensive in what I wrote. These people were projecting their own unresolved issues and inner conflicts.
I felt relieved but not without feeling exhausted from having to ward off the attacking energies hurled at me. I felt drained. My energies were depleted.
The Universe always responds
I posted a disclaimer that partly includes,
“If there is anyone who may be offended in the process of my sharing, whether or not their names were specified, it is not intentional and I hope and trust that I will be forgiven. My intention is to share my stories as I remember them to the best of my ability, and as I perceive and interpret them.”
Not long after, two posts where I shared my experiences and reflections triggered negative reactions from the people with whom I had these experiences. I realized that there’s no guarantee that having a disclaimer will stop people from reacting.
However, it’s really funny that the minute we declare something to the Universe, it quickly responds by giving us situations through which we can practice what we had claimed. People come to our life through whom we put to a test or manifest whatever we had intended.
Here’s what happened. After I declared, “Here’s my disclaimer,” the Universe immediately answered, “Okay, we’ll see about that.” 🙂
These instances may have hurt me or drained my energies but they took place to help reinforce, rather than dissuade me from my resolve to speak my truth — and to stay true to what I said in my disclaimer.
“No historical figure was universally accepted by everyone”
As I said in a recent post, Speaking my truth, no matter how I carefully choose what I say or what I write, there’s always someone who will get offended. Someone who will see things differently. Someone with a dissenting opinion. Someone is bound to get triggered. Someone is going to take things personally. And I need to learn to not take things personally when other people do. Actually, most especially when they do.
“There’s never been any historical figure who was universally accepted by everyone. Anyone who’s made a difference in this world has had detractors.” ~ Doreen Virtue, “You Are A Spiritual Healer”
People may or may not agree with me and my stories and my interpretation of them, my sharing and my writing about them — whether or not these people are those with whom I shared those experiences.
However, none of that should truly matter; None of that should stop me or block my energy from expressing myself and my truth. At the end of the day, it is between me and my God (whoever and whatever term I choose to refer to it/her/him, which may again be another point of contention).
Silence is golden but is it always an indication of being spiritually evolved and mature?
There were also quite a few non-blogging-related instances when rather than assert and speak up for myself, I chose to not say anything. These interactions ranged from face-to-face, text messaging, email messages, phone conversations, social networking.
As I look back, I thought that keeping my silence was the more “mature or spiritually evolved” way for me to handle it.
Yet, I now realize that I was merely avoiding confrontation. The little Nadine was frighteningly anticipating and avoiding being gagged again and being told by Dad or Mom, “Shut up!” 😦
And these unresolved and blocked energies surely and always, have a way of finding their way back in order for me to complete my stories and fully and truly heal, and integrate my experiences.
And they surely did and they have clearly come back in the form of a laryngitis. The loss of my voice. The loss of my ability to freely speak and express myself.
To be concluded – Part 7 Resentment of spiritual authority
- Part 1 – What I am learning from laryngitis
- Part 2 – The need for personal space
- Part 3 – Defining boundaries in the Filipino setting
- Part 4 – The Filipino (non-)concept of space
- Part 5 – Sometimes the way to give a gift is to receive it
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