People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When the purpose of the encounter has been served, it’s time to end it. And this applies to ALL types of relationships.
One of the things that hinder us from ending a friendship that’s no longer working is the false belief that a failed friendship, or any relationship for that matter, is a failure. That we are a failure. We think we’re not capable of close relationships, otherwise the friendship wouldn’t have ended. We think there’s something wrong with us because we can’t keep friendships.
But we need to stop playing victim and get this out of our belief system. We need to believe that it is only all about the constant changing of needs and desires. Our priorities change. People change. The wheel of life is always turning. We are always evolving. We are always growing.
And sometimes, we grow apart.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that and definitely nothing wrong with us.
Yet the loss of a friend, like the loss of a spouse, lover, parent or a child, can be very traumatic. We need to allow ourselves time to heal and to grieve. Regardless of whether we dumped our friend or we were the ones dumped, the pain can be excruciating. The loss can leave us numb and hopeless.
But there is always hope.
It’s never easy to end friendships. We don’t know how; We weren’t taught how to. And it’s probably more difficult to end friendships than love/romantic relationships. We don’t know how to end it, and we don’t know how to recover from it. We also don’t know how to comfort those who suffer from it.
When our hearts are broken because of a relationship or marriage break-up, the world cries with us and asks, what went wrong? But when our friendships end and our spirits are broken, the world seems to pause for a moment and wonder, what’s wrong with you?
Friends and family are the ones we run to when our romantic/love relationships end. But who offers their welcoming arms for a loving embrace when we have a falling out with our best friend, or any close friend for that matter? When we experience a break-up, and especially when we are dumped, well-meaning friends and family immediately rush over to our side. But when we get dumped by our close friend, friends and family wonder what we did wrong that ended our friendship.
Marital break-ups and failed romances are acceptable. They’re normal. They’re part of life. Even being dumped. And even if no one wants to be dumped, or even admits to having been dumped. It happens, even to the best of us. But a friendship falling apart, especially one that’s dating back to our childhood days, most people instinctively ask…how could you have allowed it to happen?
When we are recovering from a relationship break-up, we ask ourselves, will I ever love again? Often, because of the depth of the loss and the intensity of the pain, we even say we can never love the same way again.
But we do. And we can. Many times, over and over again.
And so with the end of the friendship, we also ask ourselves, will I ever find another close or best friend?
Of course we will.
With endings come beginnings. It is a part of life. It is a fact of life. It is the cycle of death and rebirth. When one door closes, not only does a window open. Another door opens. Sometimes even two, three, or four. Maybe more. The possibilities are limitless. The opportunities are endless.
For every friend lost, a new one is gained. For sure.
If our bus is filled with passengers and we don’t allow one of them to get off, how can a new passenger hop in and take the journey with us?
But then….how can we move on? What will help us start anew?
We may feel anxious because we now have so much time in our hands. We may now find ourselves twiddling our thumbs. We fear that we may be constantly switching television channels or surfing the internet incessantly.
What do we do now that our friend is gone? With whom do we do things now? With whom do we share stories? Who do we call for words of comfort?
Well, guess what. It’s time for a new you. To have new people around you. We now have the time and space to develop new friendships. We can now deepen existing ones and turn some of our close friends to our new best friends.
And we don’t need only one best friend. It is even much healthier to have several friends with whom we can do different things.
The end of a friendship also allows us to be choosy and to choose friends wisely. The experience gives us the wisdom to discern if an acquaintance has the potential of developing into a close friendship or not. We are equipped with the tool to determine the worthiness of a close friend to become a best friend. We have the ability to see the red flags when they show up and walk away. We break the pattern. We are not only wiser. We are more loving to ourselves. And we are more loving to others.
And then…we become a better friend.
Levine, I. (2009). Best friends forever: Surviving a breakup with your best friend. New York: Overlook Press.
Pryor, L. (2006). What did I do wrong: When women don’t tell each other the friendship is over. New York: Free Press.
Related articles and links:
- Moving Into A New Phase: Outgrowing Friends
- When to Unfriend an Old Friend
- Manifesting the Divine Feminine through our Female Friendships
- Why don’t we talk about the pain of friendship break ups?
- Dear Sugar, Episode 10: When Friendships End
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Copyright © 2011 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.