I’ve written quite a while back about how unhappy I am in Manila. I came back to the Philippines at just around this time, end of May, three years ago. It was  after a four-year sojourn in Northern California. Truth be told, the past three years have just been a struggle for me, particularly with my living situation.

I’ve mentioned that I no longer resonate with the energy of Manila or any city for that matter. Even while I was still in Northern California, I already knew that.

But I thought I could make a go of it — thinking and believing that Manila is where I could make the most contribution.  It is where the mainstream is and where the most people are. Therefore, the more people I could “help” and whose lives I could touch, the more fulfilled I could be and accomplish my mission.

Thankfully, I’ve since redefined that and I’ve become clearer on what it means to make a contribution. What it means to make a difference. And that there are numerous ways that I can carry out my life work and mission, other than what I had originally envisioned and believed, when I was operating from a 3D level of consciousness. Ways I never imagined possible or even dreamed about.

What led to my search for a place I can call ”home”

Image Source: http://www.how-to-do-a.net/

Not long after I arrived in Manila, in August 2010, I fell ill. My system was simply going haywire. I did the best I could to re-adjust and re-adapt. But it was such a pain and a struggle. The joy that I experienced while living in Northern California and which I brought with me quickly went out the window.

Getting ill pushed me to redefine for myself what it was that I wanted to “do” in terms of my mission and life work. An illness back in 1998 was already what started my healing journey and awakening process. My well-being has since been a top priority. Why then am I subjecting my body and my system to such harsh energies? Why am I allowing my body to experience less than loving energy from the environment or the people? Just in order for me to be able to share my gifts and talents and “help” others? What about the vehicle, my body, through which I am going to carry out my work? It didn’t make sense. Clearly, there was a misalignment. Something wasn’t right.

Forget about helping others Nadine. Forget about giving priority to making a difference to other people. Focus on yourself. Make yourself your priority. Love yourself enough to accept and allow only loving and kind energies in and around you — from people, places, and situations.

Ahhh…me and my messianic complex. Me and my caretaking tendency. Me and the limiting and false belief that I can only find fulfillment and live a purpose-driven life when I am being of service to others and helping them, being selfless and neglecting myself.

My illness pushed me to finally admit and be at peace with the fact that Manila simply is no longer the place for me. I started my search for my geographical home on earth. Specifically, an island that would call me and tell me, “Welcome home.”

Camiguin Island, Island of Fire

Image Source: http://philippinescheaphotel.com/

I am now in the island of Camiguin. But not for long.

Camiguin is located in Mindanao, the southern part of the Philippines. I’ve been here since December 2012. And I’ve been to three other islands which didn’t quite work for me before I was led to Camiguin. In future posts, I’ll share my experiences in those islands, realizations and lessons learned.

As far as Camiguin is concerned, when I first arrived here, it wasn’t as if I immediately felt that this was the place for me.

Was that already a red flag? Most likely. I didn’t dismiss it though. I took note of it. But I gave myself time. I gave the island and myself a chance to get to know each other and see if we can develop a more long-term relationship.

And the island of Camiguin grew on me. The more I explored and discovered what she has to offer, the more I was getting to like her.

In the past five months that I’ve been here, I discovered things that I like about the island which I didn’t experience in other places. Yet I also am still looking for a few other things that I’ve seen, felt and experienced in other locations which are not quite here. I’ll share the details in future posts.

Is Camiguin the island from whom I heard, “Welcome home”?

Not really.

But it was my home for the past five months. And where I’m at now is preparing to head back to Manila. For how long? I don’t know.

Image Source: http://www.camiguin.redbearnet.com

The decision for me to head back was something that came quite abruptly.  Oh, it was such a stressful and exhausting week for me!  Something took place between me and the owner of the cottage that I was renting which pushed me to move out. I was so angry and full of negativity. Our really unpleasant encounter took place on May 11, around the time of the solar eclipse on May 9/10.

I already knew at some level that my living situation at the cottage, or maybe even in the island itself in general, was no longer serving my best interest.

But I held on. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let go. I was in my comfort zone. I didn’t want the inconvenience of starting all over. Again. Before I knew it, or perhaps because I didn’t want to admit it, I was actually settling for less.

And when the time is up for any situation or relationship, when it has reached its expiration date, and we still push our luck, and we’re a little bit off course, the Universe supports us by setting us up in situations which would finally push us, in order for us to remove ourselves from the unhealthy situation or person.

A nudge. A push. A jolt. A wake up call.

Whatever it takes for us to take action that’s most in alignment with our soul growth and journey.

I’m getting much more relaxed now. I’m also getting much clearer on what my lessons are. I’m also thankful that I’m no longer angry. I’m now keeping myself open to the possibility of coming back here. An option that wasn’t even there at the height of my anger.  Be it for a vacation or to continue my abruptly ended living situation…I still don’t know.

All I know is I am thankful that  Camiguin, with the variety of her terrain (white and black sand beaches, waterfalls, hot and cold springs, treks, lush greenery, seven volcanos) provided me with the environment and energies through which I was able to go so much deeper into my healing and clearing process and inner work.

Mt. Hibok-hibok, Camiguin Island, Philippines Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I was so inspired to write.

I was able to overcome my fear of speaking up about some really deep stuff. I found the courage to bare my heart and soul out into the world through my blogging.

I’ve become even so much more comfortable and “at home” being in the water. My relationship with the water element is in parallelism with the depth and extent of my inner work.

I learned to adjust and to adapt to a “new” and different culture and environment. The island and her people provided me with yet more opportunities to set boundaries. To assert myself. To be even more comfortable with being who I am, no matter how different I am from the majority.

I became clearer on what works for me and what doesn’t, particularly in my choice of my geographical home on earth.

Someone recently told me, “There really is no such thing as a perfect place,” to which I responded, “I respect that but I have a different view. One only needs to be clear on what one is looking for in a place and what brings them joy, and then that becomes the perfect place for them.” And my Camiguin experience, if anything, brought me a step closer to what that perfect place looks and feels like.

More importantly, I became clear that struggle is no longer something that I want in my life. It doesn’t have to be part of my reality. I don’t want it to be.

Camiguin Island, Philippines Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I want only peace, joy and happiness. Nothing to be guilty about it because it is something that I so deserve.  And we only need to make the choice.

Joy can be a way of life. And I am choosing that for myself. Because I deserve nothing less.

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

In its original edition, this culmination of Jean Shinoda Bolen’s life’s work sold over 25,000 copies. Now in paperback for the first time Urgent Message from Mother is a call to action for all the women of the world. This unique combination of visionary thinking and practical how-to seeks to galvanize the power of women acting together in order to save our world. Bolen outlines the lessons we can learn from the women’s movement, draws on Jungian psychology and the sacred feminine, and gives powerful examples of women coming together all over the globe and making a significant impact.

Urgent Message from Mother Gather the Women, Save the World by Jean Shinoda Bolen

What would you do if you saw this ad placed in the “Help Wanted” section of a newspaper by Mother Archetype, Mother Goddess, or Mother Earth?

“HELP WANTED: Everywoman. Home keepers for Earth. Must keep premises safe for all. Have a concern for children’s needs and development, ability to manage resources, resolve conflicts, work collaboratively, ask questions, listen, and learn from the experience of others, be empathetic, and act with compassion for the benefit of all, including the generations to come.”

Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D., a Jungian analyst and author of nine books including The Millionth Circle: How To Change Ourselves and the World, puts out a call in this stirring work to “gather the women” so they can bring peace to our conflicted and troubled times. She points out that twice before American women rallied to bring about social change: once with the “women’s suffragette movement” and then with the “women’s movement.” Now it is time for the “women’s peace movement” to stop violence against women, children, in schools, on the streets of cities, and in countries where neighbor wars against neighbor. “Until women collectively become involved in creating a culture of peace to stop violence begetting violence in the human family, women and children will continue to be the primary casualties,” she writes.

Bolen is convinced that empowered maternal concern is an untapped feminine force that can be unleashed in the form of love and compassion. The same nurturing capacities that are demonstrated in the home, where women take care of their children and fragile elders, and maintain harmony in the family and in the neighborhood, can be applied to national and planetary problems. Bolen recognizes that many idealistic and caring women have suffered burnout, but she still sees hopeful signs, such as the courage of whistleblowers, the persistence of the Mothers of the Disappeared in Buenos Aires, the 9/11 widows, and others. The Mother has sent an urgent message. Are you ready to answer the call with your time and talents to bring peace and justice to the planet?

Reviews and database copyright © 1970 – 2012
by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, Spirituality & Practice:  Resources for Spiritual Journeys

Where were you in May 1994? What were you doing then? Any similarities with where you are now?

There most certainly are a lot of parallelisms with mine.

Image Source: http://francescolejones.wordpress.com/

I wasn’t particularly happy working with the SUN Philippines representative office at the time. (SUN was a leading IT company, later acquired by Oracle in 2010.) There was too much office politics. Intrigues amongst the employees and between the management and staff. I was a target of endless intrigues. A common theme in my work life. Perhaps life in general.

But, as has been my work habit and ethics, I concentrated on my job as best I could. After all, I found joy in the nature of my work. I believed in it. In the importance and significance of the channels distribution model to ensure the company’s success and longevity.  It was my passion not shared by many though.

In July of the same year, I was offered a job (alright pirated) by Oracle.

Image Source: http://abcdconsulting.in/

Well-known for its very strong and aggressive direct sales force, Oracle was ready to venture into other business strategies. I was given the daunting task of implementing the indirect sales and channels business model in the Philippines.  A responsibility that eventually led me, the first Filipino, to take on a regional position in the South Asia Region, and assist the other countries in their implementation of such a model.

Once more, I so loved what I was doing. I believed in it. It brought me joy! I was passionate about it. A passion that caused the ire of the majority of my colleagues and peers all throughout my career.

After all, I was going against mainstream. Against the traditional sales model. I was propagating a way of doing business which was still in its infancy stage, even in the United States, where Oracle’s headquarters office is located.

I was tasked to persuade the local direct sales organizations why there needed to be a shift in their time-tested, successful way of doing business. A shift in their attitude (alright arrogance) was essential. What led them to a leadership position all those years was no longer what was going to ensure them of the same level of success in years to come. The partnering strategy was what was going to give Oracle the edge. A business model that was going to eventually be the mainstream way of doing business.

I had the knowing and pursued what I was passionate about.

Interestingly, much earlier on, in 1983, before I even completed my undergraduate degrees from a university, I also already had the knowing that computers was the way to go. Even if I didn’t particularly like the subject, which was so unrelated to the college degrees that I completed, and I barely passed my flowcharting class ), I still enrolled in computer classes immediately after graduation.

I simply had the knowing that to be knowledgeable about computers was the direction to go. To get ahead and be successful in my career. Any career.

I simply had the knowing that the channels and partnering model was going to be the way of doing business.

And I held on to my knowing. Whatever resistance I encountered even strengthened my resolve. And my relentless passion would later prove to be not unfounded.

Image Source: http://www.marketingholt.com/

By the time I left the corporate world in 2000, practically every company in the IT industry was embracing the channels and partnering business model that I had been propagating.

Today, there is no company that can claim to have the ability to offer a complete line of products and services to their customers, all on their own.  Not one.

Alliances and partnerships, in some shape and form, are now part of a business strategy.  Practically any business in any industry.

Image Source: http://www.newcastle.edu.au/

A shift was inevitable. A change in paradigm was the order of the day.

Cooperation instead of Competition. Collaborating rather than Controlling. Working with and through others. Partnerships. Alliances. Relationships. Connection rather than Alienation. Interconnectedness. Assertion versus Aggression.  Creativity rather than Rigidity.

Sounds to me like this New Golden Age, New Earth, New Humanity, New World we’re in. Something we’re all now co-creating.

Back then, yes, I was already ahead of the time. I was ahead of the rest of the pack. Oh, but it was a “lonely” path. And such a challenging role.

Yes, I was a change agent. But I had an enormous responsibility for which I didn’t have the tools or the training.  All I had was simply the knowing and the passion.

Sounds like where I’m at again right now. Sounds like what lightworkers and wayshowers are experiencing.

At least now, there are others who have gotten ahead of me, from whom I’m able to draw some guidance and inspiration.

I, we may still be part of the minority, but, more importantly, our numbers are growing.

And thanks to the internet. It’s so much easier to reach out, feel connected and supported. Making it less isolating and not quite as alienating.

Image Source: http://www.ceeng.co.za/

Here I am, in the midst of this Solar Eclipse (the second in a series of three), whose similar configuration took place almost 20 years ago. Here I am, in similar circumstances yet not quite exactly the same dynamics.

I am going against mainstream again. Embracing a lifestyle and a paradigm upheld only by a minority.  Again. Yet having a knowing, again, that it is and will eventually be the way to go. Believing and knowing that change and a shift are inevitable.

I am being passionate again about what I believe in. Using computer technology to share information. Channelling cosmic and celestial energies to bring forth insights. Shining my light, like the Sun, and bringing light where darkness is or wherever else it is needed.

I am staying connected with the world and sharing information, when I’m in front of my computer.

Image Source: http://www.leelanau.com/

And here I am again, like an oracle, using my intuitive gifts and simply knowing…that where I am now, just like where I was then, is where I need to be. Despite the difficulty and adversity.

And I am being reminded for the need to trust and to believe, as I did then, that as I live in the moment and focus on what I’m passionate about and what brings me joy, I am constantly being guided and looked after. Every step of the way.

Any regrets? No way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. As Ol’ Blue Eyes soulfully croons,

“I did what I had to do,

And saw it through without exemption,

The record shows, I took the blows,

and [yet] did it my way!”

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

Synchronistically again, I was led to it after I had just posted about life purpose vis-à-vis taking care of me instead of others.

It is my “Divine Soul Plan” and it’s interesting that I come across it now.

…now, as I’m continuing to reinvent myself and gain more clarity on what my [next] mission and life purpose is.

…now when I’m doing much clearing, cleansing and cleaning, especially with issues related to home and environment, roots and origins, my childhood and my family, my father, whose death anniversary a couple of months ago moved me to come up with my “Remembering Dad” series of posts, something I have yet to continue and conclude. And all these areas of my life are being brought to my awareness for a deeper layer of healing and closure, conclusion and completion, hopefully.

…now that I’m experiencing the monumental Chiron Return, whose energies are ushering in all these shifts, deep inquiry and intense inner work.

And it is the astrological phase during which, according to Melanie Reinhart, author of Chiron and Healing Journey, I am poised to answer the question —

“What am I going to do with the last part of my life?” 

So in order for me to effectively answer that, much reflection, introspection, evaluation, inquiry, inner dialogue are necessary. Not that I haven’t done any self-inquiry or self-analysis at all. Someone already once labeled me “Process Queen,” to which the rest of my friends unanimously concurred!

But to accurately answer that question necessitates pretty much a life review, I think.

An inventory of lessons learned, skills and traits developed, dreams and aspirations fulfilled, wisdom gained. As well as qualities yet to be developed, dreams to be pursued or let go of, lessons yet to be mastered, lessons missed (or purposely skipped ), lessons to be repeated…

Image Source: http://pastordawn.com/

With what I’ve been making of all of my experiences, including those that have been prevented and blocked by the Universe for me to go through, as a way of keeping me “protected” [on track], I do feel very strongly that the Universe is validating the direction that I’m following. The choices that I’m making. The focus of my efforts and energies.

A pat on the back. That’s what I’m getting from the Universe. Yay!

What is a Divine Soul Plan?

“It is a report that details exactly why your soul has incarnated on earth, and includes your past-life fears, your past-life psychological imbalances and negative karma your soul is seeking to balance in this lifetime, as well as your unique personality traits and the spiritual missions your soul has chosen to accomplish in this lifetime. 

The reason you were born. Why you incarnated in this lifetime.

In my Divine Soul Plan, “my primary life purpose involves me transcending the negative qualities of responsibility that include over-helping, over-worrying and interfering, in order to create inner harmony via balanced responsibility.

“My task in this lifetime is to create inner harmony through bringing harmony to others and to the situations I find myself in, learning I am only in harmony when I meet my responsibilities to others willingly, and learning when to help and when to let others help themselves. 

“My life purpose requires that I take on a greater sense of responsibility where I give help and comfort to those in need, but that I do so in a balanced way and don’t do for others what they should be doing for themselves. I must become more capable of bringing harmony into inharmonious situations, and this begins with myself, by creating harmony within.”

My Divine Soul Plan further explains that I “likely had a difficult childhood (hello?!?!) that caused me to grow up with a severe inner critic (hello?!?!) that constantly says I’m not good enough (hello again!?!?). This causes me to feel like I have to over-help in order to feel more worthy (hello?!?!), and this need and sometimes addiction to over-help can mean I end up interfering in situations I don’t belong (hello again!?!?). This can lead to stubbornness, self-righteousness and a dominating personality (hello?!?! hello?!?! hello?!?!). There is a tendency for me to worry too much (hello?!?!) and be too exacting and demanding of myself (hello again !?!) and I may sacrifice myself for the welfare of others (hello !?!).

“The key to succeeding with this life purpose is to be as loving, caring and respectful of myself as I am to others (hello?!?!), to set clear boundaries when to help and when not to help (hello again?!?!), and to heal old emotional wounds that cause me to over-help (and for yet one more time, hello?!?!).”

There really isn’t anything new with any of the information though. I’ve known them. I’ve lived them. Maybe even over-analyzed them. 

It does help though with providing me with the validation and reminder — now that I’m putting together the pieces of my life puzzle.

The message is clear.

Image Source: http://lookmag.look-voyages.fr/

Balance. Balance. Balance.

Again, something I had already known since I experienced vocal cord paralysis in 1998. It was the beginning of my awakening journey, when I realized how imbalanced my life had been.

And with reference to my previous post and what this Divine Soul Plan is conveying, I also am most certainly not implying that I’m no longer going to help others ever. Or that I’m suggesting the same for other people.

No. Not at all.

As this piece of information suggests, it is all about BALANCE.

To balance my energies within so that my desire to help and to assist is not to fill in an unmet need but simply for the joy of doing so.

And filling in an unmet need most certainly was my previous pattern which I have learned to break, thankfully, and doing something simply for the joy of doing so, is the new pattern that I am now creating.

The plan details also my life lessons, psychological imbalances, karmic debt, personality traits, and how they manifest when my energies are in harmony and when they aren’t.

Image Source: https://www.facebook.com/ Energy’s Soul Mission

Over the years, I have gathered similar tools and resources, not to mention gotten countless readings, when I needed guidance, direction and clarity.

And as is the case with all these resources for healing and growth, the Divine Soul Plan is simply a guide. It isn’t cast in stone. It isn’t something that is to be blindly followed without practicing discernment.

You have free will and you co-create your destiny, remember? A constant reminder to myself.

But coming across it again now is a timely and much-needed thumbs-up from the Universe — on how far I’ve come along in my journey, particularly with mastering my lessons and facing my fears behind them.

And it sure is a handy tool which can assist me in getting even more clarity on where I ought to focus my energies, as I head towards the last part of my life.

What is your life purpose? What is your soul mission? Do you know what you’ll be doing (being) during the last part of your life? And if you’re there already, what are you doing and focusing on? What are you being?

And if you’re interested to know more about the Divine Soul Plan, click here.

Related articles:

• Loving myself:  My caretaking days are over
• Recognizing Life Purpose: What are you here to do
• Chiron Return:  A Most Meaningful Rite of Passage
• My last vision of my father: Remembering Dad, Part 1
• Chiron return: A return to my family and childhood wounding

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

Sanaya Roman, author of EARTH LIFE SERIES and channel of Orin, a wise and gentle spirit teacher, a nonphysical entity that she connects with through conscious channeling. http://www.orindaben.com

Actually, Karen isn’t the only one.  There are a couple of others. One of them is this superb individual whose writings have become a must-have in my personal library: Sanaya Roman.

Her books were first published in the 80s. But one thing that I find fascinating about her writing is they do not sound dated at all. They speak so authentically and simplistically of deep spiritual truths. The material is timeless and the books may as well be considered classics, if they aren’t yet.

I feel very strongly how much loving the energy is behind the words, and how connected she is to her heart chakra. None of the “Oh, I am so evolved and so further along the path, and have been doing this work for several years/decades, that I’ve become an expert on this, and you’d better believe what I’m saying because I know exactly what I’m talking about…”  Something I often sense from other supposed spiritual teachers, writers, even bloggers.

And Sanaya’s books are so far from the works of other authors, even channellers whose writings are too cerebral. For me at least.  (Sanaya is a channel of Orin, “a wise and gentle spirit teacher, a nonphysical entity that she connects with through conscious channeling.”)

Other authors and channellers present their work using complicated language. I’d have to pause every so often, and re-read the material, before I could fully grasp the meaning.  As if using complex words makes the material (or even the writer) more spiritual, more esoteric, more mystical, more evolved… when in actuality, the more dense the material is, the more impractical it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if it’s done intentionally, and how much of their ego is behind that….And just as I’m writing now, I suddenly find myself wondering, could it be because English isn’t my native language, or is it my own self-esteem issues that are being triggered and how much of my ego is behind that?….

Anyhow, it truly is quite the opposite with the writings of Sanaya Roman. There isn’t a sentence that I’m not able to comprehend at first reading.

The use of simplistic language in no way lessens the depth of the wisdom. It is actually what makes it quite remarkable — because it sounds so doable, and it truly is. And it isn’t so “out there”, not like that of others.

The universal spiritual truths that are presented touch me right to the very core. They awaken me to my truth and my very being.

And I find that I grow with the material.  It seems that each time I re-read it, it’s like I’m reading it for the first time.

“Unlike some channels whose messages seem to need hours of decoding, Orin’s language is crystal clear. Orin’s suggestions are laced with examples and stories that help the reader see how they work. Each chapter is followed by worksheets and meditations so the lessons can be immediately put into practice.The meditations help to open pathways for the teachings to be absorbed. The teachings, in turn, augment the meditation experience so together they work to bring about change.I found that the writing always seemed new, which to me, is a sure sign of spiritual depth. When I reread sections weeks later they seemed quite different. Of course, they were the same; it was I who had changed. Some teachings that had seemed difficult were now obvious and I realized how powerful many of the exercises had been. It is not that the information was new, only that it had been presented with a simplicity that allowed it to be grasped at many different levels.It is this very simplicity combined with unerring guidance to the highest good that make the Earth Life Series a powerful light along whichever path of growth you choose. — Body Mind Spirit magazine, October 1989

Just like what an editorial review by Body Mind Spirit magazine, October 1989 says,

“I found that the writing always seemed new, which to me, is a sure sign of spiritual depth. When I reread sections weeks later they seemed quite different. Of course, they were the same; it was I who had changed.”

As I was going through my files and drafts of blog posts, I came across an excerpt from one of Sanaya’s books, Living with Joy: Keys to Personal Power and Spiritual Transformation (Earth Life Series).

I had apparently created the document in December 2012. I saved it but didn’t post it for some reason unbeknownst to me at the time. I actually forgot about it already until I came across it just now.  It’s quite interesting (and synchronistically again) that the topic is so closely tied to what I had just posted.

Did I know then, at some level, in December 2012, that I would be posting about it, at some point in the “future?”

I don’t know.

What I do know is why I am choosing to take care of me (instead of others), and why it has become the focus of my life and mission.

Because it gives me joy. As I had alluded to it in my previous post.

And Sanaya explains it quite eloquently, yet simplistically —

“When you look at life purpose, ask your soul and yourself,

Am I doing this for me, for my highest good, or am I doing it to please others, to live up to their image of me? Am I accomplishing this purpose so that I may receive a pat on the back or recognition? Or am I doing it because it is something I want to do, that fits who I am, and that brings me joy?

As you look at your life purpose, ask, what would you do if you were alone? If no one in your life would gain or lose from what you did, would it change your choices? What would you do for yourself? What would bring you peace and joy? What if society did not exist or had absolutely different values — would you still love what you are doing? A hundred years ago, many values were different. People were admired for many things that are no longer valued. Society’s beliefs are changing and fluid, and if you base your actions on what you see around you, those actions will not necessarily reflect your higher purpose.”

To read the excerpt in full, click here.

To read more about the book or to order it, click here.

To go to Sanaya Roman’s website, click here.

Related posts

• Loving myself: My caretaking days are over
• Discovering Your Life Purpose

Reference:

Roman, S. (1986). Living with Joy: Keys to Personal Power and Spiritual Transformation (Earth Life Series). Novato, CA: H.J. Kramer, Inc.

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

For the longest time, my guiding questions have been, “How can I contribute to the growth of this person? How can I use my gifts and talents to make a difference to this individual? How can I best serve this person or situation?”

For a while, that belief pattern worked. I did experience fulfillment. A lot. And so much joy.

Image Source: http://www.teronga.com

Somewhere along the way though, I felt depleted. Drained. Exhausted.

I realized I was allowing myself to be blindsided by the prevalent thinking that to be selfless is a sure ticket to Heaven.

Me and my messianic complex

Hallelujah! I’ve been brought into the life of this individual for me to save them from their torment. Jesus lived his life to show me the example. He saved the world. And I too am being called to live like Jesus. To carry the cross for others. The cross which represents the crosses of the collective. To suffer for them, if that is what will save them from their own damnation and be forgiven for their sins.  I am being called. It is my calling and I am heeding the call. It is my grandest mission and I am honored to the task. I am earning brownie points. I am sure to be allowed to enter the gates of Heaven where St. Peter waits joyously, ready to welcome and greet me at the door! Oh yes, me and my messianic complex!

Master Jesus

I don’t mean to make a mockery of the Christian teachings and traditions. I am a recovering Catholic but I have not renounced my Christian faith. I still am a huge “fan” of the Master Jesus, as well as other Ascended Masters.

I simply have shifted my personal beliefs about him and his teachings. What it means to “save” the world and what my role is in achieving that.

The world needs no saving. The world needs only loving.  The world simply needs to be loved. And I can love the world by being love, embodying love, living in and through love. By loving ME first and foremost.

And isn’t love the crux of Jesus’ teachings?

Smile and the world smiles with you; Shine your Light and the world lights up with you

When I love myself, my light shines so brightly. I live in joy. My world lights up. I light up. And I light up the path that I tread.

Along the way, unknowingly, I touch other beings I come into contact with. I make a difference in their lives. Without me even realizing it or without making any effort at all. Without me setting that as my goal. It is organic. It simply, naturally, effortlessly happens.

On the other hand, when my focus and my efforts are on others, on how I can contribute to them, on how I can make a difference, how I can lighten their burden or what I can do to help ease their pain, how I can make them get their lesson, what legacy I can leave behind, how I want to be remembered when I transition, what I want to be said about me in my eulogy, or how I want my epitaph to read, then I am turning over my power, all of my power to others. And in doing so, I am actually dimming my own light.

I’ve realized that I was neglecting the very being to whom I can make the most difference. The very being that I am tasked to assist in growing and evolving. The very being whose self-mastery I have the assignment and the mission to contribute to.

ME!

Image Source: http://www.hpbc.org

And it is so freeing to let go of that unnecessary burden that I’ve put on myself.

And I hear what Savannah (beloved) is saying. In her response to Brenda Hoffman’s post which was actually what triggered this post, Savannah (beloved) talked about the challenge of balancing between taking care of one’s self and being a responsible parent. I so hear you. I’m not even a parent and yet my plate is full taking care of me, what more others!

How I am transitioning

I can’t recall exactly when the shift in my energies and perception happened or what led to it. I just started to feel a disconnect and resistance to playing the savior and martyr role. It simply didn’t feel right to me anymore and didn’t ring true to me. I started to feel burdened and obligated. Joy went out the window.

Plus, any effort that I made in manifesting any work was met with one block after another. Because I was operating out of a savior role, instead of working on something simply for the sheer joy of doing it.

One individual whose work has helped me tremendously and guided me during my transitional phase is Karen Bishop. Her books and her writing have been like my “bible,” particularly with getting clarity on what I was sensing was what my life work and purpose is really supposed to be, and why I was feeling the shift in my beliefs and perceptions.

And there is one sign that signaled that my energies have indeed shifted.

The lesson that I’m mastering is self-expression and self-assertion. Setting boundaries is one way that I’m achieving this. And I’m in a country, the Philippines, where apathy has become such a chronic social disease, and where boundaries are unheard of.  So I’m really given countless opportunities to assert myself.

One way that apathy manifests in the Filipino culture is how the majority of the Filipinos have learned to simply go along with the people’s lack of respect of boundaries. Even if they themselves are irked by such behavior.

“Eh ganun eh, kultura na yan eh (That’s how it is, it’s a cultural thing).” It is the general response and attitude.

And it is an attitude that has been triggering something in me. Giving me an opportunity to master my lesson of self-assertion and self-expression.

Image Source: http://www.saysomethingposters.com/

To put my foot down because it simply isn’t acceptable to me. To not condone. To not tolerate. To speak out. To express myself and assert my rights. My right to privacy and personal space. Even if such a concept is alien to the average Filipino.

There are those who find what I do commendable. They say, “Oh, when you tell them that, you’ll never know what they’re learning from you.” Implying that those who are clueless about boundaries are the ones who will eventually learn their lesson of how to honor and respect boundaries. Therefore, I ought to continue what I’m doing because it is what will help others change.

And maybe they will. And yet maybe they won’t.

Back in my martyr and savior days, I certainly held the same stand. And I’d take pride that I am being used as an instrument to teach others their lesson.

“Oh, the reason I am attracting this situation is in order for me to help shift their attitude and behavior about boundaries. This is why I am being brought to this individual. So I can teach about boundary setting. And when I do so, I am carrying out my mission, making a contribution to others and making a difference in someone else’s life.”

Nothing can be farther from the truth. My truth at least. And my truth for now.

Because my truth of the matter is, I am attracting such a situation or individual in order for me to learn what I’m supposed to. It is a growth opportunity for me.

It’s not about them. It is about me.

Making a difference

When I learn what I need to, and the individual involved likewise learns and grows, their growth is simply bonus. When they don’t learn anything, it doesn’t diminish my growth and evolution. Even if nothing has shifted in them, it doesn’t diminish my contribution to this planet and humanity. I still would have accomplished my mission. I still would have made a difference.

As I was preparing to leave Northern California in 2010 to set up my healing practice in the Philippines and make a contribution to the Filipino nation, a dear and beloved spiritual counselor and friend, Devin Hunter who is currently based in Walnut Creek, California, left me with these wise words. He said that my guides were adamant that I remember them —

“If you could make a difference only in one person’s life, you would have done your work.“

I took those words to heart. But it’s not until recently that I realized the meaning behind them. And it’s become so much clearer to me who that one person is in whose life I could make a difference.

ME.

And the questions that I now ask to help me discern and choose what to do with an individual or a situation are,

How is this serving me? And is this bringing me joy?

Related article – You Don’t Need to Return to Battle Trenches (www.lifetapestrycreations.wordpress.com)

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

I was actually a bit confused with the dates. There are some sources that consider the recent April 25 full moon/lunar eclipse as the Wesak Festival. Some point to the upcoming May 25 full moon/lunar eclipse.

It was one of those moments when the practice of discernment proved beneficial. Regardless what the “official” date of the Wesak Festival is, I simply allowed myself to be guided. And the energies of the recent full moon/lunar eclipse were surely powerful and potent for me, Wesak or not.

I hadn’t slept well in the two weeks leading up to the date of the eclipse. That’s not a surprise since I’ve been going through major cleansing and clearing.

On the evening of April 25, I was talking to a friend and I ended our conversation at around eight o’clock. I told her I was getting sleepy and will probably tuck myself into bed early to catch up on my sleep. I even shared with her my disappointment that I wouldn’t be able to view the full moon as it had been quite  cloudy during the day.

For some reason, I still opted to step outside and I’m so glad I did. The fullness and brightness of the glorious Moon was what smiled at me —

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I bathed under the moon for probably about two hours. I was filled with so much love and comfort.

I was born in the evening when it was a full moon. A full moon in Taurus, in the month of May, the time when the Wesak Festival is being celebrated. So the time around the Wesak Festival is a most powerful time for me. And all throughout the year, I’m most affected by the energies of the moon, particularly when she is in her full phase. That’s when I feel most nurtured. And lunatic, too, so beware!

I wanted to catch the eclipse during the early hours of the following morning.  It was at 3:55am Philippines time.

Because I was replenished and recharged by the full moon energies, I didn’t get to sleep until almost midnight. So I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get up early enough for the eclipse. I needed and wanted to catch up on my sleep. I was hesitant to set my alarm. Yet it really was an event that I didn’t want to miss. I simply set the intention that evening that if I’m meant to get up early enough then I would.

I didn’t quite wake up at 3:55 but about an hour later. And I seldom wake up as early as five o’clock in the morning. Yet I’m so thankful that Lady Diana, goddess of the moon, whispered into my ear, “Wake up! A miracle is about to show up!”

I caught the last few seconds just before the Moon finally “disappeared.” It was breathtaking!

My camera though isn’t sophisticated enough to capture her glorious beauty. The view is so much more magical than what my camera could portray.

But it was a first for me — to see the moon set while the sun is rising, and during an eclipse at that. It didn’t matter if I was lacking in my sleep. The view, the experience was surely worth it!

On the west side of the sea is the stunning beauty of the Moon fading away, for the moment at least, saying adieu, as she gives way to the Sun —

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

And on the east side is the magnificence and majestic power of the Sun, sprinkling the clear blue sky with his rays, at the same time greeting me, “How are you? I’m happy to see you!”, as I  was being generously showered by his energies, to light my path and fill my day.

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I curled back in bed and bathed in the nearby hot spring later in the day, as I continued to allow the masculine and feminine energies of the Sun and the Moon quench every cell of my being.

Before I knew it, 12 hours of the day have gone by. Sigh….

And Father Sun is once more blessing me with his protective energy, draping me with his warm embrace as I prepare for a cool evening.

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I felt so cared for as I winded down for an evening’s rest, with the Goddess Moon’s rays embracing me and comforting me to sleep. A sleep which thankfully came quite easily this time, as I knew fully well that I’m being nourished by Mother Earth. All the time.

And I did sleep like a baby that evening! My little Nadine felt so lovingly cradled and cuddled…Just what I so needed when the energies can get a little bit confusing and overwhelming.

Thanks to Father Sun and Goddess Moon, for working hand in hand in keeping me balanced and attuned, grounded and sane, in synch and in tune.

Wesak or not, it sure was such a powerful and magical time for me!

And how has it been for you? What was your experience?

Related post – The wild card that is the eclipse

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

Image Source: http://soulxposed2u.com/

What? Only one like and one comment? And from the same person who “liked” it? Why? Why did it not appeal to other than this one person? What’s “wrong” with what I wrote?

I immediately went to fear-driven thinking. My inner child quickly took over the driver’s seat. Grabbing for approval, appreciation, affirmation, attention, affection. The 5A’s that a child needs for healthy psychological and emotional development which I discussed in an earlier post, and which I didn’t receive during my childhood.

Interestingly, quite synchronistically, paradoxically and truly funny that the post I’m referring to, the one which received one like, is about the story of my rejection. My core wound stemming back from my childhood. It has come up quite strongly recently, ushered in by the energies of my Chiron Return, giving me the opportunity to once more, revisit the wounding and, once and for all, heal the wound.

The Universe really has a very good sense of humor. And I’m thankful, so have I!

It felt like God conspired not only with the followers of this site, not only with the entire wordpress family, but the rest of humanity! Like a game being played on me.   Trickster was surely making its presence strongly felt.

Let’s see how she’d respond if she doesn’t get any response. Let’s see how far along she truly is in her journey of overcoming her need for approval.

At least there was one. Maybe this person didn’t receive the memo!  I can just imagine how my hurting little Nadine would have reacted and acted out big time, if there was absolutely NO ONE who liked, commented, or even visited. Oh yes, I checked the statistics to see how many actually read it.

And to think that I’ve been getting a lot of realizations while I’m deep into my Chiron Return introspection work. Insights which I’m just too excited to share. This post about my rejection story was only the beginning. And this is the kind of response and support that I get, or lack thereof? Wow, was my little Nadine going haywire!

But my tantrum didn’t take more than a day though.   That’s improvement. Huge.

I immediately knew my issue was so glaringly presenting itself. In your face, Nadine!

My little Nadine may be having a pity party but I’m truly so grateful that I’m going through my process of clearing and cleaning up real-time. Big time. On-time.

And if that hasn’t been made clear yet, and just as I had recovered from the trauma and stigma of that “one-liked” post , only a few days ago, someone commented the following on a recent post.

“I have to say that the stock photo at the very top does not fit…it diminishes your story.”

Oh I immediately went to defense and self-doubt mode.

I told you Nadine, you should have used another photo. Or not used any photo at all. And the thought of removing it after reading this comment even crossed my mind.

My need for approval has really been coming up for healing and showing up in all shapes and forms! And thanks to this reader for being one of my teachers, reminding me what I’m supposed to be overcoming and mastering.

The Universe can be really funny. And if I myself didn’t have a sense of humor, and had I not done the kind of inner work that I have, I would most likely still be sulking. I’m sure to be spending money, time, and energy asking for clarity, getting a reading, looking for validation. Again.

I hear you. I get it. 

A fellow blogger reflecting me back to me

There’s a blog site which I so resonated with and followed during its infancy days. I unfollowed shortly thereafter when the energies were no longer aligning with mine.

Image Source: http://oneofthethirsty.com/

For some reason, I checked it out not too long ago. What would greet me is a post talking about how the site owner seems to be getting discouraged from the lack of response, feeling like she/he is talking to herself/himself. And she/he is contemplating on not continuing to blog, or not writing as often, or reshaping her/his writing/site.

I knew instantly that the Universe was sending me another message, mirroring back to me my situation. To reflect and revisit my intentions about writing and blogging.

And I’m reminding myself of something which I recently learned from the book, Happier Than She’s Ever Been by Menna van Praag. Something I have yet to fully embody but something I’m strongly committed to and aiming for.

Each time I find myself in similar situations, I’ll look in the mirror and ask,

Are you filling in an unmet need?

Are you or your inner child seeking for approval, attention, appreciation, affirmation, affection?

Why are you blogging and writing to begin with?

Are you writing to impress or are you writing to express?

Image Source: http://www.wallpapers.eu.com/view/

I initially intended for this blog site to be a vehicle through which other people may be inspired. To make a difference and contribute to the healing of humanity and the planet.

By sharing what’s helping me in my process, I had hoped that this site can assist those who may be searching for answers, looking for transformational tools and resources to help them in their healing journey.

Guess what?

I don’t think there’s anyone who’s being assisted and transformed by this site more than me.

Through writing and blogging, I’m addressing my issues resulting from my own unmet needs as a child, the 5A’s — the need for Affection. Affirmation. Appreciation. Approval. Attention.

When I seek for external means to fill in these unmet needs, I’m only perpetuating and deepening the wound. When I depend on the likes, comments, and visits as a means of measuring my self-worth and value, or how remarkable or effective my writing is, or how successful my work is — all these is a reflection of duality consciousness and materialism. That “more is better” — which isn’t.

It’s the limited and limiting way of thinking and fear-based living that I’m committed to transcend. The very paradigm that I’m desiring for humanity to grow out of. The fear-driven level of consciousness which humanity is supposed to shift away from. And it is what I’m passionate about — to assist humanity in making the shift happen. My personal mission.

Indeed, we teach what we need to learn.

Truly humbling and quite gratifying.

Am I being drawn to and am I attracting those whose wounds I want to heal in order to heal my own? Because of the need to heal my own? Or instead of healing my own?

What an apt reminder, and what a gift from the Wounded Healer himself, Chiron, as I’m going through my own pivotal Chiron Return —

“Healer, heal thyself.”

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

I’m going through a most transformational period in my life. Chiron Return. I talked about that in my previous posts. I’m right in the midst of my cleaning and clearing up of stuff where my core wound lies in my natal chart, where Chiron is positioned — in the fourth house, the house of roots and origins, home and environment, family and father issues.

And if the energy of Chiron Return isn’t enough yet, there is a series of eclipses taking place in a couple of days. Are you feeling the energies yet?

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

I am a full moon baby — it was a full moon exactly on the evening of my birthday.  I was born on the 19th of May at forty minutes past the hour of six o’clock in the evening. It was the Great Goddess of the Moon who first welcomed me in this school called Earth. And she hasn’t left me since.

There’s a partial lunar eclipse on April 25 at 5 degrees of Scorpio. An annular solar eclipse on May 10 in Taurus. And a penumbral lunar eclipse on May 25 in Sagittarius.

My moon is in Scorpio. My sun is in Taurus. My rising sign is Sagittarius.

So will I be impacted by these eclipses? I don’t think the cosmos is giving me any way around it!

Talk about being a middle child and not having received much attention. I sure am the cosmos’ most favored one this time around. And the cosmos surely has my attention!

“Eclipses are dramatic ‘wild cards’ in our horoscopes. They are some of the most dramatic tools that the universe uses to get us to pay attention to areas in our life that need to change. They uproot us, surprise us, and get us moving. They shake us up so that we can move from one level of maturity to another, to a higher plane, very rapidly. Eclipses want us to change, and change we do!” ~ Susan Miller, The Year Ahead 2012 and Beyond

Is something “bad” going to happen during eclipses? Some people hold this belief. That’s probably because eclipses usher in endings. But with endings come beginnings.

So what is an eclipse? What’s the difference between a lunar and solar eclipse? What can we expect?

“A solar eclipse occurs when the moon stands between the Sun and earth, cutting off the light of the Sun. This is what we typically think of when we use the word “eclipse,” with the moon covering the Sun. A lunar eclipse occurs when the earth stands between the moon and the Sun, cutting off the light of the Sun from the moon. The moon has no light of her own, as she simply reflects the light of the Sun. Here the moon basically disappears. A lunar eclipse is always a full moon and usually marks endings or culmination points. Any eclipse is a significant event in the heavens. In truth, a solar eclipse is really a new moon on steroids and a lunar eclipse is a full moon on steroids— they have the strength of a new moon or full moon times three.” (Source:  The Year Ahead 2012 and Beyond, by Susan Miller)

Points to remember

And here’s a list of some of the pointers which Susan expounded in her book:

• With all eclipses, something ends and something else begins. Solar eclipses tend to create new beginnings and bright new opportunities. Lunar eclipses are more emotional, for they cause final endings.
• Eclipses bring news of life’s big events. Eclipses will bring a random event you do not expect, didn’t know about, and one that is completely outside your control, yet that event will bring vast changes inside your life to your doorstep. The job of an eclipse is to shine a glaring ray of truth to the part of your life that is being touched, and truth will likely arrive in a startling way.
• An eclipse, especially a full moon lunar eclipse, will help you to see the true character of someone close— brace yourself, you may not like what you see. Occasionally, an important person to you will be “eclipsed out” of your life.
• Take any message you hear from an eclipse as non-negotiable and firm, and then move on. Take notice of all news and signals you get near an eclipse, and take them seriously, even if news comes as subjective and ambiguous as gossip.
• Eclipses almost always bring up all kinds of unexpected changes of direction, assuming your Sun, moon, or a planet is touched. Events brought on by an eclipse always have much more weight than events brought on by a normal new or full moon.Try not to issue ultimatums or make big actions under an eclipse.
• If an eclipse falls on your birthday, or within five days of your birthday, the year that follows that particular birthday will be a critical one for you. It’s vital you guard your health if an eclipse falls within five days of your birthday, or if it falls almost exactly opposite your birthday.
• You may be feeling more emotional than usual under an eclipse, especially if the eclipse is lunar (full moon).
• Look to the house of both your solar chart and your rising sign chart where the eclipse will be to find out what areas of life will bring a major change in status.

What are the themes of the April and May eclipses?

In Phoenix will rise: Partial Lunar Eclipse in Scorpio April 2013, Maharani Rutan writes,

“This eclipse is particularly relationship oriented – our relations with others can be disconnected, braved, or suddenly welded together as the shock calls one to action. This will be an end of a cycle or a significant change in direction of affairs focusing on home, family and health. It may be that you will end a relationship or your partner may become indifferent.”

In Lunar Eclipse in Scorpio – April 25, 2013, here’s what Cristina Laird says,

“..it is possible that situations that have been strained will explode and end up sorting themselves out, putting an end to a period of tension and unresolved issues as well. Even so, it is possible that we make important decisions that mean saying goodbye to situations or people, who have accompanied us for a while and that we felt very attached to…The issues that are already developing and that have started for the last new moon in Aries, will be in evidence. This eclipse occurs in the angle Tauro-Escorpio that speaks to us of our deepest values and our need of security within ourselves.”

And here’s what Cathy Lynn Pagano explains about the upcoming eclipses in The Cosmic Story: Scorpio Lunar Eclipse, April 25, 2013,

“Eclipses occur at the Moon’s Nodes, where the Moon’s orbit intersects the Earth’s path around the Sun.   The point where the Moon ascends through this elliptic is called the North Node and symbolizes where we need to evolve our consciousness.   Where the Moon descends through the elliptic, the South Node, we are pulled to the past, to the patterns and beliefs we need to release to get to our new future Selves.   These next 3 eclipses all take place very close to the South Node in Taurus, so we will feel the cosmic pressure to release old patterns of behavior, especially around the issues of our relationships, our use of both personal and collective resources, our talents and our money.   Be aware of what memories come up for you now. Energetically, eclipses dissolve old energy patterns and create new ones.   During and after eclipses, our consciousness can be regenerated and reconfigured into higher states of awareness.   So listen to your instincts and intuitions–they are strong right now and will guide you as you build a new paradigm to live in.

The two lunar eclipses signal major endings in our lives, while the solar eclipse fertilizes the new beginnings we energized during the past month while the Sun was in Aries.

The cosmic clock not only tells us when it’s the right time for change, it also gives us hints as to the flavor of that change.   The South Node of this eclipse is in Taurus, along with the Sun, Mars and Venus.   Taurus is the first Earth sign, a fixed energy that concentrates and shapes Aries fiery energies into manifestation.   When the eclipses take place in the signs of Scorpio and Taurus, the Cosmic Story asks us to look at our security and self-worth issues (Taurus) and release (Scorpio) old beliefs that outer things give us our value instead of our own inner worth. Self-esteem and self-worth are the virtues we have to work on at this lunar eclipse.”

Lunar Eclipse – A magical moment of balance and integration

The energy of the moon peaks during the full moon phase. Any intention or “any effort performed during the Full Moon is not only charged to the max, but packs a cosmic wallop when released into the Universe.” (Source: Everyday Moon Magic: Spells & Rituals for Abundant Living by Dorothy Morrison)

Especially more so during the lunar eclipse when the energy is even more potent.

Whatever rituals, intentions, prayers or mantras we put out during the lunar eclipse, may we remember that the energy is “so powerful it can bring about events that other Moon phases seldom manage. Simply put, Lunar Eclipse energy brings the impossible to fruition; it can single-handedly manifest real miracles,” Dorothy reiterates.

Image Source: http://pinterest.com/

More importantly, the lunar eclipse is a reminder of the need for balance and integration in our lives.

Dorothy explains,

“The Lunar Eclipse is a magical event more special than any other. For one thing, it provides a time when the energies of the Moon and Sun connect, and this marriage of sorts brings a balance, an equalization of the male and female polarities if you will, that puts everything back in perspective. Because it brings the light-dark-light concept into full view, it’s also a reminder of the birth-death-rebirth cycles.”

May we die out of the old and be born into the new. And may the energies of the eclipses shed light on what needs to be worked through!

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

I finally mustered enough courage and asked my father.

Asking him how he was didn’t come easily to me not only because of my fear of speaking up. It was also because Dad and I rarely had a chance to be by ourselves, just the two of us. Wherever Dad was, not far behind is his second wife. By Dad’s own directive. It fed my father’s own insecurities. The need to be needed, wanted and desired.

I hadn’t learned yet at the time the skill of self-assertion. To ask for privacy and space to have a private conversation with my own father.

Image Source: http://www.flickr.com © sverrelerre

On that rare occasion when I asked him how he was, Dad’s silence was enough to confirm what I had felt all along.  I had sensed that Dad was regretting his decision of leaving Mom and our family. I felt quite strongly how miserable Dad was. It seemed like he was just stubbornly standing firm behind his choice.

I could’ve been wrong. After all, no one can truly know except the parties involved.

But it’s not rocket science to figure out what’s behind the unspoken words. Dad wouldn’t admit it but the writing was clearly written on the wall.

The role I played

My father was no doubt a very, very unhappy man. With or without a woman. Whether it’s my mother or another. He was a man of deep sorrow.

And I was one of those who became a convenient and easy target of all his unresolved issues and conflicts. Inner battles and demons that he couldn’t and wouldn’t face.

I played this role not only with my father but with everyone else in my life — family, friends, classmates, work mates, romantic mates. Name it. I allowed it. I allowed people to spew out to me their garbage and their poison. Thinking and believing I was doing the “right” thing.

I didn’t think much or highly of myself. I’d felt so undeserving and worthless. And any attention was well received and much acclaimed. I took it as a sign that I mattered. I took it as a validation of my worth. That I was serving a purpose. I was being of service. I was being there for those who were in need. Even if the need is for someone to have something or someone to throw their garbage to and pass on their toxicity.

Pathetic? Sick? I didn’t know any better. It was the only way I knew.

Loving Your Inner Child by Paul Ferrini. Click on image for a 4-minute inner child healing video.

The story of my rejection, remember? The wound which stems from the time immediately after I was born. Probably even when I was still in my mother’s womb.

A deep wound that would weave the patterns in my life. Couple that with the abuse and dysfunctionality of our family environment, therein lies a sure formula for very low self-esteem and self-worth. Lack of self-respect. Fear of speaking up.  Inability to say no and to define and set boundaries.

But it is a deep wound nonetheless that has become the source of my deepest healing and profound transformation. A healing that’s taking place as I am writing now, and baring my heart and my soul to the world. Not knowing what it is next that I will be guided and led to write about. Or moved and inspired to share.

I allowed myself to become a basket case of other people’s toxicity. I perpetuated the pattern.  A pattern that I later became aware of, thankfully. A pattern that I am determined and committed to break.

Breaking away and breaking my pattern

Image Source: http://blog.silver-peak.com/

And it is this awareness and commitment to my healing and growth that pushed me, finally, to decide to break away from my family. To break the pattern and to finally give myself the chance to heal. To recover. Likewise with them.

To be surrounded only by loving and supportive energy. To give myself only that which I deserve.

To love myself and to love myself enough to say no — to people, places, situations, anything and everything, anyone and everyone, the energies of which are,  knowingly or not, intended merely to put me down. To shut me down. To shut me up. To gag me. To dim my light. The energies of those including my family, and those I consider family.

And unless an individual — whether someone I’d known in the past or someone new, be it family, friend, associate, etc. — has likewise developed and worked on their own self-awareness and consciousness, and recognized, acknowledged and owned up to their own wounds and their own fears, and has committed to their own healing and growth, and learned the art and skill of giving themselves the permission to shine their own Light, then I am not giving them the permission to dim my own. I am not allowing them to enter my energy field. I am not allowing them or welcoming them into my space.

“Do you want to shine?”

A decade ago, I was involved in the preparation of our high school homecoming. The chairperson and I were at odds. It wasn’t openly acknowledged. Only a handful of our batch mates had an inkling of what was truly going on. What was going on behind the scenes.

I surely recognized it but didn’t have enough guts or the tools to face it or face up to her. Our own stuff was definitely coming up to the surface. Insecurities, ego-related, fear-driven and unresolved issues. One severely wounded inner child interacting with another.

“Do you want to shine? If you do, I am willing to step down and give you the chairmanship.” I almost fell off my chair. Pun intended.  I was dumbfounded. And clamming up was the only response I knew. Even as I recall that incident and write about it now, I can still feel the sting behind those words.

“Mabuti na lang Nadine tumahimik ka. Kung nagsalita ka nun, talagang sisipain ko yung paa mo sa ilalim ng lamesa. (It’s a good thing you kept quiet Nadine. Had you said anything, I most certainly would’ve kicked your foot under the table.)” Another former classmate and friend was there listening to the conversation. I had asked her to be there with me. For me. I needed her for support. She was my crutch.

Somehow I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the energy which was going to be hurled at me. An opportunity to face my demons and acknowledge parts I had disowned.

If I knew then what I know now, I most certainly would’ve said my piece. I would’ve stood up for myself and given a different response other than silence. I may even have taken her offer for chairmanship.

Yes, I do want to shine, most certainly! Why wouldn’t I? And who wouldn’t or shouldn’t?

Photo taken by Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, MA 2013 © Aligning With Truth

My days of playing small are a thing of the past. I am no longer frightened of my own Light.  Others may be frightened of it but I am not allowing myself to be intimidated by it. To be intimidated by other people’s fear and inability to recognize their own Light, making them dim my own. Or even be intimidated by the unknown.

I am letting Light in and I am letting my Light shine. In order to allow others’ Light to shine as well.

I am letting Light shine through. As brightly as it possibly can. As how it was meant to be.  And as how God intended it to be.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

—-from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson

Related articles:

• Why You Can’t Connect With Some
• And the pattern of abuse continues – Remembering Dad Part 2
• My last vision of my father – Remembering Dad Part 1
• Chiron Return: A return to my family and childhood wounding
• Chiron and me and our rejection story
• Is it who I have become or who I am coming back to?

# # #

Copyright © 2011-2013 Nadine Marie V. Niguidula, M.A. and Aligning With Truth

]]> http://mytruthsetsmefree.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/shining-my-light-remembering-dad-part-3/feed/ 3 nadinemarie33 Image Source: www.flickr.com © sverrelerre Loving Your Inner Child by Paul Ferrini Image Source: http://blog.silver-peak.com/